Short and sweet as always. The plot hooks are quite nice.
A few typos:
2nd line- "performs" spelled w/o the r;
1st sentence of 3rd paragraph a bit off in phrasing
Origin paragraph 2nd last line- others view "him"
All the apostraphes are gone Go to Comment
It's an okay submission in the sense that it describes the phenomenon well but I only give a 3 because it doesn't mention why such a phenomenon occurs i.e. why do elephants want to migrate across the sea every 3 years? Go to Comment
A pretty solid sub that has a very coherent backstory. It also ties in nicely with your Herthers sub, by the way.
One typo in the 5th paragraph of History of Castle Merciless: When the night of "the" party came...
Also, I would like to raise a pt on presentation: at first I was discouraged from even reading the sub because it's very cluttered up and appears very long (this is at work with a different browser). I don't know whether that's why you haven't received any feedback on this until now but it might be a possible reason. At home, it doesn't look that long but still quite cluttered. Maybe you should consider having a blank line between each paragraph in addition to break between headings.
Finally, I'm undecided on the vote at the moment: it's between 3.5 and 4.0 for me. So my vote is still forthcoming. Go to Comment
A solid submission but I personally would like to know more about how this race is different from humans in terms of social customs although this sub seems to imply that they have almost perfectly assimilated into human society and culture. Nevertheless, I like the description in the summary box. In fact, I like all of summaries in your submissions. In fact, I would suggest that you put the paragraph into the main body of the submission where it's more noticeable b/c it greatly enhances the atmosphere of the piece. Maybe put these paragraphs in italics before the Full Description? the HTML syntax for it can be found on the RHS panel of the add submission page (there should a link titled HTML help) if you don't know off the top of your head. Go to Comment
Those yellow boxes are called blockquotes. There's a HTML help link on the RHS panel on the add submission page where you can find the syntax. Basically, the syntax for blockquote is just the word blockquote within a HTML bracket Go to Comment
Sorry that I didn't make it 100% clear. The correct syntax for a blockquote is (left pointy bracket) blockquote (right pointy bracket) ...Insert text...(left pointy bracket) /blockquote (right pointy bracket) Go to Comment
I'm of two minds on this. First, I'm with Val in that I feel that this is written in a way that does not particularly draw readers. However, given that this is done in the context of a dwarven ethnographer, I don't mind it so much. The length I can also live with, not in one sitting but broken up into multiple sessions, I have no problem with it. Second, I really like the allavets and the character of the Ivanvill does come through for me. So all in all, I still think there is something different about this sub that elevates it above the conventional mass. Go to Comment
To be honest, I can fully empathise with this "self indulgent" writing as you call it. A lot of the stuff I put under Dragon Empire freetext is wholly self-indulgent. When I first created the label, I wasn't even planning on embarking on novel writing except maybe in my old ages and not for gaming purposes either. So in that sense I was doubly self-indulgent. And yes, writing in general for me is at least half about self indulgence- I just love to write and write in the way that I do.
Anyway, I somehow interpreted Val's comment as referring to the ethnographic tone but yeah, I'm all for self indulgent writing for hobby writers. As for bullet points versus blocks of text, I actually prefer the latter. But then I've never been much of a bullet point person. My bullet points usually are just normal sentences but with the first nouns removed. However, I understand for the purpose of 'stealing ideas' as quite a lot of people come to this site for, such a structure might be less preferable than your original GM bullet point lists. Go to Comment