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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-12 09:08 PM
I agree that clarity is one major aspect that I need to work on in terms of writing, regardless of the form. I will look through my editing checklist once I finish this whole book and see that clarity is improved across the board. I was merely stating that I care a little less about the romance section here as author because I do not see romance as the main selling point of this book (or as author, I just don't care much about it.) Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-13 06:19 PM
Actually, the ambush ties into the overall arc of good vs evil in this story and going back over this Chap over the last week or so, I did realise that like you said, I’ve underplayed the significance of the loss of the two horses which just doesn’t sit well with this particular society. As for the lives, not sure how to work it into the story at this point (and I never thought about it either so I'm glad you raised it) but one of the Crunalan dogmas is “Do honour onto the blood of your kin and foe alike.” Part of what was meant in the latter part was that bloodshed is acceptable (and actually encouraged) in this society as long as certain aspects impinging on the concept of honour was observed.

Not sure about what you meant here by “reversing the Bride Test”.
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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-13 09:22 PM


It was the reverse part that I did not get but I think I've got it now, you are basically saying that it's the reverse since Bortai is chasing after Temujin now.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-16 09:12 PM


Thanks for this feedback, again very valuable to me. What I was attempting to do in scene 2 was to revive the sense of threat to the party after the lovers coming together in scene 1. (Then scene 1 of next Chap builds on this scene (or is meant to) and takes the conflict higher.) But ugh.... I will see how I could fix this scene on my 2nd draft for this book.



Yes, I'm trying to drop bits about their culture here and there, as much as possible (that's why I personally love fantasy at any rate). I've never read Moby Dick before or even heard about the Cup of Gold (but I can tell you I can never finish Treasure Island, not even the kids' version but then I was reading a Chinese translation so that's a contributing factor as well). I'm currently re-reading Lord of Rings to learn from this absolute fav or mine but yes, Moby Dick will now be on my reading list. Cup of Gold? I have to read the abstract to see if it interests me enough to pick it up. There're classics that I simply cannot abide.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-16 09:24 PM
I see, I did primary school back in HK and no required reading for us except actual textbook there.
Just read the abstract of Cup of Gold on Goodreads, not too off-putting. But then I borrow from local library and so can only get my hands on it if lib actually stocks it. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 3
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-09 10:41 PM


Update: whole Chap revised continuing from expansion of sub-plot starting from last scene of Chap 2.

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The Holy Hovercraft of The Ice Bears
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (World Wide)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-09 05:29 PM
Glad to be of service :P Go to Comment
The Holy Hovercraft of The Ice Bears
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (World Wide)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-09 05:10 PM
I see that this is the stub you were referring to in the chat the other day. The historical context here is intriguing to me but I am satisfied already by what was already put down. The title was a bit of a mismatch to actual content but then I'm fine with it as it is since it is the historical context section that is the sole interest for me (you know how I'm not a sci-fi person but what you put down under the actual crafts I can handle, any more and my brain would unravel :P) . Besides, I still don't know how changing title name with it being included in the permanent link really works.

Like Muro, I can well see that once you get down into the nitty-gritty of how this sect manages to hold this planet against all the others who want access to the mines and personages of note within the sect, you will have a full sub on your hands that this was just the beginning of. I don't see straight away how this sect is likely to be changed by their military control of this planet and the subsequent conflicts that arise (I always find evolution within a society more interesting than just the history of how it all started but that's personal taste). You might or might not wish to delve into this aspect. Go to Comment
The War Field
NPCs  (Minor)   (Agricultural)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-06 12:39 AM
Certainly an interesting piece that you have developed and very flavourful. It is interesting that you decided to put this under Characters instead of a Fiction piece though. For me, the strongest bit that comes out of this piece is not the characterisation but more the part about civilian agriculturists' attitude to war but it could be just me. Anyway, the characterisation is quite high quality given stated aim of the piece and Oekaki. Go to Comment
31 years IRL(33 ish!) of my Mysantia Campaign
Articles  (Campaign)   (Game Mastering)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-03 07:08 PM
As you requested, a comment but no actual vote. I skipped over some of the contents b/c some of the content is just too game-specific for a non-gamer for me but I read most of it.

Firstly, personally I am indifferent to whether this is a sub or a forum thread (on a theoretical level). I think the main reason of why you're getting a low score is because as it is, this sub appears to be in draft form like you are typing up your experience in stream-of-consciousness notes form and haven't tidied any of it up. If you don't feel like tidying it up at all, then it's prob. better in the forums. The actual content is fine as far as I could tell since this is your memoir and I can see that it is filled with a lot of information of personal gaming experience etc and has a logical structure talking thru how you first started and then going by chronological order of your progression.

In your subs so far, I find the formatting has always been a little less than what is to my liking. I know you capital all your titles but can you bold the headers and also put an extra line between sections? No big issue but just makes the subs more reader friendly. Not sure whether you work from Word or not but if you do, copy and pasting from Word to the Input Sub page still retains the formatting if you just have bolded headers and plain text. If you want to start looking at somewhat more advanced formatting (different sized headings, putting text in boxes, inserting a page break etc.), take a look at Strolen's CSS Demonstration sub accessible through the "I am Helping" link under the Library drop-down menu.
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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 10
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-01 06:48 PM
I might rewrite the last scene because it seemed a bit implausible that the ambushers did not come with their own mounts in this setting. Not sure whether characterisation is improving or not but I'm starting to think that it will be an endemic problem until I finish the whole book and let it cool down enough so that I can go over again and specifically re-write particular parts to add in characterisation. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 10
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-09 02:34 AM
What you mentioned about the romance bit and the possibility that she might not find such a dream match for her in the teenager Temujin as she had in the other dimension was interesting. I haven't thought of it at all even though it's quite logical. To be honest, I've always had an aversion for pure romance stories despite my gender so I guess I never thought of using their romance as an instrument to generate conflict (and also I guess at the end of the day, I'm all for happy endings and I feel that it's a little cruel to inflict a broken dream on Bortai after her experience in modern days).

