There's a large draw to this submission. A vastid-contaminated water source would be a perfect test for those of druidic or clerical sensibilities, and could be a coveted research location for a wizard or scholar. My only suggestions are to clean up the formatting (as PoisonAlchemist suggested) and to add some plot hooks at the end to help a GM immediately throw this into his/her game as a side quest. That's would just be icing though -- well done!
This is an exquisite item, and a very original weapon. However, I feel that the item itself could use a little more description, and the backstory as written is really confusing. Who is Gen? Who is the lady that Devorak falls in love with during exile? And what did Hestor mean to him anyway? The dialog is good, but there is just not enough context given to allow comprehension of the major events. I love this item, but will withold my vote for awhile to give you the chance to clear up or remove the backstory.
A good central concept for a believable sailors' purgatory. I agree that it could be rewritten slightly for greater clarity, but it didn't bother me that much. I wonder how intelligent the crabs are -- they almost seem like a sort of celestial being in disguise. Overall, well done :) Definitely consider submitting this to AG's A New Take on Hell.
Bloody brilliant. I have to wonder though at the culture that routinely enchants common currency. The image of vast clouds of glittering coins zooming from one end of the kingdom to another is mind-bendingly cool, but that is a LOT of wizards to employ at the royal mint. Still, what better way to emphasize the wealth and grandeur of a city than to show it all, swirling just out of reach?
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But here's a puzzler: if the coins avoid obstacles, why would flying be dangerous? Shouldn't they just part around the flying object and go on their merry way?
You have a good point there, one that I missed because I haven't used an intelligent item in game yet. I must say, the idea of a sword turning on the wielder because of a disagreement in ethics just makes me smile. I'd be sorely tempted to give this sword a bit of a . . . caustic personality as well, one that makes the player almost relieved when they part company after the big bad is dealt with.
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Does anyone else think that an Intelligent Items quest would be a good idea? I'm perversely interested to see what deviousness the rest of the Citadel would come up with.
Welcome, OmegaDraco, and congratulations on your first submission. I personally found the item stats to be a useful addition, but agree that the comments section is the best place for them on this site. It's a very flavorful item, and I definitely give you full marks for the backstory and the descriptive writing.
However, I'm always a little leery of uber powerful items like this one. If I were going to use this in my campaign, I would either take out its ability to transform the user into a crystal dragon (except under very special circumstances), or find a way for the Arbiter to leave the player's possession after awhile.
Summary: this is a good, solid submission (3.0) + 0.5 for the added stats.
You know, I really like the concept here. It isn't wildly different from your standard demonic pact, but I don't really mind. I like how you took a relatively simple idea (sorcerous magic comes from a possessing spirit) and really fleshed it out to fit within your world. Well done, and thanks for the enjoyable read.
I quite like it, because I can imagine several characters that would use one of these as their weapon of choice. My favorite is a paladin, of course, because feeling the pain of those one fights would help moderate the paladin's blood lust, as well as create compassion for the enemy even in the heat of battle.
The noise in this place must be incredible. I can imagine that the longing for silence, for stillness, would eventually come to equal the longing for dry land. Still, it is incomplete as Echo first pointed out. A little more development would help.
I really love the description of this place, and I can imagine it in vivid clarity and detail. The writing is really well done. However, I agree with Echo: it simply lacks something to make it come alive for me. It's the central concept, really, that bothers. Why should anticipation be needed to enjoy a job well done? You have a vision for the project, work towards its completion, and can admire the result when you're done -- no surpise necessary.
Perhaps what you were looking for is not a lack of surprise, but a feeling of waste. The feeling that one's talents, skills and abilities lie unused and unrecognized. Having to watch others bumble along at a task that you are much better suited for. That or just simply being prevented from doing what comes naturally, or from using the skills that you have the most pride in.
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Either way, this is a solid piece. I just see so much potential for it to evolve into something truly horrifying.
I'd love to hear a little more about the philosophy behind this place. Is it one of many hells, each dealing with a different phobia? Or is it unique, created for some special purpose or by some twisted god? (I would love to see the Hell created by and for your Occular deities, by the way). Why the box concept? Is there some special cultural significance or horror to the idea of being trapped this way?