" Gladdys told me a good one last night! Seems the wife of Arkalidus, the city-guard captain, has been doin' some eh...extra guard-duty on the side, if ye know what I mean. Eh?...you don't know what I mean? of course ye don't dolt! I forgot who I was talking to. Lean in closer boy...not that close, ye' reek of fish and garlic ! Looks like she's been loving up the sergeant, and a few of dem' other boys too! Can ya' believe that? Makes ya' feel safe don't it? I mean the captain suppose ta' be sharp as a needle, catching crooks and killers and all, but here's his misses, doin' her best to get ta know each guard real personal like, right under his beak of a nose, and he couldn't see it if he had twelve eyes like dem' bee-holders! Eh? has my Gladdys ever what?!...If my leg didn't hurt, I'd kick your poatato head for asking!
" I've been to the docks again. Dem boys always got dem' goose tales don't they? So I stopped to get me' Gladdys a fish, and who did I run inta? Saltheart, hisself! The only dwarf to ever sail the seas! You know me, I just wanted to get me' fish and git, but the barnacle-beard started talking. Says there's a strange ship that came in with the tide. A caravel, me' thinks he called it. Eh?...Whats strange about that? Whats strange about that beets-for-brains, is that there be no crew on dis ship! Did ya' hear boy? I said no crew. She just came in, and docked herself, and thats that. No one had the onions to board her, and before the harbormaster's men came to investigate, off she goes again! I wouldn't believe it if I saw it me'self, but dem' dwarven boys dont lie, ye' know. What?...why am I cursed with ye'. Next time she comes I'll tie yer arse to her prow, and then off ye' go!..hehe"
" Lotsa folk comin' in for the festival. Lotsa good chant to go around. Here's one I heard from a visiting holy man. Seems the countess, Gressa of Whiteholt is looking for a husband. But not jus' any bloke will do! She's beautiful you see, eh?...how beautiful? what the devil you care? You aint bonified! Anyway, she's issued a bit of a challenge to her suitors. Ye' can only apply for her hand in marriage, if ye' can figure out somethin' called, The Secret of the Great White Elm. Eh? How in the seven hells would I know what that means! Thats why they call it a secret, simpleton! I'm just saying is all. You?..hehe. You couldn't figure out a secret if it was figured out for ya' and explained to ya' for a week!"
" It wouldnt have killed ya' to have saved me one o' dem pies Dimwit! Gladdys, you believin' what I'm seeing? That no good nephew of yours just finished off the last one! Whaddaya mean never-ye-mind? Eh?...what about Pig-leg? Who told ya? Where'd he get it? Hmmm, if it be true he's gonna need im' self a fence or a partner he can trust. What's Pig-leg know about books anyhow? He cant read none! He tried to read once. Got hisself a headache so fierce, he was bed-ridden for a week, he was! Maybe I'll be goin' to see im'. Stop laughing and chew yer cud! I'd know what ta do wit it, I would! Take it to a mage o'course! Maybe there would be a bit o' coin, for ol' Kaboo..hehe. Cant be one o' dem regular books, not if Pig-leg aint lying. Dem regular books dont open up and close all by demselves'! And they dont be making no noises either! Mmmm... here comes the butter-loaf. If you touch it, I'll knife ya!"
" Ye know I cant tell which is worse. The air that comes out yer mouth or the air from yer arse. Hey! That reminds me! Hear what happened to those boys in da' mine?...you did? No matter, ye probably didn't understand it the first time ya' heard it anyhow! I'll tell ya' again. Seems dem' boys were digging real low in the pit. I mean real low! You know dem' little canaries they bring wit dem? Ta see where da air is comin' from. Well a few of dem' little critters up and died, just all of a sudden-like! So dem boys, they git to running, figurin' the airs no good. They runnin' and runnin, until they get demselves up n'lost! It aint easy navigatin' dem' mines, ye know. Kinda like you findin' your way from da' bed to the chamber pot in da' mornin! Anyway, they come upon an old unused tunnel, and know what they find? A door in the rock! Not no normal door, this one is bleedin! S'right! Bleedin red as a rose, just comin' off it in droplets! Well the boys dont open it o'course, they just git ta gittin again...what? Nay, these boys aint no fibbers like dem' topsiders. If a miners' tellin ya' somethin' you can bet its true!"
