I think this is a very solid and complete sub but like Axle before me, I'm finding that in general the matter-of-fact tone that the piece is written in makes it hard for me to engage with it (I understand why you chose to write it this way and I often do the same myself). Having said that, putting in blockquotes to spice the piece up has worked quite well, I really like the one abt the elves' raid though I'm a bit indifferent abt the one with the maid.
I think an additional one at the section where the tribes are brought into the World War might be good, just to show that amongst the humans, now there's a bit of divergence in attitude towards the 'barbarians' which is sort of implicit in the current version- I mean, my interpretation is that the two biggest powers still have very negative attitudes towards the tribes b/c of their proximity to the west and the tribes being a constant nuisance for them but really I would think the tribes would be some kind of phenomenon they knew abt but doesn't bother them for the rest of the human countries (the ones that started the World War).
On the positive, all the players are introduced clearly and Wilheln's plan comes across as feasible and well though out as if it was constructed through much deliberation as suited to the context. There are bits of the writing that I don't like, though, such as "This push-and-pull effect would have the desired effect" with the word "effect" appearing twice in one sentence. But despite such personal preferences over expression, I still think it a solid piece. Go to Comment
Maddux Systems (Geological/ Geographical)
Despite the numerous typos that I can spot, I really do think this particular format of writing up a NPC neat as it provides a very comprehensive picture of a character in a very succinct way. One thing though, I almost thought this will be a write-up of the Son of Saulke(?) since the opening blockquote was written in his voice and also the summary says "one of the movers and shakers" so I was picturing a NPC more grand than Sengur who is well-respected among the Warkra but only has the personal loyalty of 20 odd ppl. Go to Comment
Axle, I had promised to vote on this in exchange for your comment on my Fengshui (although I don't know whether you took notice or not). Anyway, finally I've finished reading this but I'm currently a bit torn over what score to give it- in particular, I'm choosing b/w 4.5 and a full score.
Onto the actual comments: I don't have any objections to the content and I love the 3 perspectives on history and esp. the opening blockquote. The idea of Warkra being a society incapable of hatred to me could possibly arise due to their living environment being resource-rich relative to their own population (prob. not the case here) or other things such as cultural belief that make them absolutely content with their current ways of life (I know, some ppl would start saying this is contrary to human nature which always chases after what it doesn't have but then in documentaries, sometimes you also see ppl living in less developed places and living a sort of hunt/forage life that are perfectly happy with their ways of living. And that's my personal take on these Warkra).
I do, however, have a slight issue with the formatting. As it currently stands, I find it ultra hard to read in one seating (and I actually read this piece bit by bit), esp. the History by Rachel 3rd. This is a length issue obviously but also, I think it will help improve the readability of the Rachel 3rd section if it was broken up a bit with blockquotes like the People's History of the Warkra Sea section. In addition, while I like the mythical feel of the tale of Saulke and Rachel's encounter with him, somewhat lacking is a more personal voice that will strengthen the atmosphere of this legendary encounter. Go to Comment
Sorry, Axle, couldn't vote full marks on this even though I was really tempted. My 5 are reserved for those that I deem perfection (i.e. wouldn't change a thing) or sweep me off my feet/keep my eyes glued at first sight. Nevertheless, this is still a high quality sub and adds great depth to the world of Decathros. In fact, now I will be eagerly following Decathros subs. Go to Comment
Okay, this is not my type of thing normally but I finished reading this piece as a result of doing proof-reading for the Strolenati ebook of horror. So I might as well come and seek this out. All I want to say about it is that at one point it really gave me the chills so good work. Go to Comment
Each passage is concise and beautiful in such conciseness. I also love the blockquotes of the plot hooks spanning off each wonder (Axle said I'm a gamer at heart and I think I should acknowledge that now, esp. since I'm now sorta semi-gamer). Go to Comment
Yep, understood what you were trying to do, just mentioning my own particular reader taste wrt the human truism aspects, not necessarily saying there should be more or less of them for this piece. On the diff. b/w spoken and written word, I'm referring to the characters' dialog, how this idea was expressed by Gorn.
I agree Kii's characterisation needs more work, still not quite sure why the Goddess thinks her soul so valuable even after the Goddess explained explicitly. For me, Kii comes out mostly as curious until the exchange at the very end with Gorn where she really hit the nail on the head. Dialogue, well, not an aspect that I really value in a fiction piece. I love beautiful prose and I love deep and meaningful life philosophies but I've as yet to come across dialogue in published novels that I love. Humorous dialogue I appreciate but loving is another matter entirely. Possibly one reason why I'm always inside Bortai's head and want to chop up conversation. Go to Comment