Rose - There are some whose hearts fight only out of love. Souls in true love who hold the quiver will turn the gem pink. These arrows are made from red maple and fletched with swan feathers which, when fired, will turn sharply toward the direction the archer's true love lies. Aquamarine - Some find that they have no home on dry land, but only in the great deep. Those old salts whose souls are only home at sea will turn the gem aquamarine. Arrows drawn from the quiver are carved from driftwood, fletched with large scales and tipped with shark's teeth. These arrows fire as easily beneath the waves as above; on land, one of these arrows that strikes the ground will produce a quart of sea water from the earth. Silver - Despite the turnings of the secular world, some a truly devoted to their deity above all else. Such devoted religious souls will turn the quiver's stone silver, and their arrows made of white oak are barbed with quicksilvered points. These arrows deal divine damage on striking. Go to Comment
Red - In a few hearts, there lurks nothing but the desire for vengeance. If a vengeful soul takes the quiver, the gem turns blood red. Arrows from the quiver will be made of red oak, their heads obsidian. The arrows will only strike those guilty of grievous sin, falling short of the innocent to leave them unharmed. Go to Comment
Heh, great! In spite of the silliness, I see this as a tool sought after by negotiators and royal messengers worldwide. Even if it isn't terribly intelligent, they could use it as a teacher to silver their own tongues. Go to Comment
An enchanted, foreign-looking cap of very fine quality, those who look upon it are entraced by its beauty. It is nearly identical to the famous Cap of Confusion, a powerful wizard's garment that allows the wearer to bewilder and frustrate her enemies. The Cap of Confounding, however, does not work in this way.
While wearing the Cap of Confounding, one will feel quite confident in their own abilites; however, most of their abilites are unchanged. There is one notable attribute that is altered: the wearer is rendered incapable of executing mathematics. They are completely unaware of this, of course, but others are bound to notice. The arithmetical trouble affects everything to do with numbers, from simple counting to quadratic equations. The Cap of Confounding and its errors were made famous when King Utar - well known for his fine taste in haberdashery - lead his troops in the Crusade of Thalbus. In giving orders for the artillery to fire, Utar was quoted as saying "Fire at my count! Ready? One, two, five!" Go to Comment
Hm. I feel like I've been told "This there's cool knife. You don't know how to use it, but if you did, it'd be awesome." Beyond that, I feel like I'm not given much beyond a name and some vague mention of wizards and elves.
What makes the knife so awkward? It sounds like just a basic fighting dirk. You've given some skeletal background info, but I'm craving more.
Don't get me wrong, Railus, you really are improving. You just need to work on fleshing out some of the more emaciated subs. Keep it up! Go to Comment
I ran into the same problem, trying to incorporate a whole setting into a few subs. A couple of suggestions there:
1. If all your subs come from the same game world/setting, link them together. Either freetext them or link to them in the sub. Either way, if you really want us to know all your subs are coming from 1 setting, tell us.
2. It can be hard selling a sub by itself if it's part of a setting. If possible, separate the sub from the setting. I originally intended my Tagma Drakontas to be part of a big, overarching setting. But, realizing I couldn't do that, I snipped the connections to the rest of my game world and made references that were vague, but didn't leave a lot wanting. In general, subs that stand on their own do better than those that are setting-specific. It just tends to make it easier for us to read.
3. If you do want to do a whole series on your game world, plan it out and give it to us in easy-to-swallow segments. Starting with the details of a particular weapon of a particular race might not be the best option. Maybe you want to tell us the major kingdoms and places in your setting first, then work your way down. This option requires *a lot* of planning, however, and you might want to start just by having free-standing subs. Go to Comment
It's a bit munchkiny to me, but the backstory is somewhat interesting. I'd like to know more about Cedit. Why'd he decide to make such a powerful whip? What's his motive? Not bad, though, overall. Go to Comment
First, I love the atmosphere of the temple. I get a very Half-Lifey kind of feel from it for some reason, and you've got some good descriptions in there.
While I understand you wanted to keep it somewhat vague for customization, the vagueness makes the whole sub feel sort of blank, like you started to create a beautiful painting but only sketched an outline. What really gives some of the great subs in Strolen's their "oompf" is the detail: whos, whys, wherefors, hows. So it's seems to be a temple that acted a place of worship and had some necromancy underground. Who was their god? Why the reanimation rooms? Why the traps for the penitents? We love hearing stories here, tell us yours.
Also, there's some detail that's lacking. For example, the artifact chamber:
"Here, anything of value was stored by the temple. Inside there is not much left, except a strange idol. The idol radiates evil.
Guarding this chamber is a Wight, tasked with destroying all who enter who do not speak a command word."
So the party goes into this chamber. What's it look like? How big is it? Then there's nothing left but an idol. What sort of idol? Is it gemmed, gilded, stone, wooden? How can I tell it's emanating evil? Then a wight shows up, apparently. What's the spoken word that it's listening for? What significance does the word have? These are details that really make or break a sub.
Overall, I really like the idea of the abandoned temple. But giving a skeleton of a temple dungeon just isn't quite what we're (or at least I'm) looking for. Detail-rich subs are best, IMHO.
I'll hold off voting for now in case you want to tweak it. I think it's really the start of a great sub. Go to Comment
I like it. A very "intellectual" dungeon. Like AG, I do feel like there is something missing - another twist, perhaps? But it does have a very charming atmosphere that makes me want to play it. Go to Comment