"Ever hear of da' Lucky Ranger? Well, ya will now, wont ya? Dis here fella was a legend in his time! Eh?..why am I tellin' ya? Cause' ya' remind me of him o'course. Only in yer case, its incredible how lucky ye' must be to have survived all these years, bein' as stupid as ye' are! Anyway...give me that tobakee...hm? Oh right. Well, Tancy the Lucky they called im'! This boy could navigate ya' through the woods, like nobody's business, he could! All dem' beasties wouldn't be stoppin' Tancy from gettin' through. Never lost a man in all his years, he didn't! They say he cheated death as often as, well...as often as ye' take a piss! Ya' ever hear of the ol' evil-eye? Well Tancy, he musta been given the ol' good-eye in his youth! A true hero! Never a misstep! Eh?...what happened to em'? Well...a tree dropped on poor Tancy, outta da' blue yonder, crushed im' like I just crushed that skeeter! But they say that sword o' his is still out there, they say it still calls to im'"
"There is a cave in the Hills of Bezil, or so I've heard. In this here cave, dwells a lonely stone giant. They say..eh? who says? they say! Thats all ye' need to know...I've just about had it wit' ya' by the by. Anyway, so they say that if ye' go there by light of day, the giant will kill ya' pure an' simple. Smash ya' wit' his fists, till ye' look like Gladdys' puddin'! But if ye' go at night the cave is always empty. He's never there when its dark, ya' follow? Must be out an' about doin' whatever it is stonegiants do when they canna' sleep. Maybe he be one o' dem vampyre giants, dat dem boys at the inn mention when they are deep in their cups. But I dont be believin' that. Vampyre giants indeed! What a load o' mularkey! hehe.. So anyway, I'm thinking...are ye' snoring?! How can ya' fall asleep durin' the best part?"
" So ye heard of were-badgers havent ye? Eh? no?...well ye've heard of badgers then I hope! Right then, I shoulda known...well, they be like skunks, but dont smell as bad, and can fight ya' like the dickens with dem teeth an' claws! Now these here dwarves, ye can tell em' by there white striped black cloaks by the by, have come to Marsuth, or so I hear. And ye' dont wanna be pissin' on these boys, cause when the moon turns right, they be turnin' into these huge ferocious badgers I be tellin ya' about! Heard they gots some bones to pick with dem' mercenary boys...em..uh..what are they calling themselves...oh right, the Wereslayers! Wouldn't want to be around when these two gangs square off, I can tell ye' that! Eh? what?..you? hehehe. You'd be a were-cow if gods had a sense of humor!
"So ye know me' luck, by now. Ye know how I dont like dem elves! all high-n-mighty with dem pointed ears! So o'course, guess who starts chanting at Ol' Kaboo at the Heathen Den? Eh?...whaddaya mean who?! Ye know, ya' might as well go to sleep, it'd be da same talking to ye' then! An elf o' course! So just as I was about to tell im' where that pointy ear o' his would be a good fit..hehe..he asks me for some directions. Now ye know I know Marsuth, like a hangman knows his noose, so I hold off with me' insults, an' tell da skinny fella where ta' go. Know where he wanted to go? Seskopo's Sweet Meats!...Huh? because thats the front for dem' hired killer boys thats why! Aint a secret to Kaboo! So I woulda not paid no mind, but then I noticed me somethin'. Dis here elf had his hands leaning on the iron stove the whole time I be tellin him where to go! Eh?..well, this stove was lit! And roasting meat since dawn! Ye dont get it do ye'? Never ye mind, never ye mind"
"Gimme all your coin!...Eh? No pigeonhead! I dont want your three coppers! I'm tellin ya' a story! So thats how it started when the Gassers tried robbing dis here caravan comin' in through Pefwens Wood. Ye know the Gassers, they is feared in dem parts by travellers. But not dis here traveller. Heard that he just stepped outta his covered wagon, and faced the dozen or so boys by hisself! Showing no fear, he passes dem' a coin, a sigle coin, an' tells em', thats all they be gettin' and thats all they ever be needin' and that he hisself wont be needin' it anymore! Now I havent seen the coin, so I canna vouch for dis, but Guhkil the Spoon, says he ran inta one o'dem Gasser boys! Know what he says? He says the boys harumph at first and git ready to knife the stranger and search the wagons, but then they looked at the coin, forgot the traveller, and turned on each other with bared knives. Guhkil says da' one he ran inta was the only one left alive from all dem' Gassers! And git this! He was begging Guhkil to take the coin from im'! Eh?...I dunno, Guhkil's a known liar! Why da ya' think they call em' the Spoon!...no wait, that be a different tale."