I think the problem is that it is too vague and could use more details. I also think the overall theme is a little scattered (is it a creation myth? a tale about immortals?). I would suggest figuring out what the theme is and then going back through paragraph by paragraph, weighing each one against how well it fits/expands/explains that theme. Then cut, reword, and expand as needed until the message is clear.
Just my 2 cents.
This looks more like a first draft than a polished sub, so I will also withhold my vote.
An interesting idea and a vicious torture device. When you truly want your enemy to suffer.
A conceivable variation might be to allow an outsider to share in the vision in order to gather intelligence. How better to get to know your enemy than to see how he reacts in a sandbox?
#35 If an entire town is out looking to lynch a suspected murderer... even if you believe he's innocent, when you find him it is best not to go running after him, shouting his name while holding aloft a picture he painted of the victim. He is not likely to believe you have good intentions and might respond poorly.