I think the problem is that it is too vague and could use more details. I also think the overall theme is a little scattered (is it a creation myth? a tale about immortals?). I would suggest figuring out what the theme is and then going back through paragraph by paragraph, weighing each one against how well it fits/expands/explains that theme. Then cut, reword, and expand as needed until the message is clear.
Just my 2 cents.
This looks more like a first draft than a polished sub, so I will also withhold my vote.
An interesting idea and a vicious torture device. When you truly want your enemy to suffer.
A conceivable variation might be to allow an outsider to share in the vision in order to gather intelligence. How better to get to know your enemy than to see how he reacts in a sandbox?
#35 If an entire town is out looking to lynch a suspected murderer... even if you believe he's innocent, when you find him it is best not to go running after him, shouting his name while holding aloft a picture he painted of the victim. He is not likely to believe you have good intentions and might respond poorly.
Eden began as a standard ag station, just one of many bearing the same design and function across many systems with minimal habitable areas. This particular class of agricultural station was designed to produce food with great efficiency. Looking like a gigantic parabolic dish with a glass-like cone covering the concave side, they are little more than gigantic floating greenhouses, facing the nearest sun to collect and provide light.
Originally designated E115-G0532A and placed near a newly colonized world, Eden’s purpose was to provide food for the colony until it became self-sustaining; at which point it would be decommissioned. However, near the end of it’s designated life a group of dissatisfied colonists staged a nonviolent takeover of the station, proclaimed it Eden, and proceeded to build their own version of Utopia. They work by committee, grow their own food, weave their own clothing, and worship the Goddess of The Vine. Contact with the outside world is done through trade of foodstuffs. It is a well-known “secret” that they sell a range of natural narcotics. Mixed within the carrots, beets, and cabbages are a variety of consciousness-altering plants, tinctures, foods, and powders.
This could be fun to
harass challenge the players with. Sudden hysterics revealing the locations of the PCs as they try to hide, letting slip the slightest clue in the middle of pointless rambling, an investigation stymied by an unhelpful member of the party. Reminds me of an intelligent ring a character of mine once had and could not get rid of.
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Also reminds me a little of Bob from the Dresden Files.