The content of this sub is solid, the character and her surroundings have been fleshed out properly. But I find this sub a bit hard to read as it seems quite ‘jumbled’ in terms of how content flows from one aspect of this Queen from the next. Besides the HOOK section, there’s no headings and this sub would probably read better with more of them.
One final point is that I’m not sure whether you’ve already tidied up this sub or just expanded a character sheet into words (at one point I thought you had done the later from your first comment but now I’m not sure, anyway, I hope you do not find it offensive for I mean none). I think that might be why no one had ventured to comment but then it could be just inopportune timing that you’ve posted this sub in. Also, the fact that you wrote 3 comments yourself could be why as well. On the Citadel, getting 3 comments is already very good catch. Go to Comment
Good questions all. This is one of my work that has been held up for a long long time by Mathom that I finally get tired of and kicked out so there's bound to be some loose ends with it. Anyway, my answers are:
1. To tell the truth, I do not have a genuine answer for it as many of the wordings just come to me while I was finally settling down to finish this piece. Doing a logical extrapolation on this first aspect, one could take it that these sprites somehow have moments of lucidity during this Deep Slumber that provide chances for communication or else that while their active consciousness shuts down in the Deep Slumber, they have some kind of 'secondary consciousness' that is still active in a kind of fuzzy way (the mages might not be aware of this peculiarity of the sprites though) that is able to be communicated to.
2. To enter this hibernation state, the Sprite itself has to reach a certain threshold in terms of its own powess so this excludes the case of them forever hibernating. Go to Comment
A very versatile species for an acquatic setting and a good solid submission. I personally feel that this sub seems to lack somewhat in the exploration of the character of such a lifeform but then I did note that you said that they are supposed to be a diverse race and you were probably writing this up for game use rather than meta-game description. I guess I'm just measuring this sub. against the normal Val standard. Go to Comment
A neat idea, I agree that sometimes 100 words is way too short. While I normally use it strictly for my 'discarded' ideas, there are once or twice where I'm over by like a few words and then find it a headache to try to cut down to the word limit. For this, bonus 0.5 mark. Go to Comment
Excellent 30, covering a wide range of different terrain are unique in the sense that they could only have evolved in a fantasy setting. I simply love fantasy so how could I not love this sub? Go to Comment
Actually, I am aware of the nature of the Decathros challenge but it is true that I did not start reading this sub with the Decathros association in mind. My comment was basically written from my impression that the length of this sub was what Val had intended it to be and the fact that I'm fine with it in this particular instance. But yes, I can understand why others would expect more of this sub starting their reading experience from the Decathros angle. And in general I do think that more content in a sub would be of benefit to it rather than being detriment. In this particular case, I was just judging more on the basis of author positioning, I guess. Go to Comment
It would be helpful if you put up a link to 30 Reasons why Not Everyone is a Magic User so that ppl aren't contributing duplicates. I've tagged this in my fav folder and will try to contribute 1 or 2 items to the list but I need to know the original 30 reasons so that I'm not doubling up Go to Comment
A fully fleshed out character and I like the Personal Failing, Secret and Motivation sections. However, might like to do an once-over to check spelling etc. For example, the end of the first paragraph under Appearance of Impressions:
"Among the Ator women in social situations are expected to guide the conversation even if they don't offer much input....According to the Ator mores Ysra speaks when she should be quiet and is quiet when she should be speaking. If one were to watch with her interact with husband or close family privately, only then would they see her reveal any joy or pleasure in life."
The first sentence reads a little awkward. I'm not aware that "mores" is a word (2nd sentence but then if this is archaic form, then maybe it's okay). The first 'with' in the last sentence is a typo. Go to Comment