Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Wolfkin
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Any)
Nobody's comment on 2006-04-05 02:42 PM
Drackler, this is an espescially poor post. You'r posts are normally: short, undetailed, incomplete, but still, at heart, good ideas.

This post isn't even a good Idea.

Basically, all you have done is re-created wolf-men and given them some demon blood. I am unimpressed. You have not added anything that makes these Wolfkin unique or worth mentioning. I mean, Honestly, what is the point.

There are so many ways that you could have set these creatures apart from everything else in Fantasy, but you have not.

I have to date, given only two submissions the low score of 1.0.

This is one of them. Go to Comment
Wolfkin
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Any)
Nobody's comment on 2006-04-06 09:32 PM
Yes moonhunter, you are right, but he has to learn. I have tracked every single post he has made, and not yet has he shown that he is growing. This latest Idea was longer than his other posts, but it was not enough.

He could have added something wierd about the society and structure, he could have added something unusual about the way that they choose prey. He could have added nearly anything that made these creatures unusual as monsters and I would have credited him with a good idea.

As you said, his grace period has run out. He spent maybe fifteen minutes on this, and that is probably an overestimation. I don't think that he is trying.

Drakler, at the very least, you could post some of your incomplete ideas as in work submissions and ask for help. I would be the first to offer ideas. Instead you have thrown rough drafts up as finished products even after repeated advice that tells you that they would need more work. You have seen what we grade highly and no longer have the excuse of not knowing what is encouraged, and, dare I say it, expected.

We want you to contribute, but not if you are unwilling to put effort into your work. No more retroactive improvement. Ask for help BEFORE you submit them. Then you will get a grade that you can be proud of.

This may sound harsh, but you need to hear it from somewhere.

-Nobody Go to Comment
The Kemlar Healing Potion
Items  (Potion)   (Non-Magical)
Nobody's comment on 2006-04-04 07:05 AM
Updated: Added Side Notes Go to Comment
The Kemlar Healing Potion
Items  (Potion)   (Non-Magical)
Nobody's comment on 2006-04-04 07:09 AM
Thats like asking why anybody would buy heroine. (beats me) Go to Comment
Paladrim Glavus
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
Nobody's comment on 2006-03-30 03:56 PM
Items such as this already exist. They are called Locking Gauntlets. They are nearly identical to what you have discribed. Still, it deserves a three.

Or it would if not for many of the problems with this item, mostly spelling. Run it through a spell checker if you aren't very good at spelling.

History could use a lot of polish. So far you have said "guy has lots of battles, becomes a legend, loses hand, wanders around, gets a gauntlet. These are the most generic of actions.

Still, if you fixed the spelling, you might get a 3.0 out of me without touching up the history, but I suggest touching that up anyway.

2.0 (Idea's there, Needs Some Work Go to Comment
The Hollow Mountain
Dungeons  (Mountains)   (Style)
Nobody's comment on 2006-04-06 08:16 AM
I like everything about this except for one thing. It sounds like free Gold for the PC's. I mean, they walk in. Turn a ghost or two, and then leave with a horde of treasure.

Aside from being hard to get to, why does this place make sense for an adventure worth all of that treasure?

Otherwise, I really like it Go to Comment
Sizzler
Items  (Home/ Personal)   (Non-Magical)
Nobody's comment on 2006-03-01 07:24 PM
OK, I like this, I really do, but I see no way to put this into a game, or even deliver such a great story to players in a seemless manner.

So, before I vote, do have any ideas on this dilemma?

-Nobody Go to Comment
Broom of the Dai Kiri
Items  (Home/ Personal)   (Combat)
Nobody's comment on 2006-02-28 04:54 AM
Ok, guys. I am extremely aprehensive about releasing this to the public. Notably, I feel like my Purse of the Dai Kiri has set the standard for such submissions of mine, and the only direction to go is down.

So, lots of constructive criticism. I feel like I put in too much flavor text, but I can't be sure, and I feel like I need more oddities, but I can't think of any. And well, im just plain nervous.

