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The Return of the White Deer- Prologue
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-16 07:41 PM
Thanks, Axle, as always I appreciate your insightful and detailed comments. Firstly, let me clarify, I don't have a set word count, the 2000 thing is purely for the benefit of the royal vote exchange and also because so far, each of my Chapters tend to be under 2000 words.

I won't bother to go through on the clarity issues you picked up, I will try to get rid of them either today or tomorrow with a quick edit. However, I do want to clarify some aspects with Nergei. I'm not aware that I've created the impression that Yesegei think that Nergei has "all the potential". I was trying to convey that Yesegei approves of Nergei more than Borochu who, as you've said, is a bit 'empty-headed' and unseasoned but he still thinks that Borochu has room to grow (i.e. not hopeless). And I thought I rounded out things a bit when I mentioned that Yesegei nodded with approval at all three of them, no? I know as author, I personally like Nergei as a character way more than Borochu the 'muscle-man' so maybe that's what permeated this scene. As for what you guessed from the future development of Nergei as a character, well, yes, he would be turning from underdog to greatness (not as great as Temujin obviously) but there won't be rivalry between the three youths, they will remain buddies throughout.

In terms of geography, as I've currently written this book, it's all in later Chapters as the main chars travel across the Steppe but I will think about how I could do more with geography at earlier Chapters. Maybe start with one short passage of the Steppe and then gradually zooming into Temujin's tent or something.

Finally, what do you think of the starting passage? When I first wrote it, I meant it to create a sort of mysterious feel hoping to get readers' curiousity up but I think at the end, I might've gone a bit too far with it i.e. as the author, this place was getting so mysterious I was struggling for words when describing it. As currently stands, I think it's a bit lukewarm but will probably suffice. Agreed? Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Prologue
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-17 03:51 PM


Thanks, Axle, for the clarifications. Truth to tell, I'm writing each Chapter based upon the Chapter synopsis which roughly includes 2 events and from there I split the Chap into 2 or 3 scenes, brainstorm about them and then just write. So I admit bringing out conflict and such is not foremost on my mind unless it was inherent in the plot itself. I think when I wrote the Prologue, the only hook I planted to keep readers curious was the first passage. The passage about Temujin was just meant to bring out that there's a coming war and to introduce the guys in this story. So what you suggested here is certainly food for thought. I will reflect a bit over what you say here to build a draft 2 version of the Prologue.

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The Return of the White Deer- Prologue
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-17 03:52 PM
Good catch, Muro. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Prologue
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-29 04:38 PM


Update: Made an edit based on Axle's comment re: more tension and conflict in scene 2. Big thanks for the underdog idea that I've adopted partly and I think it does introduce more elements of conflict into the scene 2 plus it ties in with the current Chapter that I'm writing (Chap 13).

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The Return of the White Deer- Prologue
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-29 07:30 PM
What you said here is definitely true, that's why I don't really call this historical fiction at all. However, without giving the story away, I have to say that at this stage, this story somewhat hinges on the historical references because of a twist that will crop up in Chap 8 which I haven't yet released to the Citadel (because it's sort in 0.5 version form i.e. complete but I've since found that I will need to expand the content somewhat). That's why I've specifically labelled this as new-school fantasy which I don't even touch as a reader of English books but somehow this story cropped up into my head due to the influence of Chinese online novels that I had taken up to reading. Later on the track, I might actually do what you say and replace the historical bits altogether since I'm also a bit iffy about basing the story on half mangled history. It will take some work to accomplish though which I'm just feeling lazy to start right now, esp. given my focus is just to finish the first of the books in this series. Go to Comment
Why is Ireland such a Hotspot for Supernatural Activity?
Articles  (Campaign)   (Game Mastering)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-13 10:19 PM
I second Muro, I was wholly unexpected for the actual content of this sub. I'm a non-gamer but this sub seems to me to be campaign-specific (or so I deduced from the opening paragraph) so maybe some indication of this in the summary as well? Go to Comment
7 Things About Old School Gaming
Articles  (Humor/ Editorial)   (Gaming - In General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-28 04:43 PM
Given that I'm non-gamer, I'm probably not the best person to vote on this since I'm clearly not part of the targeted audience. Nevertheless, I did find it a solid article. Go to Comment
101 Player Character Quirks
Articles  (Character)   (Players)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-27 04:30 PM
First of all, welcome to Citadel. I find this list very useful as a resource that really quickens attempts to make a character unique. Anyway, personally I'm just into character quirks. Go to Comment
Swamps 101
Articles  (Regional)   (Swamp)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-25 12:25 AM
A very useful resource in general, so much that I actually thought it fitted better under the category of Articles. Go to Comment
Rats in the Basement
Dungeons  (Underground)   (Style)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-20 06:50 PM
Regardless of the theme of the current quest, this is just a very complete, structured but also very read-friendly sub. I cannot help but give this a 5. Go to Comment
The Legend of Still and Limbo
Systems  (Knowledge/Lore)   (General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-23 06:23 PM
Sorry, browser playing up again, will fix later in the day Go to Comment
The Legend of Still and Limbo
Systems  (Knowledge/Lore)   (General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-23 04:08 PM


The Lord and the Lady



The truth about the Lord and the Lady is much more complicated that all of the disparate lore ever circulated and recorded. The only aspect that those were correct on was that the Lord and the Lady did hold ‘dominion’ over the respective realms and that both were divine in nature. And yet, neither have memory on how the realms themselves come to be or how come to be residing and governing over Still and Limbo.



