Normally, I am avoid commenting these days. But. But. ....
I find your execution a bit ... lacking.
If you are going to "borrow a plot" and a "setting" , you need to present it in a story/ description mode. If I didn't look up what you were talking about, I would of had no clue as to what was really going on. (You may or may not need to credit the original sources.)
You should of created a setting post. You should of created a separate post for the plot (and all the future plots).
You CAN NOT include game mechanics in your posts. I don't play the game you are obviously writing to. I can guess some of these... but that is only because I know about 30 some odd game systems (without an emphasis on generic adventure fantasy).
The Description for the material is lacking. I have to make up everything and that is not the point of a submission here.
As with all writing, you CAN NOT ASSUME your readers KNOW ANYTHING BESIDES WHAT YOU TELL THEM. There is no data here that I don't have to look up the original sources for to get.
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It has potential. Put this back in your work space... edit the crap out of it... pump up the description... and then you will have a great post and a set of them.
This post wasn't meant to be qualitatively able to be published as literature - merely points to a plot. It has little to no artistic value in that sense and was vague.
We don't require literature (Have you read some of our posts?). We do request/ require reasonably clear and descriptive writing. The Post is, in its current form at this time, a bit too vague to be really useful for anyone besides you. That includes explaining what the game mechanics/ game system dependent terms mean in story terms so those of us who don't play a particular game can follow along.
You need to give us the story/ plot's flow so we and others can use it. I think that was one of the bigger complaints many had. You can't assume we know what you are talking about. I had to look the games up on the internet to get the references. However, you need to give us a background so we don't have to look stuff up on external sites to follow the post.
You have the basis of a really good set of posts here. With some work, it could be really good.
You can edit it live or move it back to your work space (if you need help on how, find some of us in either the chat or forum). Again, good basics. Now that you know we actually want editted/polished submissions, you can easily bring it up to speed.
Do me a favor and read a number of posts on the site. Randomly even. See where these people are coming from and where the bars are set on the site.
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Also Check out the entire site, including the forum. We have an entire section on the forum to work out ideas before they get posted.
Love the initial quote. The text is akward to read in spots. (I have only seen it since the wall of text has been broken).
Conceptually it is good. This post seems to be missing the answers to some basic questions and some immediate ones.
Where abouts do these monsters live? Do they attack other things than people? (I mean then why aren't the cities full of these things?)
How do we know about them killing things? Perhaps description of the wounds? (and the result of an implied large claw)
The pack size means a lot of food that can hear them.
Sonar? They are stealthy, but can be heard.
They also seem to possess some form of intelligence as they appear to communicate with each other, (replace the comma with a period).
If we can't percieve them, how do we know there are others (or groups)? How do we know they seem to be intelligent? How do we know they communicate with each other?
Good concept. Execution just needs some umphGo to Comment
I found the original not only to be more interesting, but better formatted. http://hobbyjapan.co.jp/wh/dlfiles/owa_coin_color.pdf
Warhammer Piece for those that care.Go to Comment