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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
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Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-06 06:07 PM
I was mainly referring to your comment above regarding the shortness of my scenes but well, I always say multiple things in 1 comment. And I'm dying to hear this idea of yours. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 7
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-20 06:36 PM
Mainly wondering if the romance in this Chapter is getting too much out of hand since it is not my intention for this to be a romance story dressed up as a fake fantasy story.
Also wondering if the ending to this Chapter seems a bit of an anti-climax or whether it would do? Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 7
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-30 09:10 PM
Thanks for letting me know the shortfall in character development that I was wandering about myself. To be honest, I've found that my mind could be cluttered with millions of different plots if I let it, some of which I'm not the tinniest part interested in writing about. And then I couldn't come up with any characters. Originally, I had another story in my mind where everything was original work but then I got majorly stuck on characterisation so I started with this story where the majority of characters I'm just 'stealing' from history.

That was really a side track above. Not to be defensive, I get what you are saying and agree with it, the reason for what you mentioned of me continuously plunging Bortai into new conflicts that do not link up with previous conflicts is basically the result of this book being all plot-driven when I plan it. Basically, in each Chapter, I will have two events happening on which scenes are based around (don't ask me why, this is just what popped into my head).

Actually, I did plan to expand the section where Bortai relearnt the nitty-gritty of her Crunalan life which I think you alluded to in one of the earlier Chapters. I was mainly thinking of better world building which was the original context that you raised the point. But I will think about how to incorporate more emotional involvement for Bortai when I made revisions for these earlier Chapters.

Now stepping back to the broad picture of this whole series, the real action pertaining to the main plot only really starts when Bortai and Temujin goes off travelling which occurs in Chap 10 (all right, I admit this might sound a bit crazy given that I only planned 21 Chaps for this book but in some ways, I specifically picked this story so that I could muck around with it). Whatever came before was mostly plot hooks set up for later and what I thought of as character development eg. the scene with the three boys thinking of the future. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 7
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-30 09:27 PM
In that quote, I'm describing moments of the sunset and what I was aiming for is to create an unconventional imagery so that the reader gets 'better immersion' into a fantasy world. The Mistflowers are actual flowers (I have a sub put up here about them actually). The thing thinning out into gauze-thin shard is the sunlight but I see that interpretation might be confusing given the phrasing of this long sentence.

On the conversation between Temujin and Bortai in this Chapter, no, I'm not coming back to it since it's basically just small-talk between the two of them where Temujin tries to chat her up. To be honest, I found that I'm prone to writing long sections of descriptions and the internal monologue of Bortai with little conversation. Up to this point, this problem is not that severe yet but in later Chapters, I sometimes truncate actual conversation and turned into a summary made by Bortai in her head. I'm a bit worried that it would make the story hard to read but I'm not sure what to do about that. Anyway, later issues for later. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 7
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-30 10:30 PM
Actually, I just realised that I was being stupid when I said the real action starts at Chap 10, it actual starts at Chap 5 when Bortai became involved in the war. And by plot driven, I guess I really mean event driven. How I've been functioning as a writer is that I first need to have the entire sequence of events happening in the book nailed down in a Chapter by Chapter summary format (basically 2 dot points on what actually happens in the Chap) and then I have to nail down each scene in a given Chap.


I also feel that I definitely need the second scene of Chap 8 for this story because it is sort of the foundation for Bortai in terms of her role in the main adventures and that scene is somewhat tied to her memory loss. So I'm not sure about cutting at this stage, I will keep posting up what I've written up so far and can you inform me of your thoughts on this issue again after Chap 10?



To be honest, I am starting to feel that the events happening in this series is a bit all-over-the-place (so far, I have only completely charted out the events in book 1 and 2 where the adventures are still on the Steppe and related to the coming war. Book 3 and 4 are half fleshed out and by book 4, the party is somehow travelling to as far as Tibet and getting embroiled in the politicking within a religious sect. Also, from book 1-3, I'm introducing a new party member in each book.).

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 7
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-31 05:16 PM
Thanks for drawing out another shortcoming in my writing that I've always been aware of. I had not thought about all of these aspects that you raised when I wrote the Chap (when I write, it's basically on a stream of consciousness basis). But luckily, I do have some answers for you because they were in the behind-the-scenes work in this story but somehow did not make it into the story: her amnesia has largely no effect on her understanding of the social norms which are safe in her subconscious, which has been the state ever since she first woke up back in Chap 1. She does not have specific recollections of however she derived her own stance on the social norms but if you drag her into an interrogation on this topic, she will be able to answer you without hesitation, purely out of instinct (pretend you have absolute power over her so that she can only speak the truth).

btw, Chap 8 is coming out today which will also throw some light on these answers in an indirect way. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 6
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-19 07:16 PM
Just wondering how people are liking Bortai up to this point in time and in general views on character development. The story so far is pretty much all plot-driven on Bortai's side, what are people's thoughts on this? Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 6
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-29 07:08 PM
Thanks for the feedback, again immensely useful to me. I will definitely be expanding on the aspects you suggested, I've finally put in one edit for the Prologue addressing your comments today while I was still suffering from the aftermath of being stuck in Chap 13. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 5
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-19 06:28 PM


Crunalan terms glossary



smooth over the geal - a geal is the Crunlan term for a splotch made on a fabric during the dying process. It is a phrase used to refer to the uncovering up of unpleasant truth.



