Like Axle and Strolen, I'm impressed with the backstory but then somehow the sub ran out of steam when it actual got to talking about the SoDs (which is only one paragraph long while the backstory is about 80% of the total length so I just found that sort of out of place). There are a lot of clarifications that you've made based on Axle and Strolen's comments and I don't have additional ones. Amongst these, the content that I would personally suggest that you add in for this particular sub is the following (that provides the motivation for these SoDs):
"the society revolves around slavery, capturing and selling slaves. Individual Scourges are like holy men, keeping the wild viking warriors focused through fear and religious fervor. They would be very intense personalities, unforgiving of failure or ineptitude, with no compassion whatsoever. They would strive to preserve their own lives but wouldn't fear death, they've seen far worse than death. The Devourer took entirely the wrong message from his time as a slave, weakness is inexcusable and the strong can take whatever they want."
btw, I think your writing is fine and even quite good in some aspects (the backstory is VERY engaging). I think you just need to work a little more on structuring your contents i.e. knowing what to include within the same sub and what details to put in an additional sub and then make links b/w subs. I think it will come with experience in the Citadel so don't worry.
Finally, welcome to the Citadel. Hope you enjoy your time here.
I must admit I'm a bit confused abt this piece and I don't know how to vote on it. While it claims to be a location piece, what I actually read is more about the Warens society. I mean, it's fine to include the inhabitants and their ways of life in a Location sub but if the entire sub is abt the inhabitants/societal topics, then I really wonder why it isn't posted under Society. Which brings me to my other comments: how do the Warens come about? what purposes do they serve? from the sub, it seems they are operating somehow independently from countries but if they are training ground for the "best soldiers" then I sort of question why some of them aren't just crushed by whichever neighbouring country (i.e. who would want a bunch of "best soldier" being trained right next to your border that are totally independent from you?). I think a backstory on how it all starts might address this. Go to Comment
I think this is a very solid and complete sub but like Axle before me, I'm finding that in general the matter-of-fact tone that the piece is written in makes it hard for me to engage with it (I understand why you chose to write it this way and I often do the same myself). Having said that, putting in blockquotes to spice the piece up has worked quite well, I really like the one abt the elves' raid though I'm a bit indifferent abt the one with the maid.
I think an additional one at the section where the tribes are brought into the World War might be good, just to show that amongst the humans, now there's a bit of divergence in attitude towards the 'barbarians' which is sort of implicit in the current version- I mean, my interpretation is that the two biggest powers still have very negative attitudes towards the tribes b/c of their proximity to the west and the tribes being a constant nuisance for them but really I would think the tribes would be some kind of phenomenon they knew abt but doesn't bother them for the rest of the human countries (the ones that started the World War).
On the positive, all the players are introduced clearly and Wilheln's plan comes across as feasible and well though out as if it was constructed through much deliberation as suited to the context. There are bits of the writing that I don't like, though, such as "This push-and-pull effect would have the desired effect" with the word "effect" appearing twice in one sentence. But despite such personal preferences over expression, I still think it a solid piece. Go to Comment
Maddux Systems (Geological/ Geographical)
Despite the numerous typos that I can spot, I really do think this particular format of writing up a NPC neat as it provides a very comprehensive picture of a character in a very succinct way. One thing though, I almost thought this will be a write-up of the Son of Saulke(?) since the opening blockquote was written in his voice and also the summary says "one of the movers and shakers" so I was picturing a NPC more grand than Sengur who is well-respected among the Warkra but only has the personal loyalty of 20 odd ppl. Go to Comment
Axle, I had promised to vote on this in exchange for your comment on my Fengshui (although I don't know whether you took notice or not). Anyway, finally I've finished reading this but I'm currently a bit torn over what score to give it- in particular, I'm choosing b/w 4.5 and a full score.
Onto the actual comments: I don't have any objections to the content and I love the 3 perspectives on history and esp. the opening blockquote. The idea of Warkra being a society incapable of hatred to me could possibly arise due to their living environment being resource-rich relative to their own population (prob. not the case here) or other things such as cultural belief that make them absolutely content with their current ways of life (I know, some ppl would start saying this is contrary to human nature which always chases after what it doesn't have but then in documentaries, sometimes you also see ppl living in less developed places and living a sort of hunt/forage life that are perfectly happy with their ways of living. And that's my personal take on these Warkra).
I do, however, have a slight issue with the formatting. As it currently stands, I find it ultra hard to read in one seating (and I actually read this piece bit by bit), esp. the History by Rachel 3rd. This is a length issue obviously but also, I think it will help improve the readability of the Rachel 3rd section if it was broken up a bit with blockquotes like the People's History of the Warkra Sea section. In addition, while I like the mythical feel of the tale of Saulke and Rachel's encounter with him, somewhat lacking is a more personal voice that will strengthen the atmosphere of this legendary encounter. Go to Comment
Sorry, Axle, couldn't vote full marks on this even though I was really tempted. My 5 are reserved for those that I deem perfection (i.e. wouldn't change a thing) or sweep me off my feet/keep my eyes glued at first sight. Nevertheless, this is still a high quality sub and adds great depth to the world of Decathros. In fact, now I will be eagerly following Decathros subs. Go to Comment
Okay, this is not my type of thing normally but I finished reading this piece as a result of doing proof-reading for the Strolenati ebook of horror. So I might as well come and seek this out. All I want to say about it is that at one point it really gave me the chills so good work. Go to Comment