Art: No Point. Borrowed ideas with no attempt to make them your own.
Craft: Half Point - Major formatting problems and a few grammar issues. Good use of spell check, though.
Style: No Point - Dry, linear, and no effort to give it a flavor, a sense of the world, a feel. What style I might give would belong to the original creators.
Substance: No point - Not a lot to sink my teeth into. Vague setting material with over the top in places. 60% mortality rate on the first mission? Why are there still people? And maybe it's just the lack of a map others noted, but the adventure reads more like a rail shooter than anything, goinf from A to B to C and so on. While not a deal break by itself, use of game specific stats and terms is annoying and reduces usability by others.
Extra Mile: No Point
There's nothing wrong with drawing inspiration from other sources. Everyone here has done it. But make some effort to make the material your own. Bring it to life with a few interesting characters, a bit more plausible stats, some new elements.
Format the work to enhance readability. Have someone suggest grammar fixes and maybe a few rewrites, also to enhance readability. I suggest text boxes or block quotes for the large swaths of narrative text. And then make those shorter.
This belated reply is courtesy of me just noticing this and Scras' note. I speak only for myself, and I'm still one of the newest members to stick around, so my voice should not be taken as representative.
I apologize if my comments were belittling. It wasn't a deliberate attempt. I've struggled here to contribute, not just writing, but to the dialog. I hate to just vote without providing a thoughtful comment, but in the past I've avoided commenting unless the comment was positive, specifically to avoid appearing belittling. But I value honest feedback, and so I finally decided I had to be equally honest in my feedback. I sometimes forget not everyone wants to be judge on the same criteria.
I want to know when something I write falls short. Simple as that. I tend to apply that line of thinking to others' works. I devised my own system for rating work here, based on qualities I value in writing. It was the only way to be objective when much of the material I read just isn't something I'm interested in. Dwarves? Bah! But good writing and good ideas deserve to be recognized even if I think Dwarves are stupid.
But some people just want to share ideas, not be judged on their grammar and whatnot. So I applied my criteria and judged your work on things you were not looking to be judged on. So in spite of the intent the outcome is indeed harsh. Perhaps even more harsh than my own criteria should be. There may be ways to phrase criticism better, to encourage instead of belittle. I'll work on that next time. Go to Comment
It's hard to rate subs in this Old School contest. My personal dislike of Old School tells me to rate everything low, but my rational side tells me to reward people who embrace the concepts. Let's see how I did...
Art - Full point - A good idea here, nicely presented.
Craft - Half Point - Needs some editing, but overall well-written & clear. Verbose in places, but that feels in line with my memory of modules from the old school era.
Style - Full Point - I'd ordinarily ding you here, but you're trying to be true to the old school feel. I don't like that feel, but I do appreciate how well you've hit the mark.
Substance - Full Point - Plenty here, even if I don't want to use the entire plot. I could use this is a game easily.
Extra Mile - Full Point - I thought a lot of work went into this, and you've made great efforts to color within the lines for a true old school feel. Excellent work.
While this sub doesn't hit all my buttons, I do think it's hit all the right buttons to make a great old school piece. Nice.
I'm trying something new and thought making the leader of the guild I'm trying for my first victim could have no possible downside. Four criteria and one wild card spot for voting.
Art - Full point - A good idea here, presented with some thought.
Craft - Half Point - Needs minor editing, but overall well-written, clear, concise.
Style - Half Point - It's a bit on the dry side, That might be on purpose, but it doesn't draw me in completely.
Substance - Full Point - I could drop this into my game with little to no trouble.
Extra Mile - Half Point - I actually REALLY like the concept.
3.5 out of 5.0
I'd revote for editing, spicing up the style a bit, and/or a bit more information, common traits, plot hooks, examples of use in play, etc. Go to Comment
Aramax gets to be the second test, by virtue of this sub being right below the first. :P
Art - This is a quest were trite and overdone are virtues, and on that this merits a full point. :)
Craft - The writing is solid, but the formatting could be a bit clearer, with sections for important aspects. Half Point.
