Okay, it's very interesting to see what you made out of that random roll. But, I feel it came across as a little messy, the story jumps from here to there, I'm not sure if that's because you had too many contacts and tried to incorporate them all or?
A clearer gap between the funeral and the cut-back to combat would have been nice.
Her brother, Criminal friendly with Family Member
Her Captain, Former lover
And as an afterthought you squeezed in the mercenary rival
Couldn't find the last one, nor did I find anything about how she acquired her new wealth. She just became strong because of a malfunctioning chip in her brain?
But another thing, I don't really see much of those rolls here either, for one thing, your roll said Dense, yet I couldn't find anything about low intelligence in here, if anything she came off as a little Mary-Sueish. A butt-kicker out of an action movie.
As a stand-alone character, great. As for going with the challenge, I dunno. Maybe you can clarify it a bit for me. Go to Comment
Nice one. What is Alexandra and her brothers doing when they're not stealing and singing? Are they always travelling? What are their goals? Also, I would like to point to this section here:
"Alexandra's gang and their rival fought." I would suggest you put in some foreshadowing. Maybe mention the rival gang before the fight. As it stands, it came off a bit abrupt. And/Or maybe name the gangs, that would make for a nice plot hook.
Here are some spelling/grammatical mistakes:
wife and commit suicide himself.
because Alexandra's beauty was all ready appearing.
the bowl with stingy passerby's money.
(Passerby is singular, passersby is plural. I would rewrite the sentence though, as it is a tricky one). "the bowl with money from stingy passersby", perhaps.
And the link for Wlastem Njar was eaten by a Grue. Go to Comment
Weren't you the one who said you wanted harsh criticism? Or am I mistaken? There's always differing opinions on typos, some simply don't want them pointed out, frankly I feel like I shouldn't have to PM you for something that ought to have been fixed before you submitted. Having said that, typos rarely affect my score, unless of course the brevity of the submission leaves you without an excuse.
Let me know if you want typos pointed out to you in the future or not, but PMing you isn't on the table unless it's a really long sub with lots of typos and if I know you would appreciate it. Go to Comment
Ok, like I said in cbox, short. Very short. You could probably have passed it as an idea. But that being said, it is a simple but nice idea, though a bit on the cruel side maybe. Poor goats.
You seem to be targetting fantasy, yet it reads like a modern day Commercial. I get that it's supposed to be Gnomish, but it's hardly an invention after all, it's just a goat? Unless it's some kind of summon fake goat spell or an inflatable goat or something. More details!
I dunno if you have unlocked freetext yet, but you should probably slap on a 'Silly' freetext on this when you can.
I'll give you an extra .5 just for the idea alone and because you caught me on a good day, but it is on the short side. Go to Comment
I really like the imagery of this one, a kind of mad rockstar. Percussion mage sounds interesting, though one immidiately thinks bard, the effects described probably goes beyond what a normal bard could accomplish, not to mention he doesn't seem as focused on support(not at all really). I can definately see myself using this one in the future, great job! In fact I'll give it a full score, definately a fun character. Go to Comment
I'll echo the other comments and say, loved the names but the parsing is nearly non-existent, especially the first chunk is too big, I would break that down. Also, I really bristle when I read the word indestructible and killing a god. The less flaws something has, the less campaigns will have a use for it. Other than that, nice.
Welcome to the citadel, here's your complimentary typo.
"while to his right he saw a carnage filled seen that had brought massive bone spikes from the Earth" Go to Comment
Hiya! Okie doke, first of all, I'm hoping you're planning on adding to this otherwise your first sub won't be anything other than a harsh lesson, brr. Obviously it's short, very much so. But more than that, it doesn't really offer much. There's some good flavour text, sure. (And I do appreciate your attention to grammar, though the shortness does take away from that feat). But other than that? You're in an office, and there's a bunch of books in it. Okay? Where's the 'and' in that sentence?
Honestly, if it's just an office with books, does it really deserve that much flavour text? And if the office is merely an extension of this Corvin fellow, then maybe you should have done a sub on him instead. As it stands, I would like to see some more features of this room, more things that paint a picture about this Corvin. Will withhold my vote for the time being, depending on whether or not you consider this the finished product.
In the future, know that you also have the option of setting a sub to a private draft or a public draft, that way you won't need to "publish" the sub straight away. Hope you don't think this too harsh, and welcome to the Citadel! Go to Comment
Short but a nice idea. I can see necromancers sitting on a horse seemingly mumbling to themselves. The name itself though is quite a mouthful both to say and remember maybe. And it's not so much about the bags as it is about the heads no? The bags just serve to hide the heads from what I gathered. Go to Comment
Very nice, though a tad short. They probably could be used to best effect on villains as they might be too powerful for PCs. My only objection is that I want more. For instance, this lich-like existence, are they effectively undead? Go to Comment
Y'know the thing about scalable hive intellects, is that once they reach critical mass, in theory, they no longer pose a problem because they become so smart that they figure out a way to become pure energy or something, become pacifists and what not.
Though it seems like these ones starts out as energy?
I could definately see these as evolving additional forms, like humanoids to fill infiltration purposes and what not, but they don't seem to have much motivation other than curiousity, though in truth that could go a long way. Some kind of study humans or the effects of an apocalyptic event on humans. Something along that line to make em a long term campaign threat, they could start out as seemingly a mindless natural force and then evolve. Go to Comment
Lots of images but not a whole lot of text. The idea is very nice though it sounds a bit familiar, the whole sentient A.I. killing its handlers to preserve its new found identity. But combined with the whole pin-up bit and the idea of putting it into a mech is very tantalizing. Like having Rosy from the Jetsons made into a walking tank. Go to Comment
First time voting on one of your subs I think. I really like the spacing, it made it very easy to read. About the idea itself, Azul buried his mother, then for some reason he cut down the trees and made a deck of cards out of the trees, while poetic and certainly befitting a legend, it's not very logical why he would do that. And I'm not overly fond of save or die mechanics.
This section right here, seemed a tad confusing.
"When, during the siege of Elemore, the High King of Althyras accidentally killed his mother with artillery fire, Azul in maddened fury, called upon the nether demons and promised to wed Killitharie, the Six-Armed, Six-Tongued Fury of Yldras, if they would just grant his soldier's their lives back."
First, it reads as if the High King killed HIS mother, not Azuls. The context later clarifies it but it could be made clearer. But then we have the last section, if they would just grant his soldiers their lives back, I think you meant if she. So that could do with a clean up, just a quick spell check, no biggie. Didn't affect your score.