This is the kind of NPC that can drive a plot in so many unpredictable directions. Ally, enemy, easily underestimated; I likey.
Can someone missing such pieces of their soul know what they do not have? I imagine fear would keep Snap from taking that final step to being whole if it were actually in front of her. Wouldn't that be a death of sorts for her? Would she still be who she is afterward?
I wouldn't mind seeing more about the type of magic used by the witch and how she was able to provide some kind of soul. Was it a created soul? Some sort of trapped demon? A ghost? A patchwork of elemental or nature spirits? This is purely curiosity as the sub works fine on its own. Go to Comment
I'm withholding my vote for now but I will be happy to reread this if it is updated.
I see 2 areas where this could be improved. In the first, he seems a little stereotypical. There's nothing here to differentiate him from countless other movie and book heroes. He seems more like a caricature than a character. Parent killed? Check. Emotionally closed off? Check. Military training? Check. Believe me when I say this is an easy trap to fall into and one that has been difficult for me to kick. I reject a lot of my own character ideas (the ones that never make it to the page) for these same reasons.
Second, while the list of attributes covers many aspects, they don't really tell me who he is. I would say to use this list as a starting point rather than the finished product. If he's a practical joker, show us a couple of scenarios where that plays out. In fact, you could write a couple of paragraphs for each detail here and really bring this character to life. You may even find that the things which make so much sense as a single sentence fall apart once you try to fit them together through narrative. Contrary details may even present themselves.
I look forward to seeing where this concept takes you. Go to Comment
Heroic PCs have vowed to drive off or slay the sea dragons, although they are hopelessly outnumbered and overpowered. A little research, or perhaps a chance meeting of an old bard on the road, reveals the existance of Gundrak, thus sending our epic party in search of his slumbering form.
Whilst sailing the northern seas, the party comes across a strange iceberg emanating magic. How does Gundrak react once freed from his prison of dreams?
Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom by Cory Doctorow is an excellent example of this.
A possible plot hook: the PCs are hired by a clone who needs to know how his original self was killed. There is a blank between when the last brain dump was made and when the original was killed. Go to Comment
There are a number of things I could certainly have included in this sub that would probably have made it feel more complete: Some fluff text to give a better feel for the place. More details, such as a number of prominent individuals and locations. Specific events in history. More about where space Gnomes come from and how they interact with other races and places. Ultimately, I could have spent another day or two on it but my goal for this piece was to get it out as quickly as possible as part of my personal 8-in-8 challenge.
As far as the other feedback:
Why is it believable that the Gnomes could tame an entire planet but not raise elephants? It's a large world with more arable land than they can use. They have a history of interactions with elephants and plenty of time to figure things out; maybe they played with the genes a little to make them more amenable animals.
Molten-salt batteries actually exist today, they are just not very widespread and the technology is currently immature.
The Gnomes used biotech to turn the dry land into usable soil. They bred genetically modified bacteria, mixed it with other organic matter, and introduced whatever other species it took to prepare the soil. It was a long process, taking many years, growing outward from a small area and continues on into the present day. Every Committee Chair has seen a consistent rise in productivity for many generations. Go to Comment
The PCs track a known criminal with a bounty on her head to Beta Arconis. She is hiding out in one of the numerous fishing villages. Good luck getting help from the insular Gnomes or the persecuted fishermen.
Now that Beta Arconis is no longer the inhospitable rock it once was, numerous other races are pushing to create their own settlements. The Gnomes are doing their best to block these attempts. The PCs may be hired by outsiders to help expedite the process or they may side with the Gnomes and help them defend their world.
Someone from offworld has been sabotaging operations on Beta Arconis: poisoning crops, setting fire to grain silos, blowing up machinery. Is it a rival provider of food commodities seeking to break the Gnomish hold on trade? A hate group? A lone maniac?
This is a really excellent first sub. Congrats! I agree with what the others said. This is entertaining and creative.
My only quibble here is that these are pirates... people who make a life out of taking from others despite the risk of execution if caught. I'd expect to see numerous attempts at gaming the system. Go to Comment