The fact that you mess with The Song and have some unpredictable effect, like sending them on a murderous rampage (or have them all drop asleep)?
Like they hang with Dragons?
Not everyone needs to live a depressing, horrid, life. You should leave that to Goths and WoD players.
It is all about the spin. They are aliens, or being enslaved by the song. Or they could be a human disease, slowling taking over "the land". People could be entranced by their song after long enough exposure... turning them from people into Singers. They could be innocent victims to be abused by people, echoing a native plight.
I normally leave the spin to others and what they want to use them for. Nobody should be telling anyone how they should use a sub, not even the author. Go to Comment
The edit function is being wonky right now:
Change the Intro to:
You can hear the song from miles away. The song is enchanting in a mild way. Even the plants sing this haunting tune all day. For this day, you dance a new dance, from your world to theirs. Go to Comment
I am sorry, I thought it was clear that the amount of damage was along the lines of two broadsword's worth of damage. Otherwise why would it be so wimpy against organic and instantly devastating against rocks/ trees?
No worries. I will think of an edit to make that clearer. Go to Comment
I like the submission in terms of its format and content.
There is a good history, adaptable to many settings, to utilize as is, or adapt to a new whole.
There is a strong political and social picture presented here. It is novel and has just enough detail.
It is a little to "Ideal", perhaps almost magically so. That grates on me a little. Aside, "Can you have a Mary Sue land?"
While I can see these men being stoid fighters, I wonder how they get to be "good fighters". There is no mention of regular militia training or Lairds running combats. Not every farmer used to be a hardened merc. So while they will be tough men, they won't be skilled fighters.
And I would lose the entire last paragraph. It adds nothing really and confuses the issue. I would replace it with plot hooks and/or more comments on the culture or how to play characters from the Lairdlands. Go to Comment
Actually it seems like a good idea. However, I think the writing was pretty below standard. The history is looks like you wrote three parts, then edited them together badly. The effects section is confusing. I would pull this one back into your working spot, and rework it. Go to Comment
I see that you saw ]Undead Economy.
Might I point out....X-Jacks. I would also suggest you read some of Issac Asimov's Robot Novels? These novels take place a millenium into the future, where humans have colonized 50 planets and invented robots. They chronicle the unlikely partnership between a New York City detective and a humanoid robot who must learn to work together. This is my favorite of the three main series mainly because of the relationship between the spacers (those sneaky bastards who colonized the galaxy) and the earthers (the wimps who stayed home). This series also demonstrates how Asimov is able to work within a given set of guidlines (the famous 3 laws of robotics) and yet forward fresh and exciting ideas. Plus, they are really some of his best books all around.
Robot Visions: A collection of short stories dealing with robots (this book has more stories than the original "I, Robot"). Not necessary to read, though some of the stories about Susan Calvin (robotics pioneer) are referenced as well as a good short story called Mirror Image that takes place between the Naked Sun and The Robots of Dawn (its a Elijah and Daneel mini-mystery).
The Caves of Steel: The first novel in the Robot Series has a standard murder mystery storyline in which a prominent spacer is murdered and a Earth detective is paired up with a humanoid robot to solve the mystery. This is where we first meet Elijah Baley and R. Daneel Olivaw (the R. standing for Robot).
The Naked Sun: The second novel again teams up Elijah Baley and R. Daneel Olivaw to solve another murder, this time on the spacer planet Solaria. I remember this novel as having great plays on the 3 laws of robotics (he had robots attempting murder!). A good follow up to Caves.
The Robots of Dawn: Yet another murder mystery on a spacer planet for Elijah and Daneel to solve. A little slow, but it has a great ending. Typical 'Asimov going over your head until the end where he ties everything together and you kick yourself' book.
Robots and Empire: The last of the Robot novels is not exactly a mystery, but it is still a highly entertaining novel that bears a great importance on the later series. Elija appears briefly, but his Spacer friend Gloria and his old partner, Daneel, are the main characters. A good ending to the series (watch out for those sneaky Solarians!).
All that aside, I see one problem.
I see where you are going with this. I see some of the value. However, most of us dismiss the DnD allignment orientation you are starting from here. We either don't play a game with allignments, don't play DnD, or deal with games with different social complexes.
There are lots of societies, and game settings, where necromancy is not evil, shunned, or bad. (In fact, most shamans do a lot of necromantic magic, just seldom animate the dead).
This said, you are going to have to set up this a bit more to make it useful. You are going to need to avoid the Generic Adventure Fantasy Cliches (i.e. D&D ones).
I like to keep them a secular organization that was religious roots. That keeps them out of the power struggles that religions and knightly organizations (like this one was) are always involved with or drawn into. Go to Comment