This Chapter is slightly shorter than the others because I'm not that great with writing action scenes. Would like opinions on whether it needs more meat on the bones or not.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 5
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-26 10:21 PM
Thanks for the feedback, it's great to know that I've at least written one Chapter so far that's ready to go. In terms of voice, this is certainly one of the easiest chapter to write because I got a whole Chapter to write from Bortai's perspective uninterrupted.

As for restructuring the Chapters so that this becomes Chap 1, I will have to ponder on it some more before making any changes (it wouldn't change the broad content much but will have a major impact on the ordering of scenes and some scenes will have written anew. To be honest, I haven't really played around with different structuring of the scenes but rather derived the current way of telling the story simply because I felt that it's okay. What you suggested here is certainly food for thought.) but your opinion is duly noted for the upcoming revision. Go to Comment
27/30 Bad Things about Treasure
Articles  (Humor/ Editorial)   (Gaming - In General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-15 12:41 AM
A nice sub for bringing a bunch of older subs to light again. Haven't finished with this sub, will come back to vote later. Go to Comment
27/30 Bad Things about Treasure
Articles  (Humor/ Editorial)   (Gaming - In General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-20 05:02 PM
A good solid sub with fair utility value. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 4
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-19 06:20 PM
Crunalan terms glossary
tovshuur - a two-stringed lute
gubei - a fruit whose juice is rich and smooth
kuai- an ideal or pinnacle state Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 4
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-26 05:12 PM
Thanks for this feedback that alerts me to a vital flaw of mine that I wouldn't have picked up myself. I think what you pointed out had partly to do with the fact that this is my first attempt to use the all-seeing angle rather than simple first-person or third-person angle to write and I have mucked up the 'zooming in and out of characters' aspect and the other part was just being too close to the story and then forgetting to get back into 'neutral ground' for the purpose of narrating.

In terms of Temulen, she is Temujin's little sister and both Borochu and Nergei have feelings for her. I might not have communicated the younger sister part at all but I thought by the end of the paragraph you mentioned I've made the love triangle aspect explicit? Anyway, right at this point in the story, Temulen is just a background character (supporting cast) that forms part of the main characters' social circle. The only other purpose of introducing her right now was to introduce the love triangle thing which is mainly a kind of hook for future character development of Borochu and Nergei as well as being a semi-plot-hook itself. I would be interested to know what are your thoughts of that paragraph in light of what I revealed of my intentions.

I'm a bit slow in doing full editing based on your comments because I'm still writing this story and periodically I get really stuck on certain scenes like right now. However, I really appreciate your in-depth comments that's given me so much help in improving this work and I will definitely address them in full eventually. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 4
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-26 05:59 PM
Okay, thanks for the feedback, much appreciated. I will see how I could edit to make all these come out stronger later down on the track.
I did have a running suspicion that I would be botching up the romance bits as well as any action scenes. Ah well, editing makes perfect, I guess.
For the purpose of this scene, it is true that Temulen basically just walked by and said hi to the guys. The immediate purpose of introducing her at this point was because she was tied to Nergei's dream of the future later on this scene as well as the future potentials. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 2
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-23 06:02 PM
Yes, Koka was thinking back to a moment in the past, when she had just arrived at the Gathering. Thanks for the catch. Fixed. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 2
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-26 04:41 PM
On the out of body experience part, what I was trying to describe was basically telepathy and that is a power unique to Koketani and others like her (the Sisters).
Dream Steeds are just normal horses but they are the heads of their herds.
In that paragraph you quoted, only Aunt Koka was speaking and doing things but I can see were the pronoun she could be ambiguous given that it's an interacton between two female characters.
Clarity is a weak point of mine, thanks for your great catches. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 2
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-26 05:32 PM


"Is she telepathically communicating with the past?"



She was telepathically communicating (or starting to do so) with the horses at the moment that she was recollecting. I was trying to describe this telepathy thing in a concrete way. In my construction, the steps you follow are roughly: 1. you stretch out your mind towards the target. In this state, you can say your mind is detached from your body but it's really more of a concentration thing. 2. your mind travels for some distance until you touch the target's mind (imagine someone sending out brainwaves and the brainwaves had to travel for some distance until they reach the target) 3. once in touch, you can take a peek as well as requesting permission to converse/enter the target's mind etc. 4. to terminate this telepathy, your mind normally retreats of its own accord if the interaction was peaceful. However, if you are slammed back, that means the other party either 'pushes you back' or there was some other force at work such as a shield around the mind you are trying to contact etc.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 2
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-26 05:38 PM
"The paragraph that I quoted started with the phrase...."

Sorry I made my response without scrolling back up to see what I had actually written. Your original interpretation is correct, I should've broken up the paragraph when the speaker changes. Changed now. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 2
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Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-06 01:33 AM
After feedback from Axle, I have decided to re-write from Chapter 2 onwards (or rather expansion is more accurate because basically I'm adding in 3 new scenes in between this Chapter which pushes all subsequent scenes back and I've reordered a few existing scenes). Any new reader please note this. Go to Comment
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