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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 14
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-02-13 12:33 AM
For the father-son pair, yes, those were roughly the type of effects that I'm shooting for, with the father being the more major threat of course. I know what you are saying with the new character introductions (and I'm certainly glad that you tell me about its impacts on the pace) but I don't know how to fix it yet. But I will definitely sleep on what you said.

The thing with Bortai always getting bored is basically an artefact of me trying to truncate small talk out of the conversation so I just made Bortai day-dream/reflect on other things whenever small talk comes up in the scene. But I will see whether I could edit out Nalan Khan's 'small talk' entirely when I do my editing later. Now I'm going ahead with the mantra of "no editing until after the whole book is finished" b/c going back to rewrite the earlier Chapters and keep doing 'edit-as-I-go' as well as writing up new Chaps nearly had me going schizo. So yep, completely reversed tact now.

The wrestling match is what I planned as the big conflict to end this encounter in the Neermu tribe so in that sense I thought winning for Temujin would be a resolution of this conflict. Besides, it is sort of important for Temujin to win b/c the dignity thing with wrestling being one of the three manly skills, in that sense important for Temujin's confidence and moral of the party.

Also, somehow your last paragraph has been truncated. Not sure what you were going to ask there. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 13
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-20 04:55 PM


The ambush is not forgotten, just hanging until a more proper place for it to have greater effect, that was the plan anyway. As for Execution, that's a whole different story....



This is also the last of the complete Chapters that I've written. I'm currently writing Chap 15, having skipped over the last scene of Chap 14. Please advise whether I should post up an incomplete Chap 14.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 13
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-24 07:32 PM


Ah, again you have hit the nail on the head. To be honest, I'm finding that I might have gotten Bortai's future wants a bit muddled. I've told you how I write by subconscious and at first as I wrote it Bortai just picture having another happy life with Temujin, that was back in Chap 9 when she first recovered her memories. Then in subsequent chapters as they 'adventure' together on the Steppe, Bortai had a vague sense that she wants to help with his unification of Mongols/Crunalans (I need to go back and read previous Chaps to confirm whether I got this across, I did not have character motivation really pegged down from section to section when I was planning for the book, character motivation in initial planning was one-liners in dot-point form supplanted with a 10 by 10 character grid, it seems that I've overplanned for events and plots and underplanned for characters). Now (as of end of Chap 15, I'm currently at the start of Chap 16 and a little stuck) I have Bortai a little torn over what she wants.



I will post up incomplete Chap 14 (I skipped over the last big action sequence b/c I felt I'm hopeless at action scenes in the first place and second b/c this crazy woman decided to write a big Mongolian wrestling scene totally out of her element so just procrastinating basically) shortly. Thinking that I will leave the skipped part for the end, found link to Mongolian wrestling match online but procrastinating and haven't watched it yet. Anyway, this wrestling sequence doesn't affect the story much, mostly character development for Temujin. I played with removing it entirely but after sketching out the events, plots and side-plots of this book on palm cards, decided to keep it as it is a good conflict scene. Just thought I will mention this.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 13
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-25 08:41 PM
In terms of action sequence, I think the problem is mostly self-perceived. As a person, I've forever had a problem with hand-feet coordination and in general anything to do with using my physical body as opposed to my brain. This seems to carry across to writing abt action sequences- whenever I have one coming up, I have a tendency to agonise/procrastinate over it.

Getting back to mini plot-arcs, I've put down "Have some resolved sub-plot arc rather than having a series of unresolved ones" as one of the editing priorities for 2nd draft. Unfortunately, as I've currently written it, next Chap would start another sub-plot arc with Nalan Khan (well, not him directly but...) that doesn't become resolved until later books (same with the thought-stone sub-plot that doesn't have full resolution until start of book 3). He's the minor villain that I PMed you about. The way I've written things, it's now a little hard to make a complete side-plot with him but there might be hope yet with the wrestling scene as you suggested. Anyway, there you go, crazy plotter again. I shouldn't have aimed to move this from a trilogy to a quintet. I think that's why I kept thinking up these side-plots with resolution miles away (or why they kept plopping into my head) cos that decision (expansion of book number) meant that I'm serious short on plot arcs (I only had the first book fully planned when I made the crazy decision to expand out from a trilogy structure).

