Ok, guys. I am extremely aprehensive about releasing this to the public. Notably, I feel like my Purse of the Dai Kiri has set the standard for such submissions of mine, and the only direction to go is down.
So, lots of constructive criticism. I feel like I put in too much flavor text, but I can't be sure, and I feel like I need more oddities, but I can't think of any. And well, im just plain nervous.
Actually, I am sure that the Dai Kiri would love that. Outlawing brooms. Not only would the military police look ridiculous, but they would look even more oppressive than usual.
Could you imagine the outrage of people everywhere if brooms were outlawed? Shop keepers would have to worry about dirty, dirt covered floors. Bakeries and Meet Markets would have HUGE infestation problems. In short, it would be outrageous for everybody.
The Dai Kiri aren't just around to beat up the bad guys. They also specialize in making them look bad. Nothing would please the Dai Kiri better than for the Military police to look like the tyrants that they really are by passing a ridiculous law. Go to Comment
I know that you all want the Dai Kiri Society Posted, but at the same time, I am not sure wether or not this is a good Idea. I think that some of the originality in my posts involves the fact that I also reveal something about the Dai Kiri with each Item.
Frankly, I don't have the Dai Kiri completely built yet, but even if I did, I would rather find ways to make each piece interesting, than to clump it into one interesting whole, and have each part lost it's novelty.
Its the name CP. I don't know why, but the name gives her gender away. At first I had not read the name, and I thought she was a man (cause just about everybody it) but then I read who posted it and immediately realized that she was in fact a female. Maybe it's the misspelling of Pheonix (really awesome creature by the way) that gives it away... I don't know.
OK. So about the post (had to get to that eventually). Add names. I realize why you use "(insert some famous magic user name here)" but it is already assumed that DM's will change the names to protect the innocent.
And why a troll's intestines? How does a trolls intestines make it easier for a mage to enchant? does he have to cast a less potent spell? Why not a normal ring. It would obviously sell better. And before you go replying to me about how yes it does make the spell easier, don't tell me in the comments...fix it. I need to see why this item is the way it is in the post.
Sonce you are new here, and I support new people on the site, I will give you a better grade...not really, that was just a joke.
But seriously, this has some potential, but it needs that potential to be filled. Go to Comment
Well actually Murometz, she has fallen prey to the three post folly, which is simply stated: if you put all your Ideas up at once, then you don't have any constructive criticism to work with for any of them. If you space them out a little, then you get feedback from the first post in time to improve the second and third and so-on. Go to Comment
This is not really an item submission so much as a story. The story is superb, but you have done no fleshing out of the properties. This needs to be done, or else all is for naught. Not only do the sword abilities need to be filled it, but also the strengths and weaknesses of the blades while in human form.
However, I would definately have the PC's find the wizards journal.
Aside from that, Ian has a really good Idea here. It is a really good idea.
Well I like it. Obviously it is not a revolutionary item that changes the game world, but one of those unique little things that adds a lottle bit of flavor now and then.
Contrary to what Mourngrymn says, I see no problem with the magical effects, although you should describe the cloak a little better even if only to say that it is made of wool and is worn at the edges. I think the story is fine, and an Item like this does not need an epic legend behind it.
However, Mourngrymn is right in that the cloak is still a good cloak. It causes goosbumps...so what? Does the cloak no longer function as a cloak of detect danger, and the thief has already replaced it?
Anyway, I will give it my standard Small Items Vote of 3.0. Not everything has to get a 4.5 or 5.0, and I yhink that this is a good solid idea. Go to Comment
I really like this. Poisons are rare enough on this site, but to have one made by a deity is a rare treat. A couple of things however.
1) This is an awfully limited poison. Once a year, with a time window of little over a month, only three uses, and of course, application of the poison into food or water (which royals are well versed in evading). A simple Cleric (or a few concubines) on the royal budget would make short work of purifying the food and water. I think that you should make it a contact/ingested poison. This is a poison created by a deity after all, it needs to have the potency of the divine.
I would also increase those 44 days (or 66) to maybe 99 days instead. that is a little over 3 months. With a 9 month pregnancy, that should give them an opportunity to poison a noble at any point in the year, however, with pregnancies going unannounced until late in the pregnancy, it would be hard to do in many cases.
Hard but possible is always a good rule in my book, espescially for a deity inspired quest.
2)The Order itself seems rather limited in it's focus. If all they do is poison pregnant nobles, then I have a hard time imagining that they have a wide-spread occult following. I think that you should have this group a little more versitile in it's focus. Every religious order has to have a range of incentives broad enough to keep members joining, and this one has to have a range broad enough to convert men and women who have been trusted by the royal family for years (A royal family would simply lock down the pregnant woman, admitting only trusted friends and servants).
I don't know what Roak is talking about with the overcomplications. The more interesting detail you put into this, the better (key word: interesting), and I stick by that always. I have seen posts that had only a mediocre item, but amazing backround and detail get 5/5 by everybody.
However, on that note, I think that you could use some anecdotes in there. Although I usually don't include this in my reviews, I will include it in yours. There are a lot of really good items out here that have gotten votes far lower than they should have for the quality of the submissions. However, these submissions rarely, if ever, include good solid hooks that bring the reader into the world.
Describe the occult practices of the order in graphic detail, describe how the nobles react, describe how the people see these miscarriages. And don't just describe the overall effect, but describe them in a way that makes the reader feel like they are there. Go down to an individual level and really make the reader want to keep reading.
Anyway, that is my advice.
Good item, unusual origin, plot hooks, described pretty well. All in all I would say that it gets a 4.0, but the plot hooks push it up to a 4.5. Good work Go to Comment
So...CP is right. This is an Idea guild, and submissions should be for new idea's, not pre-existing articles.
However, real life is a handy resource, and I think that we should have a space on Strolen's Citadel for Real life to co-exist. Maybe we could put it on the Submissions area without the possibility of voting, or maybe we need a spot on the forums for it, but something like that should exist.
I have already posted this on the suggestions page in the forums.
Yeah, I always did mean to vote on this. I think I wanted to wait until I could pull it back up from the vault with an HoH. I guess now is the appropriate moment.
It occurs to me that followers of Mathom don't have to lack aims or goals. They could be just as ambitious as others, they would however be more apt to take plenty of time checking and double checking their work, time being a blessing and not a curse, and of course, receptive to distractions as a sign from Mathom that they haven't given their goals it's proper time.
It's funny, I started writing this comment at 10am, and it's 6pm now.
First AG, I really like the descriptive text of the dreamscape itself. I was really drawn in and it was like going into a fantasy world for the first time, or maybe looking at a really intriguing video game. I don't know, but it hooked me well.
The rest is alright. I definately think that the metaphors here should be explained in text. This is one of the great thing about this post, you have free liscense to introduce all sorts of interesting ideas as backround. Again, i think that the dreamscape was really good to read. If you can emulate that in a more consistant manner throughout the submission, then that would definately be disirable.
I don't know, I really want to know more, so that means that there is a lot of potential good here, but at the same time, somewhere in there the ball seemed to drop, I don't know where.