Style - It's very true to the style in play, but it's also a tad tangled. Half Point.
Substance - If I was running an old school D&D game, this would be my Villain. Full Point.
Extra Mile - Goddammit, I HATE old school. But you kept me reading all the way to the end anyway. Full point.
As I was reading, I thought there should be more person in the person. Personality is what makes the difference between a character and a mook who dies without getting any lines. The setup is interesting for the most part, and you have provided plenty about what she is. But WHO is she? I still don't know.
Seeing your reply to MM's comment, I see it's a deliberate choice, and I respect the intent. I can't fault someone for having a different approach to design. However, I DO believe leaving her without a personality reduces her utility. This is all my opinion, and mileage may vary and such, but if I'm browsing the site instead of making my own NPC, I don't want to have to detail her personality. :)
In addition, I'd love to see a few plot hooks. How will she fit in my game? Go to Comment
I gotta be honest, from the title and the summary blurb, I expected this to be bad. But it wasn't.
This is a bit on the short side, could use some fleshing out. But what IS there is good stuff. It's evocative, and pretty interesting. Although... it's too bad none of the picutres show him missing that arm. :P
There are a few nitpicks in the presentation, but overall, I'd say this is a darn good sub. 4.0/5 Go to Comment
Art - An interesting idea, blended well. Full Point
Craft - Some formatting issues. Half Point. The i, ii, iii, iv, and v could be better notated in the text. It was confusing at first, as I thought those were just part of terms and names you were using until I noticed the notations below. This impacted readability, but is easily fixed, I think.
Style - The writing is interesting and engaging. Full Point
Substance - There is a lot to work with there, and a lot of pieces one could use individually or as a whole. Full Point
Extra Mile - There is, in fact, a LOT to work with here. Full Point.
System specific info is not necessarily a bad thing... provided everyone understands the intent. For example, is a Fortitude Save of DC 27 supposed to be easy? Hard? Somewhere in the middle? I'd include verbiage to clarify this for the non-Pathfinders in your audience. Go to Comment
I think this is well done. It presents an interesting idea in an equally interesting way, leaving a lot of leeway for a GM to fit this into his own work. It has a sweet (pun intended) "Stand Alone Complex" vibe I can see fitting in to any story set in a less-than-perfect future - which is all of them really.
The block quotes make the individual posts seem more forum-like, too.
There are a few typos, but they actually work perfectly here, because they're all in forum posts. Those are always riddled with errors. I'm not sure of you did it on purpose or not, but don't correct them. :P
My only beef is all the extra reading I had to do on the Eclipse Phase site. :P Go to Comment
Engaging, well-presented & most of all something I can see myself using. With a little tweaking for the naming style, this would be a perfect addition to my Everway games. (Everway has a pretty specific naming convention, so pretty much everything has to be renamed to fit. :P )
About the only flaw I see here is the dead link to the Resident of Oldport. :P Hopefully you'll have that finished and the link will work soon so I can read that one as well. Go to Comment
Re: "Fast Friends," the term refers not to speed but to being firm. It's possible it's a colloquialism that isn't universal, but I thought it appropriate in the voice of the narrator.
Re: My typos, Awesome. Keep pointing those out. I'll keep fixing 'em.
Re: bit of work, I actually posted this part without being super happy with it. It felt - and still feels - like something's missing. But I couldn't put my finger on it and in the end, "perfect is the enemy of good," so I posted it. :) Any suggestions for what this part may be missing would be welcome. Go to Comment
The intent of the sigh and running off is this: the moment of crisis has passed and Kevin, not wanting to be late (and really not wanting to deal with the mess which was just created), takes off running.
Also, I realized I narrated from his viewpoint without giving a clue about what an outside observer would be perceiving, which is that Kevin is moving at super speed. So he'll never be late again. :) But yeah, I could show that better. Go to Comment