Holy crap this is going ot take me a week to read... Kudos on being complete Cheka... and I will be honest I haven't finished reading this yet so I won't vote now.
I will say this though. A few things irk me.
I will vote on this when I can finish it.Go to Comment
I like this but am not blown away by it. It bespeaks of prettmuch an any guided just with a bit of background. The excerpt from the retired guild member is good though. It brings out that normally adventurers are frowned upon and the guild is seen as a grand thing. However the inner monologue of the guild is the exact opposite. The guild is seen as a bunch of lazy thieving a-holes that their only compunction is to sit back and take money from those who actually work. A typical union of the modern era if you ask me.
Its good I just dont see it as being epic.Go to Comment
I must say I began reathis train trying to find a reason to not vote a perfect score but I honestly can not find one. While I am not overly keen on you wake up in an unknown place with unknown people, this actually works. It's a tad odd but it works. The map did wonders for me as well. All in all I didn't find the plot uberly unique but with all the little extras it just works. KudosGo to Comment
This is all nit picky and I apologize in advance.
This is definitely a semi secure prison. However it bespeaks of one in a movie i saw once. With the exception of the mining area it is near identicle.
The size of the rooms seem off to me as well a ten by ten room is not a normal sized room for two inmates to be considered cramped. Most of the rooms I've delt with (I worked in the prison system not a member) were eight by ten and those were considered very large for two people. Five by eight were common.
The idea of the inmates in solitary having weights is a very bad idea. Assuming there are facilities for them to use the bathroom what is stopping them from flooding the rooms and then using the weights as weapons? Also having the kitchen on the solitary level also is dangerous if the kitchen is run by the inmates. It should be on the top level away from inmate living quarters. Even though knives are not allowed it is a functioning kitchen and there are a lot of utensils that can be used or fashioned into makeshift weapons. Rolling pin anyone?
All that being said, there are more I will just slow down on the harsh critique, this also has some ideas to pull from. Making the inmates work 750 feet under the water is an interesting idea. The can run but where? Without a breathing apparatus they would drown before getting to the surface. Also making the inmates responsible for pumping air into the prison is interesting.
I don't find this a bad sub but I just don't find enough draw to it for me to make it say Whoa! It's a prison and underwater. Cool but it's been done. Add some plot hooks or some NPC personalities to make it stand out and it may just do it for me.
Sorry for the long and potentially harsh critique.
Another thing I thought of, since the entire complex is run off of 14 hour batteries that are charged daily by inmate power... what happens during a huge storm? Say a four or five day hurricane plows through the area. it will be impossible to throw the inmates on the roof of this floating bobber to withstand 75 mile and hour winds, if your lucky, to be able to recharge the generator that will only last for 14 hours which takes ten hours to fiully charge the air supply and generator. I agree with Siren that this complex is far to small to be cost efficient even in a magical fantasy world where we can get magic to do for us that manual labor couldnt. Just another observation.Go to Comment
I agree with the others. This has merit and the basic idea is a nifty one. However I would have liked a tad bit more information other than the short quoted text. Maybe have showed a detailed account of one such transition into a Chosen, perhaps the transformation of Grysh.
At first reading the beginning i was thinking this to be similar to one of my subs an underground prison as well. But on reading further I found this to be an entirely near complex adventure/ campaign that can be used as Muro stated. It is very feasible to have this dropped into an ongoing game for a respite from a current plot or to create an entirely different flow altogether.
I will have to follow the freetext for more information regarding this. It is near a complete sub as could be, although more information about the city would help me put it jus right. Kudos sir. Great work.
After reading the Shardis Goals I came to this expecting a grand tale describing these children of darkness. This feels to me that it is a good start but it is lacking information about the children I think. It seems to explain what the children want or are looking for but little about them other than they are in hiding and they sacrifice people for a reason. The reason being a perfect tie in to the ever lengthening shadows. I was just hoping for more about the children themselves. Its not bad, again seems like a good beginning.
Ok, so here we have this eternal black hell. Interesting. There is no light here and anyone trapped here that has no way of seeing in this blackness is pretty much screwed. Cool. I echo Siren in asking how does one stumble to this Hell or be sent here? Seems like a foolish place to willingly go for sure. A trek to find an item hidden within the realm to stop the ensuing darkness perhaps? Into the Lion's Den for sure.
It is a grand and horrible place brought to life by its unique ecosystem, each one seeming to have a real mind of their own yet to echo Pariah I do not understand the ability to be immune to light if they are blind. No immune persay but not as weak to it as others when "the touch of light is anathema to the natives of this hell, searing flesh and burning away the darkness that comprises their very essence."
Go to Comment
Regardless this is a nifty place and it speaks of dark and ill nightmares should it leak out into the real world. A wonderful forboding place to have a campaign.
I am on the same page as Mystic in saying this came out far better than I had originally thought by reading the title. Some are really good while others just do not seem to hit with me very well. For instance #4 just seems off. I may just not be fond of it or it may be written in a strange way.