Hark ye sinners and beware! Beware for the dragon shall come to visit judgement upon you all! Know him by the companions he keeps, for He who walks with the falcon, the serpent and the lion loves each and commands them all. Beware, beware, for the time of judgment is nigh!
When the Maiden comes to Ellishae, hands bound with a length of red cord, be mirthful and rejoice! For with Her sacrifice, the Plague of a Thousand Years shall be ended. Let the fires consume Her flesh and kindle new hope within the hearts of men, for the gods shall love this gift, and love the people who offer it in turn.
My hat's off to you, sir, for this clever twist on two separate posts. Sound has always been a fascinating medium to me, and discord can be just as potent as harmony. As an exercise, how would you feel about a joint effort to expand both subs? I will consider your reef and add at least one idea, in the hopes that you will do the same for my woods.
Agitato Dragons -
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Agitato dragons bear a strong resemblance to sea horses, and are considered bad luck by the locals. Like magpies of the sea, these palm-sized water-dragons spend their time scouring Thunder Reef for unguarded thunder jewels to add to their watery hoards. Often seen carrying (or dragging) a jewel in its long, prehensile tail, these critters cause no end of trouble for divers and sailors alike. For one, the silly creatures startle easily -- any unexpected noise (of which there are many), forbidding entity (ship, diver, predator), or large shadow (even their own!) will cause them to drop the jewel to the sea floor with a resounding boom. As if this weren't bad enough, the tiny pests can build up a dangerous cache of thunder jewels that can stun wildlife within a mile-wide radius, and even sink small vessels if allowed to go off. For this reason, sea merchants who must pass through Thunder Reef regularly will hire brave (or deaf) souls to seek out these hidden caches and disarm them.
Those are some of the most interesting spiders that I've ever come across -- cold loving, communal and (to some extent) nurturing are not qualities normally associated with arachnids. I will second Echo, though, and say that the intro is a tad long. Good for flavor, but it doesn't disseminate the pertinent bits quickly enough for my tastes. Don't get me wrong; it is definitely well-written, but could be condensed, perhaps.
You know a submission is good when:
a) It brings an evil smile to your face
b) You can think of at least 10 ways to use it off the top of your head
c) It leaves you wanting more
This is a fantastic sub on all three counts, and is very well-written to boot. The only thing I would nitpick on is what Pieh already mentioned -- the floating body parts are not compelling enough to me. I would probably not give them any "natural" form. If forced to lower their assumed disguise, their appearance would shift rapidly between all of the "victims" whose thoughts they have consumed, with flashes of the Empress and Kharn- Salog reappearing most frequently throughout. 5/5
A very solid adventure, especially with the added detail in the comments. One question: shouldn't the optional room 7 be between rooms 3 and 5, rather than between rooms 2 and 5? I, too, liked the "oh crap" moment with the burning chest -- that and the chance for the players to see a dragon in an early adventure and still come out of it alive propels this from a solid 3 post to a 4 for me. Great job!
There is so much unrealized potential in this submission! The basic concept is solid, but the history is convoluted and requires some editing for clarity. This sentence, for example: "The animal died, along with Trueno, a hunter was watching the incident, not believing what he saw, he knew Trueno, but didn't care for morals." Too much happens here for it to be coherent -- it should probably be split into at least two sentences (one about Trueno and the animal, one to introduce the hunter). Before submitting, try reading your sub aloud and you will catch things like this.
A few things that didn't make sense:
There are some bright spots. Small, magical animals that terrorize a farm? I'd love to hear those described. Bet they have some really nifty sonic attacks if they were the original creators for thunderstones. The maniacally laughing animal is a good mental image -- I'm seeing a fox here, but I'm guessing you have something else in mind.
This sub has some real promise but desperately needs some more editing and fleshing out. Good job though; I can see that your subs are improving overall.
Like it a lot, but I can't help but noting that this universe would be suitable only for carnivores. Humans and other omnivores generally require some additional vitamins from plants to keep functioning. Or are some of the falling corpses plant-like?
@Redgre & Pieh:
I admit that I probably got a bit carried away when detailing this place. I understand what you mean about it being somewhat purposeless, but am at a loss for how to fix it at this time -- my creative muse is fickle. If either of you could make some suggestions to help me significantly improve this piece, I would be happy to credit you.
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In reality, this piece was intended as background for a race of people that I haven't finished yet and was planning to submit later. Perhaps I will add them here after all . . . As for novel writing; I'd like to one day, so thanks for the encouragement. =)
Some (unscrupulous) governments practice selective use of memory moths on state enemies (usually before banishment). Memory eradication may even extend to some individuals they wish to protect, such as retired spies and other intelligence officers. Usage of the larvae in this way is generally easier, as the retired officer often understands the necessity and will willingly self-direct their thoughts to all aspects of their service. They will often remember most of the mundane details of these years, including their cover job, but not the intrigue.