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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 2
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Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-07 01:47 AM


Update: Replaced scene 2 as noted in comment above. Also touched up Koka's recollection passage in terms of clarity.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 2
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Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-07 01:48 AM
Crunalan terms glossary:
temul - an affectionate term to describe someone or a creature that is free-spirited, sometimes so much so as to cause troubles. In fact, it originated from description of the look in a horse’s eyes, that encapsulates his will to run where he pleases despite of the will of his rider (note: a real Mongolian vocab. with similar meaning).
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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 1
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-15 12:49 AM


As with the Prologue, mainly looking for feedback on whether it's interesting enough to read on plus whether fantasy elements come out okay. Looking for 10+ feedback and PM buddy for brainstorming plots for later books.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 1
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-18 11:32 PM
That was what I was scared of- the one she looked at with longing is her father but I cannot find a synonym that doesn't have the same sexual connotation as "longing" so I stick with it (in fact, that's already the most neutral word that came to my mind). There's only one male adult in the group which is the father. But I can see where the reader could be led to think that there's two men there. I will edit to make this more clear. I'm currently giving this another edit anyway and I've already marked down numerous sentences that reads a bit odd. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 1
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-19 01:23 AM
Thanks for the input, Axle. This comment of yours and the idea above really helps. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 1
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Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-02 02:39 AM
Minor update to clarify Bortai's feelings to her family upon waking up and why she was so 'hungry' to see her father. btw, Axle, your scroll idea on fog on the Steppe was so good that while I did not make use of it here, it would be a minor adventure for the party in Book 2 in its own right. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 1
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Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-02 04:48 PM


Update: Minor addition to touch more upon Bortai's journey of self re-discovery. Added still more to bring in Bortai's friends more but might have been a tad too more, bordering on being a Women Weekly article sort of feel (not that I actually read such things so I'm speaking purely from what I personally association with it).

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 1
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Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-06 03:10 PM
Actually, this is sort of what I'm in the process of doing now. I inserted a new scene 2 in Chap 2 that replaced the existing one in which Bortai and Koka go through some of the stuff about the Sister of Magul business that I haven't covered previously and I inserted a few lines on how Bortai's feelings for Aunt Koka changed so that it's not as abrupt as you previously noted. This is the first of 3 new scenes that I'm inserting.

I'm also introducing a side-plot for Koka in this series of new scenes which I sort of hinted at in this current version but might have been too subtle for readers to actually pick up (I told you I'm a side-plot maniac, I don't know how you as reader will like it but I did say I picked this story to muck around with so let's see how it turns out, you can always tell me that you don't like it and I will see how to deal with it in my next edit). Overall, I do envisage Koka to be an important personage in Bortai's life but plot-wise so far, she is more like a 'guest appearance'. It's not until book 5 that she really came out in her side-plot (I seriously don't know what's wrong with me but I already have 2ish long plot arcs including this one that consists of a hint planted in book 1 and the actual plot coming up in book 3 or even later). Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 1
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Moonlake's comment on 2015-01-11 08:15 PM


I had no idea who Tanith Lee is but after looking up her Wiki entry, my take was a dumb-down version of the style of Lord of the Rings (not that I'm comparing what I wrote with that timeless masterpiece but I will be honest to say that I've been re-reading the series and jotting down notes about it but I haven't consciously mimicked Tolkien's style. I write on what I call a stream-of-consciousness basis anyway so that prevents any conscious mimicking).



Anyway, thanks for the vote and comment. I'm pretty sure a major re-write will come some way down the track but probably not soon. However, I will keep you informed once I do make one. btw, there's a Prologue to this book that you seemed to have skipped over but then you jumping straight into Chap 1 doesn't really matter in terms of understanding the flow of events.

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The Return of the White Deer- Prologue
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-13 08:24 PM


I just saw the typo in the title but I can't fix it because the titled name is wrapped up with the URL so I just pmed Strolen to fix it for me.



Yes, as I made clear in the summary, this is the Prologue of a novel that I'm trying to write (I've currently gone through the half way mark). The story itself is some kind of mock historical fiction with the protagonists being Temujin and his first wife Bortai (which is normally spelt differently, I made up this spelling myself using how her name is written out in Chinese). However, their stories have been so mangled up by me that I just call it fantasy. The whole series will span over the period that Temujin is trying to unite all Mongolian/Crunalan tribes under his own banner (although this is a five book series and I have only the plot of the first book fully fleshed out) so as to how far my story would depart from real history, I cannot tell at this stage. In this first book, it concentrates more on Bortai while Temujin is more the focus on the second book, I think.