Anyway, what's done is done. I will shortly release the next two Chaps and you can tell me your thoughts on how I could rescue this book from becoming a series of meandering unresolved side-plots. Go to Comment
Armor Restrictions Apply....Of Course
Articles  (Fiction)   (Game Mastering)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-21 05:16 PM
Saw the change and liked it. Will come back to vote a bit later. Go to Comment
Armor Restrictions Apply....Of Course
Articles  (Fiction)   (Game Mastering)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-22 01:00 AM
Now I can view this sub as falling more on the funny side, with the inaneness of Eugene coming across to me. Like you said, the section starting with his thoughts and action at being confronted with the demon just makes you think "what is this weirdo thinking and doing at this critical point?" and that at least is worthy of a laugh. Go to Comment
Armor Restrictions Apply....Of Course
Articles  (Fiction)   (Game Mastering)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-20 04:15 PM
I read this more or less after it first came out but I have trouble dealing with this as a silly sub and hence did not vote. Not sure whether this is b/c I'm a non-gamer but the joke seems lost on me (then again, I'm more of a serious minded person, I read everything as serious first until I spot the Silly freetext). I thought the funny part is the devil wants his own paladin bit but then it would appear to me that that's more of a satire as opposed to joke. Can Axle clarify this for me?

What Crux (or do you prefer CF?) pointed out with the disjointed narration I detect as well though it bothered me less. In fact, I read this as 3 separate sections: first section that has nothing to do with pic, 2nd section that is all from pic and ending that jumped ahead in time. I don't mind the loose connection b/w 1st and 2nd section that much as it's often endemic to these art inspired writings but I do find the ending a little abrupt. Then again, I think small changes to formatting (either extra line b/w second last and last paragraph or inserting a line break (the syntax is {hr} where { is replaced by <) would fix this issue.
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Armor Restrictions Apply....Of Course
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Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-21 01:39 AM
After reading the alternate intros, I do prefer either of them to the existing one. Of the three things you had wanted to convey, I would say that the first purpose was only partly fulfilled (in fact, I did not form the impression that Eugene was arrogant/self-diluted in this sub but failure in other realms of life was fairly explicit). Point 2 also... well, ranged from being half-way done to somewhat more than half depending on how you look at it. The fact that Eugene is an adult and the fact that he consults his mother for permission came across of course. However, I did not really put the two together as throwing light on Eugene's character in the way you aimed for. So the only point that came out very well for me was point 3 with very concrete nailing down of time and place (modern day Oklahama, a church). The real problem with the first paragraph as I see it is possibly that too much stuff packed into too brief a paragraph b/c besides these 3 things you singled out, you also introduce a hook to the demon appearance through mentioning the association of D&D to the devil.

Now take alternate intro 1: first point abt Eugene being self-diluted fully conveyed, I don't think the contrast of failure in other aspects of his life would add value if added here. Same with point 2, I don't think losing the immature mindset relative to physical age is really a loss in characterisation. Pt 3, this moves away from the concrete naming of actual location but the element of a modern day setting and a church are still intact.

Intro 2, like Intro 1, ticks all 3 boxes in terms of what you want to convey (the only loss here is the church setting but you can always introduce it in next paragraph). I also prefer it to intro 1 because I feel that the analogy of Eugene's mind as a house waiting to be bought is more intriguing and better able to draw readers in. But that's me. Others may prefer intro 1 for its simple efficiency. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 12
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Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-16 08:15 PM
Update: probably will rewrite last scene to draw out more Crunalan society at a later stage Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 12
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-16 10:52 PM
Actually, everywhere in this book I was trying to use an all-seeing perspective (because I have loads of side characters having side-plots of their own) although I know mostly it feels like I'm only using third person perspective because usually in a given scene I focus on taking readers into one particular person's head. I'm very new to this all-seeing perspective but chose it because in a false start semi fan-fic I tried earlier, I found it a little cumbersome to have to basically write the same scene twice from different perspectives so I chose this all-seeing perspective thing. So yeah, I do find I have difficulty with this zooming in and out of diff char business that comes with this more complex writing perspective.