As for taking votes seriously, I agree that sometimes I do not take 3s that well, thinking that it means that commenters think that I've written a mundane/mediocre sub but recently I've changed my mindset (after all, a 3 I gave to a sub isn't a bad score from my point of view, I'm still praising its content as solid, I'm just a little soft-hearted most of the time when I comment and when it comes my turn to be voted on, tend to have wishful thinking about people finding something more to give it a 3.5 rather than simple 3). However, I'm also genuinely interested in comments for themselves as well. Like you said, your thoughts on the underlying idea of the sub, how I developed the idea and other thoughts and feelings you have about it. I think those are the true gems of the Citadel and to have a lot of Only voted comments sometimes upset me. That happened to one of my other Dragon Empire sub and it practically gnawed on me until a comment from the other Moon (Mystic, not Hunter, too many Moons around the Citadel) soothed me.

Anyway, your comments have really helped me so far and now I truly feel that this book (as of current version saved in my PC) is getting more worthy of public consumption. Will be bugging Strolen to change sub names for me tomorrow so that I can release more Chaps that are currently sitting in my PC idle. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 9
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-31 05:50 PM
Here comes the twist that makes this unconventional fantasy. It somewhat rounds out the plot jumping issue pointed out by Axle back in Chap 6 by rounding out the two earliest conflicts although I must admit that rather than providing resolution, 'sniping them off at the bud' seems a more apt description of how their closure comes about. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 9
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-09 01:53 AM
Well, I wouldn't exactly phrase it like that, it's more like they see the sunset and the stars and they get reminded of their kinship and camaraderie together given that they are close-knit tribal society but in essence, you are not far-off. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 9
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-09 02:31 AM


Well, I did worry about the surprise turn upsetting my readers b/c it's too far out of line from what they expected of a simple old-school fantasy story as it seemed up to the last Chap. But for good or for bad, Bortai's backstory in terms of the inter-world jump or whatever you call it was there all along from the first conception of this book. I couldn't really get it out of the story and as I myself am and have always been a fan of pure old-school epic fantasy, I actually feel a bit weird writing such a story. But I persuaded myself that I'm using it to just learn about the craft of writing and essentially just muck around so this is the result so far.



btw, edited Chap 2 has come out with the last scene being swapped out to build up the amnesia plot more and I thought Bortai's characterisation came out more after this fix. Revised Chap 3 will contain 2 new scenes as well and I have finished with it pending small edit but I will have to bug Strolen to rename all Chapters from Chap 3 onwards to preserve our stream of correspondences before releasing it (else new readers will think us crazy to discuss things completely out of context).

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-02 06:33 PM
Crunalan terms glossary
Nergei- literally meaning "no name", a taboo name given to an orphan to ward off bad luck but also a name that carries with it stigma due to the way personal worth is assessed in the Crunalan society. Specifically, personal value is assessed first and foremost in terms of contribution to the family unit and then to the overall tribe. With teenagers and youths, it is especially the case that his/her personal worth is almost exclusively cast in terms of how far they help to advance the prosperity and status of his/her own family. Hence, given that the Crunalans are a superstitious people, the main situation facing orphans is that no family would want to take him/her in, thus by default making him/her an individual with little personal worth as assessed by his/her own society. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-05 11:45 PM
This is one of the few scenes that I added on-the-fly during writing and I think I vaguely had in my mind that this scene and the one after it happened somewhere in the interim between Bortai's escape and the last scene of the current Chap. Now that I think about it, it does happen before the events of the previous Chapter. I might have to reorganise these two scenes or make this more explicit for the readers. Thanks for catching it. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-05 11:47 PM


The 4 children in this scene are Bortai's younger siblings, Ogul and Sorai are friends of Chagan. Chagan's arms feeling like clay was just prosaic form of saying she feels languor (due to Bortai running away). Again, a scene that came to me on-the-fly, I will signpost to the readers that they are back at the Ontaggarit in my next edit.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-06 12:06 AM
That would be a complimentary way of saying it. I have often wondered whether the mention of time in the story makes actual sense or not (all the duration stuff like Bortai getting married in half a year and the war prep.) but I just have no idea. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-06 04:44 PM
I think most of the short scenes I wrote are those that I felt I was out of my elements (action scenes mostly) or just wrote up on-the-fly with unclear idea of content. I think both scene 1 and 2 are in the latter category although I'm somehow quite liking how scene 1 stops at a sort of cliffhanger and scene 2 I can live with. The sparring scene is definitely because I always get stuck when describing a fight, just the attempt to create a mental picture of the actual motions in a fight in my own head makes it whirl around in confusion. In the end, I said, "to hell with it, I'm not R.A Salvatore writing up the story of a blade user against the world." and this is the result. Go to Comment
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