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The Return of the White Deer- Prologue
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-15 12:46 AM


For this Prologue, mainly looking for feedback on whether it is interesting enough to draw people to read on. Also, the first passage is sort of getting out of my hand and after I'm done with it, I feel like it's sort of lukewarm but will suffice. Wondering what other people think of it. Looking for 10+ feedback and if anyone is interested enough in this five-book series to be brainstorming with me over PMs on plots for later books

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The Return of the White Deer- Prologue
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-16 07:41 PM
Thanks, Axle, as always I appreciate your insightful and detailed comments. Firstly, let me clarify, I don't have a set word count, the 2000 thing is purely for the benefit of the royal vote exchange and also because so far, each of my Chapters tend to be under 2000 words.

I won't bother to go through on the clarity issues you picked up, I will try to get rid of them either today or tomorrow with a quick edit. However, I do want to clarify some aspects with Nergei. I'm not aware that I've created the impression that Yesegei think that Nergei has "all the potential". I was trying to convey that Yesegei approves of Nergei more than Borochu who, as you've said, is a bit 'empty-headed' and unseasoned but he still thinks that Borochu has room to grow (i.e. not hopeless). And I thought I rounded out things a bit when I mentioned that Yesegei nodded with approval at all three of them, no? I know as author, I personally like Nergei as a character way more than Borochu the 'muscle-man' so maybe that's what permeated this scene. As for what you guessed from the future development of Nergei as a character, well, yes, he would be turning from underdog to greatness (not as great as Temujin obviously) but there won't be rivalry between the three youths, they will remain buddies throughout.

In terms of geography, as I've currently written this book, it's all in later Chapters as the main chars travel across the Steppe but I will think about how I could do more with geography at earlier Chapters. Maybe start with one short passage of the Steppe and then gradually zooming into Temujin's tent or something.

Finally, what do you think of the starting passage? When I first wrote it, I meant it to create a sort of mysterious feel hoping to get readers' curiousity up but I think at the end, I might've gone a bit too far with it i.e. as the author, this place was getting so mysterious I was struggling for words when describing it. As currently stands, I think it's a bit lukewarm but will probably suffice. Agreed? Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Prologue
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-17 03:51 PM


Thanks, Axle, for the clarifications. Truth to tell, I'm writing each Chapter based upon the Chapter synopsis which roughly includes 2 events and from there I split the Chap into 2 or 3 scenes, brainstorm about them and then just write. So I admit bringing out conflict and such is not foremost on my mind unless it was inherent in the plot itself. I think when I wrote the Prologue, the only hook I planted to keep readers curious was the first passage. The passage about Temujin was just meant to bring out that there's a coming war and to introduce the guys in this story. So what you suggested here is certainly food for thought. I will reflect a bit over what you say here to build a draft 2 version of the Prologue.

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The Return of the White Deer- Prologue
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-17 03:52 PM
Good catch, Muro. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Prologue
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-29 04:38 PM


Update: Made an edit based on Axle's comment re: more tension and conflict in scene 2. Big thanks for the underdog idea that I've adopted partly and I think it does introduce more elements of conflict into the scene 2 plus it ties in with the current Chapter that I'm writing (Chap 13).

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The Return of the White Deer- Prologue
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-29 07:30 PM
What you said here is definitely true, that's why I don't really call this historical fiction at all. However, without giving the story away, I have to say that at this stage, this story somewhat hinges on the historical references because of a twist that will crop up in Chap 8 which I haven't yet released to the Citadel (because it's sort in 0.5 version form i.e. complete but I've since found that I will need to expand the content somewhat). That's why I've specifically labelled this as new-school fantasy which I don't even touch as a reader of English books but somehow this story cropped up into my head due to the influence of Chinese online novels that I had taken up to reading. Later on the track, I might actually do what you say and replace the historical bits altogether since I'm also a bit iffy about basing the story on half mangled history. It will take some work to accomplish though which I'm just feeling lazy to start right now, esp. given my focus is just to finish the first of the books in this series. Go to Comment
Why is Ireland such a Hotspot for Supernatural Activity?
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-13 10:19 PM
I second Muro, I was wholly unexpected for the actual content of this sub. I'm a non-gamer but this sub seems to me to be campaign-specific (or so I deduced from the opening paragraph) so maybe some indication of this in the summary as well? Go to Comment
7 Things About Old School Gaming
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-28 04:43 PM
Given that I'm non-gamer, I'm probably not the best person to vote on this since I'm clearly not part of the targeted audience. Nevertheless, I did find it a solid article. Go to Comment
101 Player Character Quirks
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Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-27 04:30 PM
First of all, welcome to Citadel. I find this list very useful as a resource that really quickens attempts to make a character unique. Anyway, personally I'm just into character quirks. Go to Comment
Swamps 101
Articles  (Regional)   (Swamp)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-25 12:25 AM
A very useful resource in general, so much that I actually thought it fitted better under the category of Articles. Go to Comment
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