The idea of a Sauron's Eye type of thing coming at you in space, is certainly awe-inspiring. Bit on the short side, but that was what made me read it in the first place, seeing as sci-fi isn't really my cup of tea. I believe the quote-boxes should be fixed by now? Go to Comment
I really liked the differing factions and many options. The bad parts were the old artifact macguffin plot and the use of doom demons, even though the latter didn't really affect things much. Somewhat predictable and mainstream, could have used a twist.
But, that being said, it was very well written and structured, enough so to warrant a high score.
Here are some thoughts;
Since there's only two scientists, it seems overly easy to befriend that faction as opposed to the other ones.
Since that scanner door only required DNA from the pirate captain, they could still kill him and bring a chopped off hand or something, right?
It would seem like the millitary's goals would be fulfilled with the scientist's quest as well, only in a slightly more dangerous and complex way, would it be possible to get them all on the same page, or are the factions so opposed to eachother that they won't help eachother out?
If you want something besides just a non-descript artefact, how bout taking the plot from Event Horizon, and saying that the science vessel has an experimental slip stream mode of travel, which just incidentally, takes a shortcut across hell. Go to Comment
At first when I checked the uh...categories for these, I just read wand/staff, so I figured, oh so these three items will combine into a wand then...Then I reached the end, and had to take a second look, saw arcane and figured it out. I would have liked the wand idea more to be honest. Nothing that really stands out, but nothing really wrong with it. That plothook with the world tearing in twain was worth a .5 at least, though there should have been more information on the seal when used as such a campaign defining macguffin.
I don't understand how the quill is supposed to work, how is it any different than any other quill? Go to Comment
Very interesting, just some minor typos I won't even write up. I have an... observation though.
"and the sound increased in pitch and volume as though it were an electrical gadget overloading. "
I can understand that it would be hard to find an equivalent of this sound in a more traditional fantasy enviroment, unless your setting has that level of technology?
Up until that point, I was under the impression of a tale told straight out of this world, but that electric gadget observation broke that spell for me. Go to Comment
Maybe I missed something, but I'm having trouble understanding how you go from watching your dad die at the hands of thiefs to becoming a summoner of demons. The killing of Ralf also felt a bit unmotivated.
"He thought that if he attached himself to the rising star that was Jacob, he could become quite the Demonologist himself- or at least famous enough that he could pretend to be an excellent one. The two had an argument. The argument turned into a fight. The fight turned in a duel to the death. "
Felt very abrupt, there was no foreshadowing, just all of a sudden they started fighting to the death, for seemingly no reason. Go to Comment
Well, this is a tough one. On the one hand it is riddled with typos and grammatical errors, to the point that it stopped the flow of the text altogether at times. But that being said, I have to say that I love this idea, of the dining room sized arena. So I'm glad I read it.
I would still urge you strongly to spellcheck it, it's a very good sub and it really deserves that extra love and care. I would also suggest that you read this post;
These don't seem dwarven at all to me. This is your second submission regarding dwarfs who are not dwarven, the other one being the sappers, if I'm not mistaken. All personal taste aside, lots of content and very comprehensive. Go to Comment
"There are few things considered more authentic Texican cuisine than veggie sticks with hot sauce and cheeze." It is a bleak future you paint...
Gong Han stood out to me; On the one hand, if you freeze down a murderer, he's gonna unthaw the same way, so what would be the point?
On the other hand, no expenses for food or other commodities, and their sentences could be so long that the families of their victims would be long dead. And maybe they would be better people in a different era. Plus, it really makes a lasting comment about how meaningless it is to simply incarcerate people without re-educating them.
Obviously these are all serious and gritty prisons, but I had been hoping for some more different takes on imprisonment, like maybe dress everyone up in pink bunny suits and cutsey, pastel colored, fluffy enviroments, to make the prisoners lose all cred of going to prison. Still, this is well enough unique material and well written enough to deserve a full score from me. Go to Comment
When there's no magic to it, there's not much to do but focus on the background, and you've certainly done that. Maybe some plothooks? After all even if it's not much in the equipment department, it could still serve as a Macguffin. Go to Comment
I was with you on the names up until MOPBUCKET. :P So the janitors are actually field agents who think they're reporting only to the CIA, but in actuality is also reporting to the true RJS, and they have no reason to suspect them, because they're already out in the open as their front. Brilliant. :D Go to Comment
A typical iron ore mine, the Irongate was closed some years ago and the entrance was closed off with a heavy gate of oak and thick iron bands, the Irongate. The mine itself was abandoned because it was a breeding ground for dire rats and many of the miners suffered from giant rodent bites as well as diseases from said bites. The mines are haunted by the ghosts of the men who died in dire rat swarms, adding to the mine's unpleasant character.