Strolen\s Citadel content. 
27/30 Bad Things about Treasure
Articles  (Humor/ Editorial)   (Gaming - In General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-14 11:41 PM
A nice sub for bringing a bunch of older subs to light again. Haven't finished with this sub, will come back to vote later. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 1
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-14 11:49 PM


As with the Prologue, mainly looking for feedback on whether it's interesting enough to read on plus whether fantasy elements come out okay. Looking for 10+ feedback and PM buddy for brainstorming plots for later books.

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The Return of the White Deer- Prologue
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-13 07:24 PM


I just saw the typo in the title but I can't fix it because the titled name is wrapped up with the URL so I just pmed Strolen to fix it for me.



Yes, as I made clear in the summary, this is the Prologue of a novel that I'm trying to write (I've currently gone through the half way mark). The story itself is some kind of mock historical fiction with the protagonists being Temujin and his first wife Bortai (which is normally spelt differently, I made up this spelling myself using how her name is written out in Chinese). However, their stories have been so mangled up by me that I just call it fantasy. The whole series will span over the period that Temujin is trying to unite all Mongolian/Crunalan tribes under his own banner (although this is a five book series and I have only the plot of the first book fully fleshed out) so as to how far my story would depart from real history, I cannot tell at this stage. In this first book, it concentrates more on Bortai while Temujin is more the focus on the second book, I think.

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The Return of the White Deer- Prologue
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-14 11:46 PM


For this Prologue, mainly looking for feedback on whether it is interesting enough to draw people to read on. Also, the first passage is sort of getting out of my hand and after I'm done with it, I feel like it's sort of lukewarm but will suffice. Wondering what other people think of it. Looking for 10+ feedback and if anyone is interested enough in this five-book series to be brainstorming with me over PMs on plots for later books

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The Return of the White Deer- Prologue
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-16 06:41 PM
Thanks, Axle, as always I appreciate your insightful and detailed comments. Firstly, let me clarify, I don't have a set word count, the 2000 thing is purely for the benefit of the royal vote exchange and also because so far, each of my Chapters tend to be under 2000 words.

I won't bother to go through on the clarity issues you picked up, I will try to get rid of them either today or tomorrow with a quick edit. However, I do want to clarify some aspects with Nergei. I'm not aware that I've created the impression that Yesegei think that Nergei has "all the potential". I was trying to convey that Yesegei approves of Nergei more than Borochu who, as you've said, is a bit 'empty-headed' and unseasoned but he still thinks that Borochu has room to grow (i.e. not hopeless). And I thought I rounded out things a bit when I mentioned that Yesegei nodded with approval at all three of them, no? I know as author, I personally like Nergei as a character way more than Borochu the 'muscle-man' so maybe that's what permeated this scene. As for what you guessed from the future development of Nergei as a character, well, yes, he would be turning from underdog to greatness (not as great as Temujin obviously) but there won't be rivalry between the three youths, they will remain buddies throughout.

In terms of geography, as I've currently written this book, it's all in later Chapters as the main chars travel across the Steppe but I will think about how I could do more with geography at earlier Chapters. Maybe start with one short passage of the Steppe and then gradually zooming into Temujin's tent or something.

Finally, what do you think of the starting passage? When I first wrote it, I meant it to create a sort of mysterious feel hoping to get readers' curiousity up but I think at the end, I might've gone a bit too far with it i.e. as the author, this place was getting so mysterious I was struggling for words when describing it. As currently stands, I think it's a bit lukewarm but will probably suffice. Agreed? Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Prologue
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-17 02:51 PM


Thanks, Axle, for the clarifications. Truth to tell, I'm writing each Chapter based upon the Chapter synopsis which roughly includes 2 events and from there I split the Chap into 2 or 3 scenes, brainstorm about them and then just write. So I admit bringing out conflict and such is not foremost on my mind unless it was inherent in the plot itself. I think when I wrote the Prologue, the only hook I planted to keep readers curious was the first passage. The passage about Temujin was just meant to bring out that there's a coming war and to introduce the guys in this story. So what you suggested here is certainly food for thought. I will reflect a bit over what you say here to build a draft 2 version of the Prologue.

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The Return of the White Deer- Prologue
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-17 02:52 PM
Good catch, Muro. Go to Comment
Why is Ireland such a Hotspot for Supernatural Activity?
Articles  (Campaign)   (Game Mastering)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-13 09:19 PM
I second Muro, I was wholly unexpected for the actual content of this sub. I'm a non-gamer but this sub seems to me to be campaign-specific (or so I deduced from the opening paragraph) so maybe some indication of this in the summary as well? Go to Comment
7 Things About Old School Gaming
Articles  (Humor/ Editorial)   (Gaming - In General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-28 03:43 PM
Given that I'm non-gamer, I'm probably not the best person to vote on this since I'm clearly not part of the targeted audience. Nevertheless, I did find it a solid article. Go to Comment
101 Player Character Quirks
Articles  (Character)   (Players)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-27 03:30 PM
First of all, welcome to Citadel. I find this list very useful as a resource that really quickens attempts to make a character unique. Anyway, personally I'm just into character quirks. Go to Comment
Swamps 101
Articles  (Regional)   (Swamp)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-24 11:25 PM
A very useful resource in general, so much that I actually thought it fitted better under the category of Articles. Go to Comment
The Legend of Still and Limbo
Systems  (Knowledge/Lore)   (General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-23 05:23 PM
Sorry, browser playing up again, will fix later in the day Go to Comment
The Legend of Still and Limbo
Systems  (Knowledge/Lore)   (General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-23 03:08 PM


The Lord and the Lady



The truth about the Lord and the Lady is much more complicated that all of the disparate lore ever circulated and recorded. The only aspect that those were correct on was that the Lord and the Lady did hold ‘dominion’ over the respective realms and that both were divine in nature. And yet, neither have memory on how the realms themselves come to be or how come to be residing and governing over Still and Limbo.



