Well, I think this is a really detailed description of a crown/ring/staff/*item*/etc of undead control. The voice of the misery-stricken narrator certainly adds to the pervasively gruesome atmosphere.
The most interesting part is the ambiguous 'soul-binding' between the undead and the sacrificed child. This 'unknown and untested' link is fascinating because it can potentially be used to "interfere" with the control by the main-crown wearer.
Imagine an undead almost completely controlled by a necromancer, yet at the same time, invaded by the thoughts and intelligence(?) of a child.
In this sentence, you need to add, "to believe" after "leads me"...
<i>The fact that he has given me these items and they are far from perfect
leads me that these crowns will be for a dark and nefarious purpose
hence the need for them to be vile</i> Go to Comment
Hi, I'm Muro, and I love vile and disturbing undead thingies.
Group: Hi Muro. Don't be afraid to share your feelings here...tell us of your recent progress.
Me: Well, I've been trying hard. Real hard. Yesterday i almost wrote out a bile-dripping, brain-sucking, amniotic fluid-producing creature. Then I caught myself, and read a book on Unicorns and the fairy elves who ride them instead. Every day is a battle.
As I started reading this, I kept thinking, well, its your basic illusion spell, but then it veers towards greatness and uniqueness! Really weird and really cool idea. Will use this somehow...somewhere. Go to Comment
The tale does draw you in, well written, making her quite memorable. Zombirth, as Forganthus calls it....this is a new concept for me as far as undead begetting, and I Iove it. Deliciously gruesome! Go to Comment
From a fantasy perspective i like it, because its exotic...and alcohol.
But it nags at me as a lover of said alcohol. Camel humps are filled with fat for the most part, not liquid. So instead of taking out the water, it would involve scooping out fat. And fermenting grapes with bits of meat and fat clinging to the hump's walls, is not only downright disgusting (ANY culture would agree ) but it messes with the fermentation process itself.
Yes, and I can list a few more from around the world that are even more horrifying----coffee shat out by civets in SE Asia, boar rectums and anal canals, barely grilled over ash in various parts of Africa, and so on----but my point was, you can't ferment wine in fat.
The stomach-churning aspects don't bother me a bit :) Go to Comment
Well, it has dwarven feel for sure. I agree with axle for the most part, it is a good legend and history for a world, if a bit disjointed and mish-mashed together. Undead dwarves are fun. I particularly enjoyed the beginning, where you discuss the clans, geography, and societal notes. Go to Comment