Old School truth about the circumstances of the Lord and the Lady:


The Lady faced a critical choice that her world hinged upon and moreover, it was a choice that she boded ill either way. Thus she willingly outcast herself in Still so that her world could go on existing in the status quo. Meanwhile, her time in Still was spent in deep contemplation on what action or whether any action she could feasibly take to mend this situation. She takes no actual heed of entries into and exits from Still.


The Lord had performed a deed that he deeply regretted. In his eternal life, this was driving him more and more beyond the edge of his Godly tolerance. Eventually, out of his strong wish to forget the past and himself, he inadvertently carved out Limbo in which he was as prisoner as the others who were drawn into Limbo. Limbo had a will of its own and it wished to release no one once it had laid its hands on them.


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The Legend of Still and Limbo
Systems  (Knowledge/Lore)   (General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-26 12:42 AM
I do take your point with the five senses experience. To be honest, I was originally going to put this under Locations but precisely because I couldn't really get this aspect right, I decided to cheat by putting it under Systems and thus leaving things vague.

Anyway, I haven't really figured it out for Still in terms of sensory experiences but for Limbo, I imagined that there would be a very gradual 'deadening' of the five senses associated with staying there besides what I wrote about the 'shrouded by nothing' feel upon entry.

Your suggestion of giving a view of the two places through the use of magic did give me a sort of preliminary idea. I will think about it for a few days and see whether I could expand this sub a little on this aspect. Go to Comment
The Legend of Still and Limbo
Systems  (Knowledge/Lore)   (General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-26 10:51 PM
Update: Fixed up sub as per Scras' suggestion Go to Comment
The Legend of Still and Limbo
Systems  (Knowledge/Lore)   (General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-04 05:57 PM
I agree with your assessment of the current state of this piece (as well as Val's) but this is really a half-formed idea that I pushed out ahead of time for the current quest. To be honest, I cannot quite decide on the underlying (meta) truth of the creation lore and there's still some feel of 'incompleteness' around what I've described of the two places themselves because they're still somewhat fuzzy in my own head. I tried to fix it up somewhat according to Scras' comment and that's why the Entry Lore section got expanded quite a bit but yeah, I need more inspiration to strike me before I could develop this idea further which isn't very forthcoming. Thanks for liking this though. If the whims takes me, I will come back to this one day. Go to Comment
The Legend of Still and Limbo
Systems  (Knowledge/Lore)   (General)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-06-07 08:07 PM
Wow, if you make either place inescapable, wouldn't it basically 'kill' the party? But anyway, a Citadel sub is fairly open-ended and can be adapted anyway the GM wishes. Anyway, glad that you liked the summary. As I mentioned above, this is really a sub that I pushed out ahead of time and the only 'juice' that has actually materialised seems to be the summary. The rest is still shrouded within a back corner of my mind. Go to Comment
30 Chinese Archaic Names
Articles  (Resource)   (Gaming - In General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-23 12:00 AM
Update: I know there are two formatting issues unpurged (unnecessarily bold words and extra blockquote) but my PC is playing up and I have no patience to keep jigging things. Anyway, I will be adding to this sub so I can always fix these later. Go to Comment
30 Chinese Archaic Names
Articles  (Resource)   (Gaming - In General)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-02-18 05:56 PM
Val, this has the incomplete tag because according to the original plan, I would still be adding a whole body of scrolls but well, as a Strolenati is wont to do, I got sidetracked by other projects. But yeah, now that the scrolls are delayed so much, I might as well ditch the Incomplete tag. Go to Comment
Moonlake's comment on 2015-03-13 01:54 AM
Firstly, I have to admit that I read this a bit ad-hoc with breaks in between and I don't know whether this skewed my score. I like how this story ends and yet it seems a little abrupt for me. What I meant by this was that I got too carried away for the Viking/pirate feel of Akribus throughout the story and I wasn't quite prepared when he turned freedom fighter at the end for the sake of his son and all those lore of the Sun and Moon (I like lore usually but here there's something about all those lore that feels a little off to me for unknown reason although rationally I don't have argument with them since they are part of the lore for the sword) Go to Comment
Myzrym
NPCs  (Major)   (Knowledge/Lore)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-24 11:46 PM
This reminds me very much of R.A. Salvatore's Drizzt books and a 4 for this solid sub very much in spirit of the current quest. Go to Comment
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