Thank you for this. It's a pretty fair assessment. My original concept was going for irreverent humor but it came out as poor caricature, methinks.
If I ever spend more time on this, I'll take your advice by adding in a few more scenarios that expand the story a bit and show the main two ghosts from different angles. Also give them a backstory, although I was trying to hint at the essentials via action and dialogue. It's certainly an unfinished piece as-is.Go to Comment
There's a nice "larger than life" aspect to the character that truly shines through. This is the kind of character that needs some good artwork.
I would love to see a little more detail here, though. Some narrative would be nice, especially if it gave some solid examples of Elanor and her personality (bonus if it relates to her nickname). Maybe a few scenes outlining some of those key points of her life? Zoom in a little and give us a close look at the action. As it stands, she seems like a nicely detailed scaffold, but I don't get a real sense of the meat of her.
I do like the hints of the larger sci-fi setting and wouldn't mind seeing more subs about the various details you've peppered this sub with (the kind of thing I like that gives it a solid, rather than a generic, feel).
A pretty good first sub, by the way.
I like the idea of warriors so dedicated that they are willing to completely commit themselves to their cause in this way. Imagine the skill a thousand year old warrior would have (assuming they are able to continue to learn after death). Also imagine how cold and soulless they would have become, being unable to enjoy the regular aspects of life.
With some simple modifications, this idea could be used in many different ways, including some sci-fi (the mind is uploaded into an onboard AI, for example).Go to Comment
Good work on this. The writing is nicely done, the idea is interesting and well-rounded. I think it might take some thought to figure out how to use him in a game, but his story is intriguing enough to make me want to do so.
I like the internal struggle he is forced to endure as a balance to all of the power he has attained. Beware madness as a price for power!
Didn't see this one before I read the Residents sub, so this answered most of my lingering questions.
I do have a couple, though. If the city is only rebuilt at night, does that mean invaders only attack then? What do they do during the day and why would they wait around to attack in the darkness when there are so many effective defenders? (80 guards seem like an easier task for an invading army.) What would happen if they were to swarm the main dais and destroy the board with all the names?
Aside from the above questions, I absolutely love the idea and the atmosphere.Go to Comment
I had my doubts at the first one, since it seemed like the cliche Tolkienesque idea of a dragon. But, my doubts were quickly stripped away when reading the rest. Nicely done, very creative.
My favorites were: prehistoric, sea, mammalian, earshatter, salt, pen, tandoori (but many of the others were also fun).Go to Comment