Update: Just trying to kill two birds with one stone here-it's a very short sub for the Religion and Cults quest but then it belongs under the Short and Sweet challenge with 75 word count. Also, a companion stub to this sub on the Elementallion is coming up. Go to Comment
Yes, the hourglass is sideways. I'm not sure whether this comes thru clearly in the sub (I was operating with a 75 word limit) but it is really one of these optical illusion images (you know, young girl versus a hag) where you can interpret it as a butterfly, a bat or a sideways hourglass. Go to Comment
71. Started or been involved in a revolution
72. Unleashed an old terror/foreign (as in from outerspace, another dimension etc.) threat on the world
73. Survived a plague
74. Lived as a monk/priest
75. Rediscovered/pioneered a doomsday spell
76. Discovered an ancient ruin of extinct culture
77. Chased after the image in a compelling dream
78. Had been a spy in operation in foreign countries
79. Discovered about royal lineage and the ensuing attempt to reclaim the throne
80. Lived as a bounty hunter/man-for-hire
81. Lost memories and on the hunt for personal identity Go to Comment
First of all, welcome to the Citadel. I don't have any further comment to make since it has already been covered previously. All I would add is it if you add in the meanings of each name, then I would elevate my vote to a 3 because I do think this sub has its utility uses. Go to Comment
Like Axle and Strolen, I'm impressed with the backstory but then somehow the sub ran out of steam when it actual got to talking about the SoDs (which is only one paragraph long while the backstory is about 80% of the total length so I just found that sort of out of place). There are a lot of clarifications that you've made based on Axle and Strolen's comments and I don't have additional ones. Amongst these, the content that I would personally suggest that you add in for this particular sub is the following (that provides the motivation for these SoDs):
"the society revolves around slavery, capturing and selling slaves. Individual Scourges are like holy men, keeping the wild viking warriors focused through fear and religious fervor. They would be very intense personalities, unforgiving of failure or ineptitude, with no compassion whatsoever. They would strive to preserve their own lives but wouldn't fear death, they've seen far worse than death. The Devourer took entirely the wrong message from his time as a slave, weakness is inexcusable and the strong can take whatever they want."
btw, I think your writing is fine and even quite good in some aspects (the backstory is VERY engaging). I think you just need to work a little more on structuring your contents i.e. knowing what to include within the same sub and what details to put in an additional sub and then make links b/w subs. I think it will come with experience in the Citadel so don't worry.
Finally, welcome to the Citadel. Hope you enjoy your time here.
I must admit I'm a bit confused abt this piece and I don't know how to vote on it. While it claims to be a location piece, what I actually read is more about the Warens society. I mean, it's fine to include the inhabitants and their ways of life in a Location sub but if the entire sub is abt the inhabitants/societal topics, then I really wonder why it isn't posted under Society. Which brings me to my other comments: how do the Warens come about? what purposes do they serve? from the sub, it seems they are operating somehow independently from countries but if they are training ground for the "best soldiers" then I sort of question why some of them aren't just crushed by whichever neighbouring country (i.e. who would want a bunch of "best soldier" being trained right next to your border that are totally independent from you?). I think a backstory on how it all starts might address this. Go to Comment
I think this is a very solid and complete sub but like Axle before me, I'm finding that in general the matter-of-fact tone that the piece is written in makes it hard for me to engage with it (I understand why you chose to write it this way and I often do the same myself). Having said that, putting in blockquotes to spice the piece up has worked quite well, I really like the one abt the elves' raid though I'm a bit indifferent abt the one with the maid.
I think an additional one at the section where the tribes are brought into the World War might be good, just to show that amongst the humans, now there's a bit of divergence in attitude towards the 'barbarians' which is sort of implicit in the current version- I mean, my interpretation is that the two biggest powers still have very negative attitudes towards the tribes b/c of their proximity to the west and the tribes being a constant nuisance for them but really I would think the tribes would be some kind of phenomenon they knew abt but doesn't bother them for the rest of the human countries (the ones that started the World War).
On the positive, all the players are introduced clearly and Wilheln's plan comes across as feasible and well though out as if it was constructed through much deliberation as suited to the context. There are bits of the writing that I don't like, though, such as "This push-and-pull effect would have the desired effect" with the word "effect" appearing twice in one sentence. But despite such personal preferences over expression, I still think it a solid piece. Go to Comment
Maddux Systems (Geological/ Geographical)
Despite the numerous typos that I can spot, I really do think this particular format of writing up a NPC neat as it provides a very comprehensive picture of a character in a very succinct way. One thing though, I almost thought this will be a write-up of the Son of Saulke(?) since the opening blockquote was written in his voice and also the summary says "one of the movers and shakers" so I was picturing a NPC more grand than Sengur who is well-respected among the Warkra but only has the personal loyalty of 20 odd ppl. Go to Comment