Anyway, hope everybody likes it. Go to Comment
Broom of the Dai Kiri
Items  (Home/ Personal)   (Combat)
Nobody's comment on 2006-02-28 06:26 AM
Actually, I am sure that the Dai Kiri would love that. Outlawing brooms. Not only would the military police look ridiculous, but they would look even more oppressive than usual.

Could you imagine the outrage of people everywhere if brooms were outlawed? Shop keepers would have to worry about dirty, dirt covered floors. Bakeries and Meet Markets would have HUGE infestation problems. In short, it would be outrageous for everybody.

The Dai Kiri aren't just around to beat up the bad guys. They also specialize in making them look bad. Nothing would please the Dai Kiri better than for the Military police to look like the tyrants that they really are by passing a ridiculous law. Go to Comment
Broom of the Dai Kiri
Items  (Home/ Personal)   (Combat)
Nobody's comment on 2006-02-28 10:56 AM
Aw c'mon, thats not fair. If it deserves a five, give it a five. Go to Comment
Broom of the Dai Kiri
Items  (Home/ Personal)   (Combat)
Nobody's comment on 2006-03-01 10:32 AM
I know that you all want the Dai Kiri Society Posted, but at the same time, I am not sure wether or not this is a good Idea. I think that some of the originality in my posts involves the fact that I also reveal something about the Dai Kiri with each Item.

Frankly, I don't have the Dai Kiri completely built yet, but even if I did, I would rather find ways to make each piece interesting, than to clump it into one interesting whole, and have each part lost it's novelty.

I don't know though. What do you guys think. Go to Comment
The Backbreaker
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Heroic)
Nobody's comment on 2006-02-28 06:07 AM
I like it. The history, while being complete, does not add as much to the Hammer as it should. It's just pretty straight foreward. Not bad, but not fantastic either.

I do like the Idea of attaching a boulder to a stick and weilding it like a hammer.

I give it a 3.5 Go to Comment
Troll Belt
Items  (Clothes)   (Magical)
Nobody's comment on 2006-02-28 03:25 AM
Its the name CP. I don't know why, but the name gives her gender away. At first I had not read the name, and I thought she was a man (cause just about everybody it) but then I read who posted it and immediately realized that she was in fact a female. Maybe it's the misspelling of Pheonix (really awesome creature by the way) that gives it away... I don't know.

OK. So about the post (had to get to that eventually). Add names. I realize why you use "(insert some famous magic user name here)" but it is already assumed that DM's will change the names to protect the innocent.

And why a troll's intestines? How does a trolls intestines make it easier for a mage to enchant? does he have to cast a less potent spell? Why not a normal ring. It would obviously sell better. And before you go replying to me about how yes it does make the spell easier, don't tell me in the comments...fix it. I need to see why this item is the way it is in the post.

Sonce you are new here, and I support new people on the site, I will give you a better grade...not really, that was just a joke.

But seriously, this has some potential, but it needs that potential to be filled. Go to Comment
Troll Belt
Items  (Clothes)   (Magical)
Nobody's comment on 2006-02-28 04:01 AM
Well actually Murometz, she has fallen prey to the three post folly, which is simply stated: if you put all your Ideas up at once, then you don't have any constructive criticism to work with for any of them. If you space them out a little, then you get feedback from the first post in time to improve the second and third and so-on. Go to Comment
The Twins
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Sentient)
Nobody's comment on 2006-02-24 02:59 PM
This is not really an item submission so much as a story. The story is superb, but you have done no fleshing out of the properties. This needs to be done, or else all is for naught. Not only do the sword abilities need to be filled it, but also the strengths and weaknesses of the blades while in human form.

However, I would definately have the PC's find the wizards journal.

Aside from that, Ian has a really good Idea here. It is a really good idea.

Thats all. Go to Comment
Cloak of Horripilation
Items  (Clothes)   (Cursed)
Nobody's comment on 2006-02-20 02:24 PM
Well I like it. Obviously it is not a revolutionary item that changes the game world, but one of those unique little things that adds a lottle bit of flavor now and then.