Old School truth about the circumstances of the Lord and the Lady:


The Lady faced a critical choice that her world hinged upon and moreover, it was a choice that she boded ill either way. Thus she willingly outcast herself in Still so that her world could go on existing in the status quo. Meanwhile, her time in Still was spent in deep contemplation on what action or whether any action she could feasibly take to mend this situation. She takes no actual heed of entries into and exits from Still.


The Lord had performed a deed that he deeply regretted. In his eternal life, this was driving him more and more beyond the edge of his Godly tolerance. Eventually, out of his strong wish to forget the past and himself, he inadvertently carved out Limbo in which he was as prisoner as the others who were drawn into Limbo. Limbo had a will of its own and it wished to release no one once it had laid its hands on them.


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The Legend of Still and Limbo
Systems  (Knowledge/Lore)   (General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-25 11:42 PM
I do take your point with the five senses experience. To be honest, I was originally going to put this under Locations but precisely because I couldn't really get this aspect right, I decided to cheat by putting it under Systems and thus leaving things vague.

Anyway, I haven't really figured it out for Still in terms of sensory experiences but for Limbo, I imagined that there would be a very gradual 'deadening' of the five senses associated with staying there besides what I wrote about the 'shrouded by nothing' feel upon entry.

Your suggestion of giving a view of the two places through the use of magic did give me a sort of preliminary idea. I will think about it for a few days and see whether I could expand this sub a little on this aspect. Go to Comment
The Legend of Still and Limbo
Systems  (Knowledge/Lore)   (General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-26 09:51 PM
Update: Fixed up sub as per Scras' suggestion Go to Comment
The Legend of Still and Limbo
Systems  (Knowledge/Lore)   (General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-12-04 04:57 PM
I agree with your assessment of the current state of this piece (as well as Val's) but this is really a half-formed idea that I pushed out ahead of time for the current quest. To be honest, I cannot quite decide on the underlying (meta) truth of the creation lore and there's still some feel of 'incompleteness' around what I've described of the two places themselves because they're still somewhat fuzzy in my own head. I tried to fix it up somewhat according to Scras' comment and that's why the Entry Lore section got expanded quite a bit but yeah, I need more inspiration to strike me before I could develop this idea further which isn't very forthcoming. Thanks for liking this though. If the whims takes me, I will come back to this one day. Go to Comment
30 Chinese Archaic Names
Articles  (Resource)   (Gaming - In General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-22 11:00 PM
Update: I know there are two formatting issues unpurged (unnecessarily bold words and extra blockquote) but my PC is playing up and I have no patience to keep jigging things. Anyway, I will be adding to this sub so I can always fix these later. Go to Comment
Myzrym
NPCs  (Major)   (Knowledge/Lore)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-24 10:46 PM
This reminds me very much of R.A. Salvatore's Drizzt books and a 4 for this solid sub very much in spirit of the current quest. Go to Comment
101 Chinese Modern names
Articles  (Resource)   (Gaming - In General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-10 11:14 PM
Well, I would say quite different although there are variations depending on regions as well. First of all, throughout the period classified as the Feudal Era, males of wealth or upper classes have three names (a little name that only family knows usually, an actual name for use in official documents etc. and a kind of ‘social name’ for friends and acquaintances to call him by) whereas for females, they might have the little name and an official name but socially, they are only referred to by their surnames (this might differ between dynasties but seems to be so for a long time). In modern days, everyone tend to have just one name (although some regions have the practice of giving babies ‘milk names’ regardless of gender eg. Shanghai). Then, there are differences in the types of characters used in naming. For example, a lot of commoner parents named their children as “a number plus a gender-specific appendage meaning guy/girl” In modern days, this practice has died out altogether since it probably evolved from the parents being illiterate. Also, in really ancient days (pre Tang dynasty), males’ official names (don’t sure about female since only a few have their full names recorded) tend to be shorter as in having only one character whereas for later periods that’s still before the Republic, there’s a split in there being both 1 character and 2 character names (social names, though, always contain 2 characters). In HK (Hong Kong) and Taiwan, most people have 2 characters in their names nowadays. In China, I think there’s higher proportions of 1 character names.

btw, I will be producing an archaic Chinese names list as an extension but it would take some time because of the three-names thing (and crazy woman wants to do more extensive entries rather than list form and eventually turn them into a new generator as well but obviously that would take a while).
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101 Chinese Modern names
Articles  (Resource)   (Gaming - In General)
Moonlake's comment on 2014-11-11 05:04 PM


I had to look up what you meant by the Five Elders. They were apparently all Buddhist monks or Taoist so except for one (Fung Dao Dak) who still maintained his own surname, the rest of them really went by their religious names which had no accompanying surname (Bak Mei for example meant 'white eyebrows' but I don't think his birth surname was the Chinese character for White). I was thinking of actual historical people in my answer. Also, when you talk about difference, I was thinking in terms of the character used etc (I agree that some characters crop up in both ancient and modern names such as Sin which meant goodness as opposed to evil, Dak which meant virtue etc. but there are also some used in modern names that would not appear in ancient days such as Yu which meant universe or Ao which meant pride- since modesty was considered a virtue in ancient times, it might be taken as a sign of arrogance to include it in a name whereas in modern days it would be taken to mean that the parents wish the child to grow up to be their pride. And like I said, a bunch of popular names for commoners then have died out in modern days) and the three-names aspect etc. But if by difference, you really mean how do they sound different? Then, I would say in general, little to no difference. What distinguishes the names across the two eras then would be in the subtle nuances underlying the names.

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