Any bias of using my own setting aside, I absolutely loved this. The narrative had me riveted from the opening lines to the last, and even though the ending was alluded to in the intro, I was still surprised by it.
You give a better characterization for a brutal, animalistic humanoid than I could have hoped for, as well as built very nicely on the skeleton outline of Swynmoor errata I provided.
This is good starter advice. The content suggestions aren't bad, though as you say it's hard to set iron-clad rules for content. A first-time poster would do well to follow this advice.
I'm almost taking the "Self-named Characters" issue as a challenge, since Dozus was one of my first fantasy RP character, but on further review I remember he's a Drizzt clone and better left unspoken of. Go to Comment
Sentient shovel sub is a go! I always like animated objects that do their own thing, and this one has a nice background.
It would be interesting if instead of or in addition to burying folk, they dug them up. You go into a cemetery one morning to find all the coffins uncovered, with no trace of the perpetrators. Go to Comment
It does have a nice flow to it, and it's interesting to hear the historical perspective, as it were.
I'm with Silver on the ending. I'm sure it's purposefully ambiguous and the reader is supposed to read between the lines, but it is a bit abrupt. A little more to it would help wrap things up. Go to Comment
I was wondering how you could do seven of these. I figured either you'd have too much detail, something that would need to be in a 30, or too little diversity. But you hit just the right mark. It's a good variety, broad enough to drop into any aristocracy but varied enough to provide very different flavors for the various monarchies a setting might have.
The only typo I see is in #5, which I believe is spelled "Debauched."
This is a great 7: it sates the palette, neither overstuffed nor unsatisfied, but the perfect amount. Well done. Go to Comment
I was researching Nahuatl and read a terribly interesting article on disfrasismo (http://celia.cnrs.fr/FichExt/Am/A_22_03.htm). I figured since I was borrowing heavily from Mesoamerican culture for the Kanaarites, I'd try my hand at imitating it. I'm not thrilled with it, but I kind of like the style. Go to Comment
I like your treatment/adaptation of this. I for one would want to see more, perhaps of other mythoi. Might I suggest Tekken? They've got some inexplicable characters and techniques I'd like to see Cosmicized.
You said Scorpion was the result of "infernal sorcery." Do you mean *magic* magic, or something else? I don't recall magic being a feature of the Cosmic Era setting, though you'll forgive me if I missed it mentioned in your wide corpus of work. Go to Comment
All commentors and submitters should read this monthly to remind themselves what good criticism is, and what to do with criticism. Those periodic times when people forget one or the other tend to cause offense to be taken unnecessarily, and nobody likes that. Go to Comment
I was kind of expecting just a Cosmic Era take on C&C, but I really like the direction this one headed. It makes sense for a religious-to-zealous region like the Arabian Peninsula venerate super tech like arcanotechnology.
Interesting that you make it a secret society rather than a militant empire. Are there analogues to al-Qaida and the like, or am I reading too much into it? Go to Comment
Oh man, I love little things like this. The background story is great, and the subtle effects of the compass are the perfect thing to throw into a campaign. I can see a player coming to rely on the compass to see what's considered "moral" for a campaign, only to discover her alignment and actions slowly turning darker over time.
The grammar and spelling are a little loose here and there, but I gather English isn't your first tongue and let it slide. It's a great piece, especially given that it's your first. Great work, and I can't wait to see more from you. Go to Comment
The image is quite funny, infants appearing out of nowhere. But the details you explore about what might happen in such a society, as well as the how/whys, make it something more interesting. Well done. Go to Comment
How interesting! A sad tale, but it would make for an interesting encounter.
I think I'm still a bit lost on the details re: the Litwells current where/whenabouts. Are they just stuck in the past someplace? Do they have to wait 500 years to return? Are they still hanging out with Lucas? Go to Comment