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Specialst Damien Snow
NPCs  (Character Sheet)   (Combative)
MysticMoon's comment on 2013-03-14 11:33 AM
I'm withholding my vote for now but I will be happy to reread this if it is updated.

I see 2 areas where this could be improved. In the first, he seems a little stereotypical. There's nothing here to differentiate him from countless other movie and book heroes. He seems more like a caricature than a character. Parent killed? Check. Emotionally closed off? Check. Military training? Check. Believe me when I say this is an easy trap to fall into and one that has been difficult for me to kick. I reject a lot of my own character ideas (the ones that never make it to the page) for these same reasons.

Second, while the list of attributes covers many aspects, they don't really tell me who he is. I would say to use this list as a starting point rather than the finished product. If he's a practical joker, show us a couple of scenarios where that plays out. In fact, you could write a couple of paragraphs for each detail here and really bring this character to life. You may even find that the things which make so much sense as a single sentence fall apart once you try to fit them together through narrative. Contrary details may even present themselves.

I look forward to seeing where this concept takes you. Go to Comment
Specialst Damien Snow
NPCs  (Character Sheet)   (Combative)
MysticMoon's comment on 2013-03-15 08:26 AM
I look forward to seeing these. Go to Comment
The History of Atheus
Articles  (Setting Building)   (Game Mastering)
MysticMoon's comment on 2013-09-01 08:18 AM

I have difficulty believing that the humans would be able to simultaneously eject all the other races, but I understand this is critical to rest of the history and the nature of Atheus. It is internally consistent, which I like, but it seems to depend upon an unlikely event.

The same goes for keeping the barbarian races at bay. I would expect a horde of hungry and angry barbarians to be able to overwhelm the civilized lands. European history has more than a few instances of barbarians banding together with even less motivation to accomplish such a thing. (Then again, Caesar was able to conquer Gaul by pitting the tribes against each other, so I could be wrong.)

Having said all that, I see many possibilities in the way Atheus is set up. Lots of potential for conflict. I can't say I'm a big fan of the humans, especially the ones on the border. That kind of blatant segregation does not sit well with me. I'd probably want to play on the barbarian side, maybe as a troublemaking chieftain looking to unite with others and teach the humans a thing or two :)

Go to Comment
Atheus
Locations  (Continent)   (Any)
MysticMoon's comment on 2013-08-27 07:59 PM

I wish I'd read this one first before some of the other Atheus-related subs. This gives me a better sense of things.

Giving this a 3.5/5, but only because it's light on details. Hopefully many of those details will be filled out in other subs. (I always struggle with figuring out how much to put in one sub and when to split it out into others, knowing I risk a lower score on the individual ones when I do.)

Looking forward to reading more, including catching up on the history.


Go to Comment
Maire's Monsters
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
MysticMoon's comment on 2013-01-01 01:06 PM
I don't know what you had in mind, but with the combination of modern education and mysticism, I see this in a sort of supernatural 19th century Europe.

I like the added detail for the other sub. Go to Comment
Chromids
Society/ Organizations  (Artistic/Performance)   (Area)
MysticMoon's comment on 2013-08-25 09:32 PM
More excellent detail for the setting. This is the kind of background material that really helps set the tone. The word choices, the phrasing, etc all adds to the feel of material as well. Go to Comment
The Trapped Sea God
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
MysticMoon's comment on 2013-01-02 03:41 PM

Plot Hooks







  • Heroic PCs have vowed to drive off or slay the sea dragons, although they are hopelessly outnumbered and overpowered. A little research, or perhaps a chance meeting of an old bard on the road, reveals the existance of Gundrak, thus sending our epic party in search of his slumbering form.

  • Whilst sailing the northern seas, the party comes across a strange iceberg emanating magic. How does Gundrak react once freed from his prison of dreams?


Go to Comment
Mother Monster
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
MysticMoon's comment on 2013-01-01 01:02 PM
Great tone, excellent story on the birth of necromancy and zombies. Go to Comment
Fetting
Plots  (Event)   (Encounter)
MysticMoon's comment on 2012-12-31 07:01 PM
Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom by Cory Doctorow is an excellent example of this.

A possible plot hook: the PCs are hired by a clone who needs to know how his original self was killed. There is a blank between when the last brain dump was made and when the original was killed. Go to Comment
Bachsel
NPCs  (Extras-Horde)   (Artistic/Performance)
MysticMoon's comment on 2012-12-30 04:52 PM
What an interesting concept. This is an excellent seed for a plot. Go to Comment
AgroGnomes of Beta Arconis
Locations  (World)   (Any)
MysticMoon's comment on 2012-12-29 11:45 AM
There are a number of things I could certainly have included in this sub that would probably have made it feel more complete: Some fluff text to give a better feel for the place. More details, such as a number of prominent individuals and locations. Specific events in history. More about where space Gnomes come from and how they interact with other races and places. Ultimately, I could have spent another day or two on it but my goal for this piece was to get it out as quickly as possible as part of my personal 8-in-8 challenge.

