Strolen\s Citadel content. 
The Gateway of Empire
Locations  (Fortification)   (Mountains)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-04-06 06:38 AM


Echo likes. You captured the despair of a failing empire well, the faded glory too.



I noticed a few spelling errors, but nothing crucial. A well-rounded submission, ready to be used.


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30 Books from the Fallen Library
Items  (Books and Scrolls)   (Non-Magical)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-04-03 05:21 PM


I like how every one of them is actually a plot hook or several; it's well-written and evocative. Even one of them may start off a campaign.



A good one.


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Dust of Sages
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Underground)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-31 05:06 AM


I will echo (haha) the previous comment: it feels more like a stub; hence, I won't vote yet.



Give it some love, for what I read so far could grow to be great!

 


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The Barrows of the Forest Lords
Dungeons  (Forest/ Jungle)   (Puzzles)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-31 04:58 AM


It's very... RPG-like. Like it was made for a computer game, or for a set of characters in pen-and-paper.



Also, why wasn't it looted in the 4000 years before?



I like the prose, though.


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The Barrows of the Forest Lords
Dungeons  (Forest/ Jungle)   (Puzzles)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-04-02 02:20 AM
Let me rephrase. The location does not sound realistic - it seems its sole existence was to sit there, provide a modest challenge to some dude, then cease being relevant. Go to Comment
The Barrows of the Forest Lords
Dungeons  (Forest/ Jungle)   (Puzzles)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-04-02 02:32 PM
For example, the haunting - it is presented as penance, telling of their errors. Why then does the haunt fade after telling the story of their failure to a scant few tresspassers?

What else?
It is straightforward.
It steers players away from interaction/cooperation.
The trials could be far better.
The presentation could use spicing up.
Etc.

I am not bitching, I am intent on helping you improve. Go to Comment
The Barrows of the Forest Lords
Dungeons  (Forest/ Jungle)   (Puzzles)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-04-03 04:50 PM
Oh.
Sorry for trying to help.
I thought we put up things on Strolen's to get some critique.

You act like it's perfect.
Whatever. Go to Comment
The Barrows of the Forest Lords
Dungeons  (Forest/ Jungle)   (Puzzles)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-04-03 04:50 PM
The Barrows of the Forest Lords
Dungeons  (Forest/ Jungle)   (Puzzles)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-04-04 09:05 AM
If you look above, at first I offered just critique, without suggestions (not orders) - to which I received a less than friendly reply.

Hence, I elaborated, and pointed out possible improvements. Because, I'm such a nice guy.

Upon which I again receive a pissed-off paragraph.

Hence, a last suggestion: calm down, really. Or I will come to think the RG at the beginning of your nick means Rage-Guy. You know, this dude:
http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSZZPcU-ZbqDLNvkrun5rg57pczzUFrw4tVECwAkLI4UKWhgSQ4dw&t=1 Go to Comment
The Standard
Items  (Other)   (Heroic)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-31 05:03 AM


The plot hooks section is quite slim, especially with the mischief and outright disaster an anti-magic banner can wreak.



Also, I'd suggest adding some quirks and more personality a) to the known banners b) to the banners in general. So far, they're indestructible anti-magic banners. Woo.



It's okay, I guess.


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The Blood Beast
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Other)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-31 04:48 AM


I'd have welcomed alternative uses - so far, it's pretty straightforward.



> Blood beasts, in making all blood as one, could serve as universal transfusions!



> They could be distilled into healing agents!



> A colossal blood beast, stuck in a magical trap, could leak and feed a debased tribe with a fountain of unholy blood!


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Tome of the Ancient Kingdom
Items  (Books and Scrolls)   (Campaign Defining)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-26 08:42 AM


Echo likes.



Your description led me to the truth of Nortelbean swiftly and without force, even before you stated the truth. .



The sub leaves me hungry for more, though - after the aperitif, a chunk of meat should come.



Care to add?



Please do ;)


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The Lost Empire
Locations  (World)   (Any)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-24 04:09 AM


This one's good. Echo likes.



You might want to flesh out the plot hooks a little.


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The Mel Victus
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Forest/ Jungle)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-22 12:04 PM


I noticed several spelling and grammar errors, and the prose could use some smoothing out.



Other than that, the plant on its own is OK, the background how a healing herb brought down a city is quite original as well.



I'm withholding the vote for now.


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The Mel Victus
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Forest/ Jungle)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-22 01:55 PM
Still some left ^_^ - for example "sever" is a verb (cutting something from something else), but you're looking for "severe", the adjective pertaining to severity.

The area of your body where you wear your belt is the "waist", the "waste" is litter, refuse. I doubt they tied clay pots with the plants around their detritus or feces :)

etc. Go to Comment
The Tree of Bone
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Mountains)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-15 01:53 AM
Yeah, the "ewww" was sort of intended. A success, then! Go to Comment
The Tree of Bone
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Mountains)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-04-12 03:12 AM
I do not think the Emperor is evil, actually. He is alien - and knows little of human morals, perchance can't even understand them.
Whether his love for his wives/people was honest, I leave up to the reader, but in my opinion it was.

As for the "power level" it is an undead god. Undead Old One. Starspawn. Clad in corpses. He has collected them for at least a thousand years. It's going to be huge. It's not something to be brought down through swinging a sword at it, but through role-play and smarts.

His location was described to be in the middle of a barely inhabitable mountain chain, as unclaimed. Sure, it will be inside the territory of one of the mentioned realms, Aberlia or New Ebernesse - at least on maps. But a fantasy kingdom has usually better things to conquer that an inhospitable mountaintop where you need a dwarven apparatus to breathe.

As for the minions and powers, I'll add a paragraph. Go to Comment
The Tree of Bone
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Mountains)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-04-18 02:14 PM


The minions of the Tree



Who keeps the dead god-emperor company besides his deceased children? It is the men of Valersund, forever bent by his sorcery, their flesh sustained by his will and their minds sundered by his presence.



They are hulking creatures, with exaggerated muscles bordering on the grotesque, and elongated arms ending often in rending claws. Some possess more than two, with extra appendages of murderous intent growing from their hunched backs, now useless mouths or as tails.



Though hideously deformed, they still are less horrid than their larger brethren, who consist of several fused bodies, walking on six legs and wielding weapons in all directions, or the jumbled amalgams of man and beast.



Each will also have a female face growing somewhere, disturbingly beautiful amidst his misshapen features; it is the face of the female who once commanded him, and forever it whispers to him the will of the god-emperor. The link, though, can be severed with magic or a weapon capable of harming ghosts, leading to confusion on the beast's part.



They are clad in remnants of armor, often of excellent make, and wrapped in shreds of dead flesh, skin and bone of those who sought to desecrate the Emperor's resting place. All over their skin, a strange slimy membrane is spread, exuded by the dead deity, to allow them to exist in the cold and thin air of the mountain summit, keeping them forever just beyond the grasp of death.



For weapons, the Servant Sons use their monstrous bodies, or man-made weapons, some of them even objects of power.



Most are hopelessly insane, driven but by the dead god-thing's will, though a select few embraced their monarch's influence and gave themselves to it, keeping reasoning and cunning largely intact, and their madness subtle.


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Princess Emma Montor
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Political)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-13 02:38 PM


This one's good :)



It could use some fleshing out and a little facelift to remove a few errors and clear up the sentence structure. I'll vote then.


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Princess Emma Montor
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Political)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-22 12:05 PM


Voting.


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