I like this city, the original small details is what does it for me, the spire and the agriculture in the sewers, though I have a hard time understanding how a city mostly made out of slums can afford to sell so much merchandise. The sub itself could do with a proof-reading, and the plot hooks were somewhat strange, other than that, original and likeable. Go to Comment
This was an awesome and very professional sub that wouldn't be out of place in an official WotC module, like Muro, I loved the stages and the detailing of the events.
Love it, full score! Go to Comment
A bit rough around the edges, but over all a pretty refreshing point of view. It would be wise to make this a plot centric goal from the start, lest the PCs find themselves tied to a city all of a sudden. Go to Comment
Don't forget the one where they manage to banish the evil but everyone thinks they're crazy and they end up either locked up (Nightmare on Elm Street) or on the run (Terminator 2). And of course, evil Always returns, mwahahahaha. Go to Comment
It seems it's a lot harder to summon demons in your world, given the flavour text. Also given what I've read before, it seems a very bleak place, with no room for forgiveness. Once you're branded evil, you stay evil for all eternity.
I liked the banshees with their zombie-making ability, do they still scream or did you just use the name? Go to Comment
Like Caesar said, a whole lot of stats. I didn't mind so much in the last one, but in this one it seemed more prevalent. I've never used Gurps, but that seems like a whole heap of skills for one man to have.
The apartment and the rest was nice, the schedule seemed a bit unforgiving, seeing as it was tailor made for the specific day the PCs decide to tail him, but what if they lose him on that day, then what? I couldn't find much in the way of motivation for him either, except that he's a workoholic, how would he behave if the PCs just decided to talk to him in a non-confronting manner? Go to Comment
I'm guessing you found inspiration from the Roman empire, the initial founding of Obstaria fits well with how the empire ran at first, letting old kings keep their rule, as long as they payed their taxes. I also see the potential for a ruler to reclaim their lost glory if they manage to ally with some of the nobles, playing at their secrets once more. Go to Comment
Where does this bio-mass come from, and why does it specifically target non-biological stuff? Wouldn't it have been more plausible to have like a nano-swarm or other sentient technology attach itself to the mecha? If this bio-mass can do this, wouldn't it just have been easier for it to make itself a fully biological body, or to take over a biological entity? Visually, the idea is nice, but it just seems a bit implausible. Go to Comment
At first you had me thinking, really? A single rose. But the ending really made this sub for me, though I should have guessed as she seemed kind of...succubussy. Not sure how this would work out for a group of PCs though. With no tangible reward and a death trap at the end of a trying desert, that seems kind of anti-climactic. But as a tale it was really good.
One thing though, just what is this desert rose keeping alive, if it's just an ordinary desert? Just that one oasis? Go to Comment
After reading both sub and comments, I too think this might be mislabeled. It seems to focus more on the legend than the city itself, if I were you I'd change the classifications. But as a legend, it's a good one. One has to wonder, where did such a large dragon go off to. And if it was so big, you'd think every creature on the planet would have gone deaf for a generation or so after hearing its roar.
But what little you did write about the city itself was also compelling and certainly original, though I don't really see it working in any other setting than high fantasy, except if most of those sculpture-like buildings were gone.
This section right here, really confused me though, might want to re-write it;
"Of course, children, you know what happened. Although no-one seems to know precisely how; no-one has more than a guess at why; still so-one can deny it happened, though many wish they could deny it. But they can’t, nor will they ever forget. that day, a bit more than forty years ago. " Go to Comment
First of all, let me just say that the proof reading really shows, me likey! The first description of the city put me in mind of Gloomwrought, Sunnydale (Buffy the vampire slayer) and Bright Falls (Alan Wake), but then it didn't deliver, with a very standardized city. But then, BAM! You turn the whole thing into a huge mega dungeon. If the PCs were already present when the eclipse happens, that would probably be easiest, as I dunno what else would prompt them to enter such a place afterwards.
I immidiately thought that Jorge was a woman, otherwise why would he/she hide his identity like that, using a marital aide to impress the girls, no doubt. Very thought provoking and inspiring. I don't normally go for horror, but if I did, I would use this. A great submission, full score! Go to Comment
Wow, the sun was a real abusive arsehole. I like how the origin story could be related to a natural phenomenon, like uh I dunno, if the weather was so bad they couldn't see the moon or maybe if a cloud of dust covered the sky after a meteor strike or something, in reality it may or may not have been a full year, but in narrative form it sounds more dramatic.
It read very smoothly, with lots of nice details, I highly enjoyed reading this. Nothing seems to be missing, though I would advise you to put in a break or two before the first quote, since the ToC compresses it. Your ego can rest easy on this one, full score from me. :) Go to Comment
So much popular culture blended all into one. While not always original, certainly useful, swimming with content and obviously a lot of hard work went into it. The only reason it's not a full score is because a lot of it is unaltered from its source. Go to Comment
You realize a group of men is going right to you. The man in front has a hard determined look on his face, the two men behind follow him with some uneasiness. He stops before you, holding the handle of his sword in one hand, and slaps (choose person carefully) with leather gloves he carries in the other hand. "Rhadagald Thinvoice, I challenge You to a duel to dea..." Stopping abruptly, he realizes this is the wrong person.