Why are the Spies and the Espers killing each other? Do their different strategies obstruct each other, and does each side blame the other because this "obstruction" is allowing the remnants of the Resistance to rebuild? Go to Comment
Another possible plot hook: Karryk-Mos has been attacked by kobolds from another tribe, who claim that their reclaimed ruin, a moderate distance away, is the real capital of the Ancient Empire and denounce the Emperor of Karryk-Mos as a "pretender". The kobold war soon endangers nearby towns, as both sides raid for resources in a frantic search for any tactical advantage. Go to Comment
One nitpick: it looks like you skipped a step in Hiraken's biography, namely how he changed from avenging hunter to forest guardian. After a few attempts to read between the lines, I've come to the assumption that "forest guardian" is a hereditary position and that Hiraken inherited the title from Ishmar, but it would be better if this was spelled out.
This omission (of why he's doing what he does now) seems to tie into CaptainPenguin's more general complaint -- I can't get a sense of who this guy is, how he would act, or how I could use him in an adventure.
On the plus side, the plot hook is unusual enough to be interesting. Go to Comment
I'm not sure whether you were trying for entertainment or utility. Either way, the sub's too lean to satisfy.
Also, you might want to give some thought to freetexts. The "Death" freetext links you to macabre, death-themed subs like the Armor of the Last Stand and Never Ending Silence. The "Dying" freetext, though... not only does it seem redundant, but it links to absolutely nothing.
P.S. Self-cannibalism? How does the game get there? (The last time I saw autocannibalism mentioned was in a throwaway line in Transmetropolitan.) Go to Comment
Here are a few things you might want to look at, if you ever decide to revise this piece (in no particular order).
"Usstan lar pholor l'dro fashka dos lar dosst ehmtu." My reaction when reading this: "What does this mean, and is it important?" Much later (in "Extra Information") you note that it's the command word that drains life force from a person or object (?), but until then it's just a clunky bit of trivia, and (unless the GM makes you call out unique command words for your other magic items) it's probably still trivia.
In the beginning of the sub, Laerthra seems like Prometheus' little sister, giving humans gifts to copy. Then she gets a little vain and subverts Divine Law as part of a grand scheme to ... make something that humans can't copy, and by the end of the sub she's sucking the soul out of some poor slob who picked the necklace up. Then there's the part about how the wearer (if he lives long enough) can "use the life force from a human" to make super-strong objects. The character of Laerthra is at issue here. Was there always a dark side to her creative personality, or is this an effect of her imprisonment? (This would be less of an issue if the necklace wasn't essentially Laerthra on a leash.)
Speaking of Divine Law, how often exactly do the Gods intervene in mortal life? You give three answers -- none, not often, and one god does little else -- in the same paragraph. This could use clarification.
The sub's writing is unclear and obscure in places. Silveressa already gave a good many examples, so I'll just point out the one that stood out for me: "She had the ability to create other things like: swords, crossbows, chairs, doors, jars, etc. These items were then dropped from heaven and given to the humans." It took me a couple of minutes to stop thinking about how that would play out as a Monty Python skit, which I assume isn't the sort of fantastic grandeur you were trying to achieve.
Back to the sacrifice: is it sacrifice of a human, as stated in Magic/Cursed Properties, or of a "thing," as stated in Extra Information?
If the necklace is put on a tree and disappears, where does it go? I got the impression (from "Later") that it could only translocate itself a short distance (like, for example, the distance from a man's pocket to his neck).
The necklace's powers, overall, seem weaker than the backstory would suggest. The owner of this necklace has the Goddess of Craftsmanship literally in his pocket, at the risk of his life -- and he can duplicate (in D&D terms) 4th and 5th level spells.
I respectfully disagree with Michael. Your last magic item was more internally consistent, it was much easier to read and understand, and its story matched its powers (even if you did use the old Made by an Evil Mage line). This is a noticeable step back. Go to Comment
This is good. This is very good. I like a good antisocial NPC, and this one a couple of good reasons to be antisocial, and her personality (blunt but kind) fits her backstory.
I also like the part about the familiar's name -- the way you've written it, it could be an quirk or an affectation, or it could be the plain truth (and Isis help whoever walks in on them). Solid support for GM flexibility is a good thing.
I've typed "good" and "like" enough times already, so I'll leave it there. Go to Comment
What Scrasamax said -- some of the classes seem out of place in a medical school. (Nightstick training?)
Some of the characters are interesting, in a bit-part sort of way, but they seem inappropriate for the setting. (Again, the ex-SWAT nightstick trainers are the outstanding example.)
The sub seems contradictory at times (Dr. Miller is both infamous and respected, and Ms. Chambers is both slender and voluptuous). Other parts read as vague or opaque (but that might just be a difference in taste).
And then there's the librarian, Ms. Margaret Thatcher. She might speak slowly to compensate for speech impediments resulting from a minor stroke. She also probably only sleeps four hours a day -- the library might be open 24/7, but that doesn't mean that anyone's actually using it at 3 am. (I suggest Wikipedia for more biographical tidbits and a usable picture.)
I don't generally have a problem with this sort of "borrowing." In another, more light-hearted context, I don't even mind if the borrowing is bold and undisguised. In a horror or mystery game, though, I suspect that the mood might suffer. (Also, the players might spend an annoyingly large amount of game time searching for Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev.)
On the silver-lining side, a Google search of the other characters led me to ian-miller.org, which has an art portfolio. Go to Comment
The Aurelyans Society/ Organizations (Ethnic/Cultural)
In cultures and langauges with very few acceptable personal and family names, nicknames will be used. These nicknames will be based on their physical traits and personalities. So instead of five Ryon Khans, you have Big Ryon, Little Ryon, Fast Ryon, Ryon the Priest, and Ryon with coin. It will make finding people, for an outsider, difficult.