Strolen\s Citadel content. 
The Barrows of the Forest Lords
Dungeons  (Forest/ Jungle)   (Puzzles)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-04-02 02:32 PM
For example, the haunting - it is presented as penance, telling of their errors. Why then does the haunt fade after telling the story of their failure to a scant few tresspassers?

What else?
It is straightforward.
It steers players away from interaction/cooperation.
The trials could be far better.
The presentation could use spicing up.
Etc.

I am not bitching, I am intent on helping you improve. Go to Comment
The Barrows of the Forest Lords
Dungeons  (Forest/ Jungle)   (Puzzles)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-04-03 04:50 PM
Oh.
Sorry for trying to help.
I thought we put up things on Strolen's to get some critique.

You act like it's perfect.
Whatever. Go to Comment
The Barrows of the Forest Lords
Dungeons  (Forest/ Jungle)   (Puzzles)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-04-03 04:50 PM
The Barrows of the Forest Lords
Dungeons  (Forest/ Jungle)   (Puzzles)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-04-04 09:05 AM
If you look above, at first I offered just critique, without suggestions (not orders) - to which I received a less than friendly reply.

Hence, I elaborated, and pointed out possible improvements. Because, I'm such a nice guy.

Upon which I again receive a pissed-off paragraph.

Hence, a last suggestion: calm down, really. Or I will come to think the RG at the beginning of your nick means Rage-Guy. You know, this dude:
http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSZZPcU-ZbqDLNvkrun5rg57pczzUFrw4tVECwAkLI4UKWhgSQ4dw&t=1 Go to Comment
The Standard
Items  (Other)   (Heroic)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-31 05:03 AM


The plot hooks section is quite slim, especially with the mischief and outright disaster an anti-magic banner can wreak.



Also, I'd suggest adding some quirks and more personality a) to the known banners b) to the banners in general. So far, they're indestructible anti-magic banners. Woo.



It's okay, I guess.


Go to Comment
The Blood Beast
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Other)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-31 04:48 AM


I'd have welcomed alternative uses - so far, it's pretty straightforward.



> Blood beasts, in making all blood as one, could serve as universal transfusions!



> They could be distilled into healing agents!



> A colossal blood beast, stuck in a magical trap, could leak and feed a debased tribe with a fountain of unholy blood!


Go to Comment
Tome of the Ancient Kingdom
Items  (Books and Scrolls)   (Campaign Defining)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-26 08:42 AM


Echo likes.



Your description led me to the truth of Nortelbean swiftly and without force, even before you stated the truth. .



The sub leaves me hungry for more, though - after the aperitif, a chunk of meat should come.



Care to add?



Please do ;)


Go to Comment
The Lost Empire
Locations  (World)   (Any)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-24 04:09 AM


This one's good. Echo likes.



You might want to flesh out the plot hooks a little.


Go to Comment
The Mel Victus
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Forest/ Jungle)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-22 12:04 PM


I noticed several spelling and grammar errors, and the prose could use some smoothing out.



Other than that, the plant on its own is OK, the background how a healing herb brought down a city is quite original as well.



I'm withholding the vote for now.


Go to Comment
The Mel Victus
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Forest/ Jungle)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-22 01:55 PM
Still some left ^_^ - for example "sever" is a verb (cutting something from something else), but you're looking for "severe", the adjective pertaining to severity.

The area of your body where you wear your belt is the "waist", the "waste" is litter, refuse. I doubt they tied clay pots with the plants around their detritus or feces :)

etc. Go to Comment
The Tree of Bone
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Mountains)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-15 01:53 AM
Yeah, the "ewww" was sort of intended. A success, then! Go to Comment
The Tree of Bone
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Mountains)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-04-12 03:12 AM
I do not think the Emperor is evil, actually. He is alien - and knows little of human morals, perchance can't even understand them.
Whether his love for his wives/people was honest, I leave up to the reader, but in my opinion it was.

As for the "power level" it is an undead god. Undead Old One. Starspawn. Clad in corpses. He has collected them for at least a thousand years. It's going to be huge. It's not something to be brought down through swinging a sword at it, but through role-play and smarts.

His location was described to be in the middle of a barely inhabitable mountain chain, as unclaimed. Sure, it will be inside the territory of one of the mentioned realms, Aberlia or New Ebernesse - at least on maps. But a fantasy kingdom has usually better things to conquer that an inhospitable mountaintop where you need a dwarven apparatus to breathe.