Contrary to what Mourngrymn says, I see no problem with the magical effects, although you should describe the cloak a little better even if only to say that it is made of wool and is worn at the edges. I think the story is fine, and an Item like this does not need an epic legend behind it.

However, Mourngrymn is right in that the cloak is still a good cloak. It causes goosbumps...so what? Does the cloak no longer function as a cloak of detect danger, and the thief has already replaced it?

Anyway, I will give it my standard Small Items Vote of 3.0. Not everything has to get a 4.5 or 5.0, and I yhink that this is a good solid idea. Go to Comment
Cloak of Horripilation
Items  (Clothes)   (Cursed)
Nobody's comment on 2006-02-24 02:28 PM
Well now that you explained that calling it the cloak of horripilation was a practical joke, I think it is hilarious. Subtle humor. We just didn't catch it thats all.

-Nobody Go to Comment
Vephelot's Milk
Items  (Potion)   (Villanous)
Nobody's comment on 2006-02-15 10:28 AM
I really like this. Poisons are rare enough on this site, but to have one made by a deity is a rare treat. A couple of things however.

1) This is an awfully limited poison. Once a year, with a time window of little over a month, only three uses, and of course, application of the poison into food or water (which royals are well versed in evading). A simple Cleric (or a few concubines) on the royal budget would make short work of purifying the food and water. I think that you should make it a contact/ingested poison. This is a poison created by a deity after all, it needs to have the potency of the divine.

I would also increase those 44 days (or 66) to maybe 99 days instead. that is a little over 3 months. With a 9 month pregnancy, that should give them an opportunity to poison a noble at any point in the year, however, with pregnancies going unannounced until late in the pregnancy, it would be hard to do in many cases.

Hard but possible is always a good rule in my book, espescially for a deity inspired quest.

2)The Order itself seems rather limited in it's focus. If all they do is poison pregnant nobles, then I have a hard time imagining that they have a wide-spread occult following. I think that you should have this group a little more versitile in it's focus. Every religious order has to have a range of incentives broad enough to keep members joining, and this one has to have a range broad enough to convert men and women who have been trusted by the royal family for years (A royal family would simply lock down the pregnant woman, admitting only trusted friends and servants).

I don't know what Roak is talking about with the overcomplications. The more interesting detail you put into this, the better (key word: interesting), and I stick by that always. I have seen posts that had only a mediocre item, but amazing backround and detail get 5/5 by everybody.

However, on that note, I think that you could use some anecdotes in there. Although I usually don't include this in my reviews, I will include it in yours. There are a lot of really good items out here that have gotten votes far lower than they should have for the quality of the submissions. However, these submissions rarely, if ever, include good solid hooks that bring the reader into the world.

Describe the occult practices of the order in graphic detail, describe how the nobles react, describe how the people see these miscarriages. And don't just describe the overall effect, but describe them in a way that makes the reader feel like they are there. Go down to an individual level and really make the reader want to keep reading.

Anyway, that is my advice.

Good item, unusual origin, plot hooks, described pretty well. All in all I would say that it gets a 4.0, but the plot hooks push it up to a 4.5. Good work Go to Comment
Qacha's Neck
Locations  (City)   (Plains)
Nobody's comment on 2006-02-28 03:42 AM
An engineer knows that he has acheived perfection, not when ther is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away-cant remember who said that

Anyway, I was thinking about giving this a 4.5, but I then realized that I would not change a single thing. This town is perfect.

Congratulations, I never say that.

-Nobody Go to Comment
The Book of the Dead
Items  (Books and Scrolls)   (Campaign Defining)
Nobody's comment on 2006-02-13 12:47 PM
So...CP is right. This is an Idea guild, and submissions should be for new idea's, not pre-existing articles.

However, real life is a handy resource, and I think that we should have a space on Strolen's Citadel for Real life to co-exist. Maybe we could put it on the Submissions area without the possibility of voting, or maybe we need a spot on the forums for it, but something like that should exist.

I have already posted this on the suggestions page in the forums.

-Nobody Go to Comment
Total Comments:
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