As I was reading, I thought there should be more person in the person. Personality is what makes the difference between a character and a mook who dies without getting any lines. The setup is interesting for the most part, and you have provided plenty about what she is. But WHO is she? I still don't know.
Seeing your reply to MM's comment, I see it's a deliberate choice, and I respect the intent. I can't fault someone for having a different approach to design. However, I DO believe leaving her without a personality reduces her utility. This is all my opinion, and mileage may vary and such, but if I'm browsing the site instead of making my own NPC, I don't want to have to detail her personality. :)
In addition, I'd love to see a few plot hooks. How will she fit in my game? Go to Comment
I gotta be honest, from the title and the summary blurb, I expected this to be bad. But it wasn't.
This is a bit on the short side, could use some fleshing out. But what IS there is good stuff. It's evocative, and pretty interesting. Although... it's too bad none of the picutres show him missing that arm. :P
There are a few nitpicks in the presentation, but overall, I'd say this is a darn good sub. 4.0/5 Go to Comment
Art - An interesting idea, blended well. Full Point
Craft - Some formatting issues. Half Point. The i, ii, iii, iv, and v could be better notated in the text. It was confusing at first, as I thought those were just part of terms and names you were using until I noticed the notations below. This impacted readability, but is easily fixed, I think.
Style - The writing is interesting and engaging. Full Point
Substance - There is a lot to work with there, and a lot of pieces one could use individually or as a whole. Full Point
Extra Mile - There is, in fact, a LOT to work with here. Full Point.
System specific info is not necessarily a bad thing... provided everyone understands the intent. For example, is a Fortitude Save of DC 27 supposed to be easy? Hard? Somewhere in the middle? I'd include verbiage to clarify this for the non-Pathfinders in your audience. Go to Comment
I think this is well done. It presents an interesting idea in an equally interesting way, leaving a lot of leeway for a GM to fit this into his own work. It has a sweet (pun intended) "Stand Alone Complex" vibe I can see fitting in to any story set in a less-than-perfect future - which is all of them really.
The block quotes make the individual posts seem more forum-like, too.
There are a few typos, but they actually work perfectly here, because they're all in forum posts. Those are always riddled with errors. I'm not sure of you did it on purpose or not, but don't correct them. :P
My only beef is all the extra reading I had to do on the Eclipse Phase site. :P Go to Comment
Engaging, well-presented & most of all something I can see myself using. With a little tweaking for the naming style, this would be a perfect addition to my Everway games. (Everway has a pretty specific naming convention, so pretty much everything has to be renamed to fit. :P )
About the only flaw I see here is the dead link to the Resident of Oldport. :P Hopefully you'll have that finished and the link will work soon so I can read that one as well. Go to Comment
Re: "Fast Friends," the term refers not to speed but to being firm. It's possible it's a colloquialism that isn't universal, but I thought it appropriate in the voice of the narrator.
Re: My typos, Awesome. Keep pointing those out. I'll keep fixing 'em.
Re: bit of work, I actually posted this part without being super happy with it. It felt - and still feels - like something's missing. But I couldn't put my finger on it and in the end, "perfect is the enemy of good," so I posted it. :) Any suggestions for what this part may be missing would be welcome. Go to Comment
The intent of the sigh and running off is this: the moment of crisis has passed and Kevin, not wanting to be late (and really not wanting to deal with the mess which was just created), takes off running.
Also, I realized I narrated from his viewpoint without giving a clue about what an outside observer would be perceiving, which is that Kevin is moving at super speed. So he'll never be late again. :) But yeah, I could show that better. Go to Comment
Hitler's suicide was not suicide. Was he killed because he was a mindless dupe to this same dark power? Or did he shoot himself to complete the ritual which ensure his own dark spirit would remain to infect the world for decades to come? Go to Comment
Spectre uses his ability to merge with shadow and travel between shadows to get the drop on criminals, who he beats senseless. You might think he's a hero, and sure, he's helped a bunch of people. But he also takes their stuff, and isn't shy about using excessive force.
The Fury was drugged and they thought she was dead. They disposed of her body by putting her in the buildings incinerator. That's where she woke up. On Fire. She's criminally insane, usually failing to distinguish between friend and foe, and burns so hot it should have consumes her long ago. She doesn't talk; only howls in rage and pain and hate. Go to Comment
I like this one. A power that seems pretty minor, but depending on how easily usable it is, it could be incredibly powerful in a fight. Switching places with someone can really mess them up, put them out of position, facing the wrong way, all sorts of trouble. Go to Comment
Aramax, I challenged this one. If you feel the need to make a comment preemptively defending the sub, that should tell you something. The potential here to offend outweighs any utility. This is something that could be pursued, but it needs to be handled to care and sensitivity, and I'm sorry, but that didn't happen here.
In addition, there's two other issues which were not challenge-worthy, but which I think deserve mention.
First, this isn't a 100 word sub; it's a stub. I haven't had a problem with your short format before this, but an idea touching on such a topic deserves more thought and consideration than trying to fit it in such a short word count.
Second, run this through spell check and grammar, or have someone proofread it. I typo like mad and I know it, so I don't expect perfection, But some effort to clean up a post would be nice. Go to Comment
Thanks. I appreciate the comment on my choice of tense. Fair warning, a LOT of my subs use this tense. I know it's not one a lot of people like to use, or read. I like it because it gives a sense of being more part of the scene. For me anyway.
I should maybe not admit this, but I tried to do a thing where all the past scenes were in past tense, and mixed my tenses horribly because I'm so used to writing in present tense. Need to fix it ASAP. :P Go to Comment