As for the minions and powers, I'll add a paragraph. Go to Comment
The Tree of Bone
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Mountains)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-04-18 02:14 PM


The minions of the Tree



Who keeps the dead god-emperor company besides his deceased children? It is the men of Valersund, forever bent by his sorcery, their flesh sustained by his will and their minds sundered by his presence.



They are hulking creatures, with exaggerated muscles bordering on the grotesque, and elongated arms ending often in rending claws. Some possess more than two, with extra appendages of murderous intent growing from their hunched backs, now useless mouths or as tails.



Though hideously deformed, they still are less horrid than their larger brethren, who consist of several fused bodies, walking on six legs and wielding weapons in all directions, or the jumbled amalgams of man and beast.



Each will also have a female face growing somewhere, disturbingly beautiful amidst his misshapen features; it is the face of the female who once commanded him, and forever it whispers to him the will of the god-emperor. The link, though, can be severed with magic or a weapon capable of harming ghosts, leading to confusion on the beast's part.



They are clad in remnants of armor, often of excellent make, and wrapped in shreds of dead flesh, skin and bone of those who sought to desecrate the Emperor's resting place. All over their skin, a strange slimy membrane is spread, exuded by the dead deity, to allow them to exist in the cold and thin air of the mountain summit, keeping them forever just beyond the grasp of death.



For weapons, the Servant Sons use their monstrous bodies, or man-made weapons, some of them even objects of power.



Most are hopelessly insane, driven but by the dead god-thing's will, though a select few embraced their monarch's influence and gave themselves to it, keeping reasoning and cunning largely intact, and their madness subtle.


Go to Comment
Princess Emma Montor
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Political)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-13 02:38 PM


This one's good :)



It could use some fleshing out and a little facelift to remove a few errors and clear up the sentence structure. I'll vote then.


Go to Comment
Princess Emma Montor
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Political)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-22 12:05 PM


Voting.


Go to Comment
30 Items From Fallen Empires
Items  (Equipment Listing)   (Magical)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-03-01 07:59 AM


Stalinians... reaaaaally? Any less obvious allusions?



And Owlongwilyouphuck is plain vulgar.



The Luggage is copied - your version is less aggressive etc., but still.



A layer of chainmail will not make a breastplate.



 



You seem to have re-used items from previous submissions.



There's some grammar issues as well.



 



All in all: do not hurry the 30s. Give it more thought.


Go to Comment
A Cupid for Cornelius
Plots  (Hired)   (Side-Quest)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-02-27 03:44 AM


Could be a nice change of pace.



As it is written, a sensible party will have little difficulty achieving their goal; the challenge depends mainly upon the ease with which they can discover each dragon's fancy.



Suggestions:



Tjamaladara might detest falsehood, being straightforward; she could test the PCs' mettle as well, deciding upon their performance whether they're worth wasting time at all.



Shadrevaen could react favorably to behavior patterns seen in romanticized works, and less well to a pragmatic approach. A knight-in-shining armor or minnesanger might be the best negotiator, especially if putting on sufficient pathos. She could want the PCs to capture a famous bard for her (and locking him in a cage like a bird).



Zaulphiria, even though vain, might have the tooth of suspicion gnawing at her - what if she no longer looks her best? Carefully worded, an offer of lasting beauty-enhancing treatments would be worth a ton of bonus points. Badly phrased, it would get the PCs a massive minus.


Go to Comment
The Quest For Helen
Plots  (Hired)   (Single-Storyline)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-02-25 10:01 AM


I like how you connect subs from several authors.



As for the adventure, it is quite straightforward, but alright.



A note: it's means it is . Its indicates possession by it.

Go to Comment
The Quest For Helen
Plots  (Hired)   (Single-Storyline)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-02-25 10:02 AM


Also, the vote.


Go to Comment
Timmy the Tequila Worm Brand Tequila
Items  (Potion)   (Sentient)
EchoMirage's comment on 2011-02-23 03:43 AM


I like the image of an insidious tequila worm that is up to no good. I picture him with a tiny sombrero on his wormy head.



The sole objection: Donovan, being a competent wizard using suggestion magicks should have found it quite easy to go all Jedi on the investors. "You WANT to revise the contract. The original Timmy is FAR better. No one will LOVE you unless you abandon this folly."


Go to Comment
Total Comments:
1252

Join Now!!




Fatal error: Call to undefined function top_menu() in /home/strolen/public_html/lockmor/application/views/citadel/vfooter.php on line 2