There are rumors of a hidden glade deep in the forest, ringed by dozens of towering oaks, each with dozens of eldest lupine dendrognaths leering from their trunks. And in the center of the glade, stairs downward.This only explains the possibility of why they are in this one area not the rest of the wilds.
I don't think it explains it enough to make sense. If that is the only place these things are found then its perfect but by reading it it seems they are scattered throughout the wilds in a random half hazard order. It still doesn't give a reason why they are made or why they only attack once. Unless I am simply missing it somewhere.Go to Comment
This bespeaks a bit of Final Destination where death itself causes random almost innocent events of chance that cause the most horrific ends. Wonderful item. A tad bit interesting and flavorful. To bad it usually ends up in death, I would make it not so detrimental unless kept for a very long time. Perhaps the random accidents get increasingly worse the longer the item is used. All in all though I liked it.Go to Comment
Holy crap this is going ot take me a week to read... Kudos on being complete Cheka... and I will be honest I haven't finished reading this yet so I won't vote now.
I will say this though. A few things irk me.
I will vote on this when I can finish it.Go to Comment
I like this but am not blown away by it. It bespeaks of prettmuch an any guided just with a bit of background. The excerpt from the retired guild member is good though. It brings out that normally adventurers are frowned upon and the guild is seen as a grand thing. However the inner monologue of the guild is the exact opposite. The guild is seen as a bunch of lazy thieving a-holes that their only compunction is to sit back and take money from those who actually work. A typical union of the modern era if you ask me.
Its good I just dont see it as being epic.Go to Comment
I must say I began reathis train trying to find a reason to not vote a perfect score but I honestly can not find one. While I am not overly keen on you wake up in an unknown place with unknown people, this actually works. It's a tad odd but it works. The map did wonders for me as well. All in all I didn't find the plot uberly unique but with all the little extras it just works. KudosGo to Comment
This is all nit picky and I apologize in advance.
This is definitely a semi secure prison. However it bespeaks of one in a movie i saw once. With the exception of the mining area it is near identicle.
The size of the rooms seem off to me as well a ten by ten room is not a normal sized room for two inmates to be considered cramped. Most of the rooms I've delt with (I worked in the prison system not a member) were eight by ten and those were considered very large for two people. Five by eight were common.
The idea of the inmates in solitary having weights is a very bad idea. Assuming there are facilities for them to use the bathroom what is stopping them from flooding the rooms and then using the weights as weapons? Also having the kitchen on the solitary level also is dangerous if the kitchen is run by the inmates. It should be on the top level away from inmate living quarters. Even though knives are not allowed it is a functioning kitchen and there are a lot of utensils that can be used or fashioned into makeshift weapons. Rolling pin anyone?
All that being said, there are more I will just slow down on the harsh critique, this also has some ideas to pull from. Making the inmates work 750 feet under the water is an interesting idea. The can run but where? Without a breathing apparatus they would drown before getting to the surface. Also making the inmates responsible for pumping air into the prison is interesting.
I don't find this a bad sub but I just don't find enough draw to it for me to make it say Whoa! It's a prison and underwater. Cool but it's been done. Add some plot hooks or some NPC personalities to make it stand out and it may just do it for me.
Sorry for the long and potentially harsh critique.
Another thing I thought of, since the entire complex is run off of 14 hour batteries that are charged daily by inmate power... what happens during a huge storm? Say a four or five day hurricane plows through the area. it will be impossible to throw the inmates on the roof of this floating bobber to withstand 75 mile and hour winds, if your lucky, to be able to recharge the generator that will only last for 14 hours which takes ten hours to fiully charge the air supply and generator. I agree with Siren that this complex is far to small to be cost efficient even in a magical fantasy world where we can get magic to do for us that manual labor couldnt. Just another observation.Go to Comment
I agree with the others. This has merit and the basic idea is a nifty one. However I would have liked a tad bit more information other than the short quoted text. Maybe have showed a detailed account of one such transition into a Chosen, perhaps the transformation of Grysh.