Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Flowers Of Innocence
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (City/ Ruin)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-06 06:54 PM
Ah I see, I saw the freetext but I wasn't in the Citadel when Scras threw up his sub on Oekaki so I had no idea abt it being a challenge at all. But now that you've explained it, I think you have done very well given the context. Therefore, I will now be revising my vote accordingly. Go to Comment
Flowers Of Innocence
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (City/ Ruin)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-06 07:01 PM
A revote based on understanding of Oekaki, which was previously not accounted for. While I remain of the same opinion of the logic of the flower, I'm opting for a high score because I really appreciate the nature of the Oekaki challenge (and so I'm downgrading the point penalties on the logic part of the sub). Go to Comment
30 Devils
Plots  (Crisis)   (Single-Storyline)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-04 06:43 AM
I don't think so because the hyperlink to the sub is attached to the original title you create the sub in. Well, of course, if you are somehow really desperate to change the name, you can PM Strolen but in this case, I wouldn't worry abt it as there are plenty of subs here that are titled 30 something and never reaches it. Besides, if you are here on Strolens for the long term (as you seem to be), then you can always make it reach 30 by bumping this sub even when you run out of ideas on this one. But if you're thinking of doing more than 30 here, I personally advise against it. Given the amount of details you go into each devil, I just think ppl might go insane if they see more than 30 entries on this sub. You can always submit another sub titled 30 More Devils or sth if you can more inspiration. Go to Comment
30 Devils
Plots  (Crisis)   (Single-Storyline)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-04 02:18 AM
Though quite early for the 30 tag yet, what's here are fairly fleshed out and of high quality. I especially like no 2 and 3.

A few typos with the first devil, though: typical (in 1st line) spelled wrong, 'his' typed twice (2nd paragraph, 1st line), omission of the word "to" (last paragraph, line 4) Go to Comment
Elementallion
Plots  (Crisis)   (Campaign)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-06 06:05 PM
The elements of magic are meta components of magic (your analogy of magical vitamins and minerals).
When a creature is 'elementalised', I picture it as some kind of mutation/monsterisation going on mostly so yeah, your house cat becoming Pokemon example would fit right in. Go to Comment
Finding The Kings Arms
Plots  (Crisis)   (Single-Storyline)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-06 03:03 AM
Ah, I see, that point didn't detract from the quality of the sub but just got me puzzled a little. Thanks for the upvote. Go to Comment
Finding The Kings Arms
Plots  (Crisis)   (Single-Storyline)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-04 02:35 AM
The twists and further twists are quite nice but the following wording relating to the pacifist shaman is unclear to me: "the king refused to ....access to the ceremony". What ceremony? the King's birthday party? Go to Comment
The Oracle Of Ein
Locations  (Other)   (Any)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-02 03:54 AM
Update: Just trying to kill two birds with one stone here-it's a very short sub for the Religion and Cults quest but then it belongs under the Short and Sweet challenge with 75 word count. Also, a companion stub to this sub on the Elementallion is coming up. Go to Comment
The Oracle Of Ein
Locations  (Other)   (Any)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-02 07:04 PM
Yes, the hourglass is sideways. I'm not sure whether this comes thru clearly in the sub (I was operating with a 75 word limit) but it is really one of these optical illusion images (you know, young girl versus a hag) where you can interpret it as a butterfly, a bat or a sideways hourglass. Go to Comment
The Oracle Of Ein
Locations  (Other)   (Any)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-02 07:05 PM
This was really meant for Muro's Short and Sweet which has an even shorter word count but I see what you mean so I've added the freetext now. Go to Comment
Volguloi
Plots  (Crisis)   (Single-Storyline)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-01 09:05 PM
A very engaging piece based on a novel concept and good writing. Go to Comment
Halan Of Gimirrai
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-12 03:30 AM
A decent piece of work. One little nitpick-I wish you had flagged abt the existence of a Magic section when u first mentioned Soul Reaving but I didn't deduct any marks b/c of this. Go to Comment
Npc History Generator
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Political)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-03 10:58 PM
71. Started or been involved in a revolution
72. Unleashed an old terror/foreign (as in from outerspace, another dimension etc.) threat on the world
73. Survived a plague
74. Lived as a monk/priest
75. Rediscovered/pioneered a doomsday spell
76. Discovered an ancient ruin of extinct culture
77. Chased after the image in a compelling dream
78. Had been a spy in operation in foreign countries
79. Discovered about royal lineage and the ensuing attempt to reclaim the throne
80. Lived as a bounty hunter/man-for-hire
81. Lost memories and on the hunt for personal identity
Go to Comment
Gypsy Names
Plots  (Crisis)   (Single-Storyline)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-06 07:55 PM
First of all, welcome to the Citadel. I don't have any further comment to make since it has already been covered previously. All I would add is it if you add in the meanings of each name, then I would elevate my vote to a 3 because I do think this sub has its utility uses. Go to Comment
30 Wandering Teenagers
Plots  (Crisis)   (Single-Storyline)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-06 08:08 PM
A fairly sold sub for a 30 list, nothing that makes your eyes light up but highly useable if you want a bunch of teenagers to throw in. Go to Comment
Scourge of the Devourer
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (Regional)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-06 02:29 AM
Like Axle and Strolen, I'm impressed with the backstory but then somehow the sub ran out of steam when it actual got to talking about the SoDs (which is only one paragraph long while the backstory is about 80% of the total length so I just found that sort of out of place). There are a lot of clarifications that you've made based on Axle and Strolen's comments and I don't have additional ones. Amongst these, the content that I would personally suggest that you add in for this particular sub is the following (that provides the motivation for these SoDs):
"the society revolves around slavery, capturing and selling slaves. Individual Scourges are like holy men, keeping the wild viking warriors focused through fear and religious fervor. They would be very intense personalities, unforgiving of failure or ineptitude, with no compassion whatsoever. They would strive to preserve their own lives but wouldn't fear death, they've seen far worse than death. The Devourer took entirely the wrong message from his time as a slave, weakness is inexcusable and the strong can take whatever they want." 