Also, Borokhula came purely on-the-fly. He was the only one that I had not made a character grid for but on that day, I just wrote and let whatever inside my head turn into words and ta ta he fell. I'm quite pleased with him too. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 12
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-16 11:01 PM
Yes, leaving out the actual thought message was deliberate, trying to tease readers a little with the tone of the message but not the actual content.

This all-seeing perspective (or my poor execution of it) is again the culprit here. As to the fact that Bortai should be wiser, it is in the back of my mind but well, I always lose a lot of these things when translating thought to words on paper. It's good that you point this out though so that I know.

Didn't know that about the tents being paper-thin, thanks for pointing it out, I will see how to fix it in the next draft.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 12
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Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-17 05:20 PM


Thanks Axle, I didn't mean that I will avoid the all-seeing perspective, merely stating that I think that I have do more work on this area to make it have the effect it should have. I don't see you as "picky" at all, I actually want my readers to be "picky". That's why I posted here as opposed to one of these places like Wattpad or Booksie (haven't interacted with the community there yet but seems like platforms where massive amt of fiction is posted and everyone can subscribe and read so I'm thinking the readers won't be as picky. I read Internet fic in my native tongue and I know they are quite low quality on average but I didn't mind so much cos just entertainment value).



What you said about the spotlight is very apt description of the current trouble I have with this perspective- part of it is my stream-of-consciousness writing habit and I find it's hard to get this spotlight thingy right for a newbie like me without putting conscious thought into this aspect. Also, when I do my edits later, I'm very good at picking out spelling and grammar mistakes and small non-clarities but not any big thing like your feedback is providing me. I really need time to chill down so that I can switch mindset to perform a quality review of my own work. So yes, this moving b/w character perspectives will definitely go into my checklist for priority aspect to fix for the second draft.

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Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-16 03:23 AM
This Chapter, esp. the bell curve bit, hits my amused button so much that I failed to see anything major to change. Good work. Go to Comment
Hobbit Chair and Eat Racing
Systems  (Societal/ Cultural)   (Specific)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-15 05:42 PM
+0.5 for being part of the Freetext Friday and like Muro said, just cute and a "ready-to-drop" element for the Shire. Go to Comment
The Broken Peace
Plots  (Discovery)   (Single-Storyline)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-02-15 12:08 AM
I like the premise of this sub where the PCs get a chance to find out about the misconception about goblins are driving actions that are actually not benevolent but they thought were. Go to Comment
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-15 05:09 PM
*jumps into the conversation upon hearing own name* Well, I never thought about the voting business because I posted in such a way purely because I myself have an aversion to reading works of length on the site so I posted in Chapters format for easy reading.

I'm yet to read the Earth part (spent whole of yesterday practically in chat). Axle, you sure that the jumbled dialogue is intentional as opposed to the product of this being a Drunken Guild sub? :P Go to Comment
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-15 05:39 PM
Okay, just finished. The intentionally odd dialogue wasn't so bad overall but at the start it wasn't clear to me that Emily spoke that way because of the Serimax (I originally thought it was just a med for your nerves as opposed to sth like the dope that could get you high) and so I thought that was just a product of this being a Oekaki thing that seems to be your normal mode of operation.

I like the action packed start and the odd bit there indicating Emily was high on sth. Sci-fi normally isn't my thing but this so far I can handle (why I can't handle sci fi usually is b/c of drawn out explanations of how all the awesome tech works, they flow over my head and I just cannot comprehend).

Nothing much to fix in my opinion except regarding clarity in the early part of Emily's odd speech and the question marks currently missing across the board (very consistent behaviour for someone drunk :P). Go to Comment
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-15 05:46 PM
Well, I'm one crazy person that never subscribed to this rule so didn't know how many like me are there :P Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-10 05:42 PM
Update: Still a draft 1 version but one already been through 2 once-overs. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-12 12:27 AM
"She had told all to him, again withholding the parts too out-of-place...."
Here I meant that she did not tell Temujin the bits about her coming from another world, only about her amnesia and the Bride Test. Clarified wording to make this clear.

Well, I sort of left it vague but in my mind, they only kissed on the night described in scene 1.

In my current plans, this dimensional jumping business will pretty much end here in the sense of how it occurred etc. will not be explained until the very end (but it was definitely not planned). The only place where it will come on popping up is in Bortai's thoughts and her value judgments.
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