As far as the other feedback:

Why is it believable that the Gnomes could tame an entire planet but not raise elephants? It's a large world with more arable land than they can use. They have a history of interactions with elephants and plenty of time to figure things out; maybe they played with the genes a little to make them more amenable animals.

Molten-salt batteries actually exist today, they are just not very widespread and the technology is currently immature.

The Gnomes used biotech to turn the dry land into usable soil. They bred genetically modified bacteria, mixed it with other organic matter, and introduced whatever other species it took to prepare the soil. It was a long process, taking many years, growing outward from a small area and continues on into the present day. Every Committee Chair has seen a consistent rise in productivity for many generations. Go to Comment
AgroGnomes of Beta Arconis
Locations  (World)   (Any)
MysticMoon's comment on 2012-12-29 01:01 PM
They're friggin' space Gnomes. They can tame elephants.

I see your non-fiction sources and raise you a fictional space opera universe. :P Go to Comment
AgroGnomes of Beta Arconis
Locations  (World)   (Any)
MysticMoon's comment on 2012-12-30 08:24 AM
Said much more eloquently than I.

The info about how long it takes livestock to mature is interesting and maybe something I can incorporate if I ever revisit this sub. Go to Comment
AgroGnomes of Beta Arconis
Locations  (World)   (Any)
MysticMoon's comment on 2012-12-31 10:28 PM
Update: Added more details and some fluff text to give a better sense of Gnomish society. Go to Comment
AgroGnomes of Beta Arconis
Locations  (World)   (Any)
MysticMoon's comment on 2012-12-31 10:42 PM

Plot Hooks:







  • The PCs track a known criminal with a bounty on her head to Beta Arconis. She is hiding out in one of the numerous fishing villages. Good luck getting help from the insular Gnomes or the persecuted fishermen.

  • Now that Beta Arconis is no longer the inhospitable rock it once was, numerous other races are pushing to create their own settlements. The Gnomes are doing their best to block these attempts. The PCs may be hired by outsiders to help expedite the process or they may side with the Gnomes and help them defend their world.

  • Someone from offworld has been sabotaging operations on Beta Arconis: poisoning crops, setting fire to grain silos, blowing up machinery. Is it a rival provider of food commodities seeking to break the Gnomish hold on trade? A hate group? A lone maniac?


Go to Comment
Fields of Flesh
Plots  (Hired)   (Single-Storyline)
MysticMoon's comment on 2013-08-24 09:25 PM

My first thought while reading this: Damn, I wish I had the video game. My second: If I keep reading I will already know what happens and I can never be the player who gets to explore this place. My third: Screw it, I need to know what's happening.


I was not disappointed.


I wish I had more to add to the discussion but the other comments have all said what I wanted to and more. I too would love to see a bestiary; when is this happening? ;)


Your descriptions are great and the concepts excellent. Your mind must be a twisted place!


Go to Comment
The Maritime Bank of Martinesse
Systems  (Mercantile)   (Historical)
MysticMoon's comment on 2012-12-20 08:14 AM
This is a really excellent first sub. Congrats! I agree with what the others said. This is entertaining and creative.

My only quibble here is that these are pirates... people who make a life out of taking from others despite the risk of execution if caught. I'd expect to see numerous attempts at gaming the system. Go to Comment
The Maritime Bank of Martinesse
Systems  (Mercantile)   (Historical)
MysticMoon's comment on 2012-12-20 08:49 AM
A case could be made that the difference between our banking system and the Maritime Bank is that the pirates are more honest about their intentions ;)

I think that would make an excellent plot hook. Perhaps an enterprising individual believes himself far too clever to get caught and tries to rope the PCs into his scheme. Go to Comment
The Djavarga
Society/ Organizations  (Mercantile)   (Area)
MysticMoon's comment on 2012-12-13 03:33 PM
Scras, your 100 word subs remind me of an interesting piece of art where some action is caught midmotion and the mind can't help but start filling in the details. Go to Comment
The Strange People of Khor Kal'ah
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Desert)
MysticMoon's comment on 2012-12-13 02:09 PM
I am impressed that you can say so much with so little, although it seems to me that this is more of a stub. Go to Comment
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