btw, I think your writing is fine and even quite good in some aspects (the backstory is VERY engaging). I think you just need to work a little more on structuring your contents i.e. knowing what to include within the same sub and what details to put in an additional sub and then make links b/w subs. I think it will come with experience in the Citadel so don't worry.

Finally, welcome to the Citadel. Hope you enjoy your time here. 
Go to Comment
The Warens
Locations  (Other)   (Any)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-11 02:02 AM
I must admit I'm a bit confused abt this piece and I don't know how to vote on it. While it claims to be a location piece, what I actually read is more about the Warens society. I mean, it's fine to include the inhabitants and their ways of life in a Location sub but if the entire sub is abt the inhabitants/societal topics, then I really wonder why it isn't posted under Society. Which brings me to my other comments: how do the Warens come about? what purposes do they serve? from the sub, it seems they are operating somehow independently from countries but if they are training ground for the "best soldiers" then I sort of question why some of them aren't just crushed by whichever neighbouring country (i.e. who would want a bunch of "best soldier" being trained right next to your border that are totally independent from you?). I think a backstory on how it all starts might address this. Go to Comment
The Players Cult
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (World Wide)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-13 02:27 AM
Amazing execution of a seemingly silly (or satirical) idea. Go to Comment
The History of Atheus
Articles  (Setting Building)   (Game Mastering)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-09 09:07 PM
I think this is a very solid and complete sub but like Axle before me, I'm finding that in general the matter-of-fact tone that the piece is written in makes it hard for me to engage with it (I understand why you chose to write it this way and I often do the same myself). Having said that, putting in blockquotes to spice the piece up has worked quite well, I really like the one abt the elves' raid though I'm a bit indifferent abt the one with the maid. 

I think an additional one at the section where the tribes are brought into the World War might be good, just to show that amongst the humans, now there's a bit of divergence in attitude towards the 'barbarians' which is sort of implicit in the current version- I mean, my interpretation is that the two biggest powers still have very negative attitudes towards the tribes b/c of their proximity to the west and the tribes being a constant nuisance for them but really I would think the tribes would be some kind of phenomenon they knew abt but doesn't bother them for the rest of the human countries (the ones that started the World War).
Go to Comment
Atheus
Locations  (Continent)   (Any)
Moonlake's comment on 2013-05-08 08:31 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
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