By breaking it down you've made it easier to read.
While the backstory is passable (I am no good at writing decent histories/backstories myself I might add), it starts with a glaring cliche, this isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just has that; "heard it before feel".
The part about the sculptor and its creation is fine.
The last part still raises some questions for me: How did Ytinutroppo know about its creation?, what is this loophole that he forgot to cover?
Also, this line doesn't make any sense to me: "(he's so powerful he doesn't need to show off with a ...the bloody)."
As it stands it is ok, but could still do with some more work being done. Take your time when creating something, there is no rush.
A short man with a rather large gut, and very little hair left; Bruno is one of the city's oldest Lawyers. Although he no longer practices law, he now works in the archives. Digging out that which may be useful in the days cases and copying some of the older legal proceedings and statements so that they do not fade or fall victim to rot.
He has been a regular of The Cockatrice for many decades now, and has eaten and drank nearly everything there is, both on and off of the menu. In fact he has been spending much of his time in the kitchen, taking great pleasure in aiding Elena in matters culinary and gossip.
Many people wouldn't think that he'd be any good at 'Ringing the Cockatrice', they would be wrong. He may be small and getting on, but his aim is quite good. Something the other patrons have come to respect him greatly for, that, and his help in creating new dishes with Elena.
He is a very busy old man, quite the opposite of most would expect. As such he doesn't have that much time on his hands to socialise as one normally would, but if someone should wish to talk to him about his culinary experiments he will eagerly accept. Providing they can do multiple things at once. Go to Comment
Shadows, Mirrors and Flames. Three things we have all seen and not given much thought to. What if in each of these things you could find entire alternate planes of existance? Shadows move but what they are shadowing does not. Mirrors show us what others can easily see. Flames dance and twirl inviting you to dance only to scorch you when you get close. These three things hold much mystery. What if you could harness their powers? Heh...
Ideas ( System ) | November 28, 2003 |