A wonderful set of items. I can see using the stories as flavor text to make a town seem more "real", even if the relic itself never makes an appearance in play. This sub also demonstrates the ingredients for crafting a sainthood story -- a colorful personality, unusual circumstances, and prayers offered after death. I'm more likely to try making one of my own up, now that I've read so many excellent examples. Go to Comment
This is indeed fun. I agree that the execution needs to be tightened up, and Omega's suggestions are very sound. The only thing I have to add is a little nitpick: if someone was just stung by one of those things, I doubt they'd have time for the introspective contemplation of the guy in your summary. My guess are that his thoughts would be a lot more fragmented and horrified. :P Go to Comment
Took a few days to come back to this, 'cause you gave me a lot to think about Mystic. Right now, I must confess that I've never taken a writing class and so Aristotle's Incline was news to me. But while the Incline introduces the three act structure and the order of events, the Hollywood Formula differs in that it focuses on the required characters and their interactions throughout the storyline.
Now, looking to serialized television to show us how to treat a group of protagonists is really sound advice. That article you linked was great, and I would definitely recommend that others go check it out. I suppose that you could adopt that stance towards your party, while keeping the overall campaign focussed around the 3 Act/3 character structure. Each gaming session would then feel like a TV episode, but the campaign as a whole would feel like an epic movie. At least, that's what I got out of it. Thanks for the thought-provoking comment! Go to Comment
The Good: great detail on this sub! It is obvious that you put a lot of thought into this plant, and the plot hooks are great.
The Bad: too much detail! I don't often recommend trimming a piece down, but you've given me far more than I ever needed to know about this plant. Remember your target audience. A harried game master, looking to add some quick detail to his/her world, is not going to want to wade through all the details that a biologist might. A game master is going to want to know the basics: what is this thing and what does it look/feel/taste/etc like? Where do I find it? How can I use it? For these questions, the most useful sections are "Signs" and "Plot Ideas" -- which are short, straight and to the point.
The Ugly: I'm glad that you broke the sub down into lots of paragraphs. Why is there a leading "-" in front of all of them, though? Usually, those denote lists of information, and are appropriate in the Plot Ideas and Signs section.
Suggestions: Trim it down a little, or rewrite your "In General" section to give all the basics up front. Basically, put the information we need all in one place.
Overall though, well done, and welcome to the Citadel! Go to Comment
Alright, on the second pass you've condensed a mass of information into a submission that is a lot more readable, and therefore more usable. Well done! I will second what Strolen said, however -- now that you've got the info-dump tamed, it's time to pretty her up. The last time I wrote a sub with this many details (details I just HAD to leave in, because they were important parts of how the organism worked), I needed to find a way to present those pieces without my audience getting bored. In writing, this advice is often given as "show, don't tell." Try to show me some of this information through the eyes of someone experiencing it, instead of just telling me about it.
Here's the sub that I struggled with: Memory Moths. It has huge amounts of detail, and I had to work really hard to keep it engaging. Go to Comment
I like this quite a lot. To me, it kinda feels like what living in a Minecraft world would be like, with the render distance set to "short". A campaign based around stitching the sundered worlds back together would be really interesting. I can imagine the moral dilemma would be similar to Star Trek's Prime Directive, since these people would probably not be ready to face hundreds of other peoples with divergent cultures and climes.
If this world was rejoined with the others, would the ghouls disappear? Go to Comment
I like him. But I must wonder -- why isn't he dead yet? Isn't that the first rule of any seriously evil villain, "kill everyone who knows the secrets of my secret base"? I would either give him some serious defenses, or make it into a plotline. Hammer hires the party to kill a super villain who wants him dead, in exchange for helping them build their own base of operations. Go to Comment
Maybe I'm not jaded yet, but I rather like this. It's a last ditch effort, sure, but it's still a new tool for my toolbox. If my party ever does get into a certain death situation, I now have at least one thing I can try to save them (and my glorious campaign along with them!). I say well done! Go to Comment
I don't normally rate a short sub so highly, but I love the background and logic behind this piece. The system of barter between the gods of mercy and death hints at an entire culture just waiting to be explored. The only modification I would make if I were to use this, is just return the person to life, rather than send them back in time (but that's really a matter of personal taste; this would work just fine as is for someone who like time travel threads). Go to Comment
. . . huh. I have no words for this, other than to ask what you were smoking when you came up with half of this. Well-written, impressively odd and imaginative. Not really to my tastes but I can't fault it for that -- it's still a great setting. Well done!
P.S. love the additions by Forganthus as well. The flamingos were one of my favorite creatures, right next to the tourists. Go to Comment
This is a solidly written, possibly useful article. With a bit of work, it could lend just the right touch of chaos or disorientation to a dungeon -- be it an insane asylum, a cursed manor or even a mad carnival. It would be interesting to see how this pairs with a house of mirrors, for example. Will have to think on it some more. Go to Comment
A good start, though it could use some revision. Forganthus gives a good list of questions to consider when reworking this item to make it more internally consistent and interesting to GMs. Try reading your submission out loud to catch the fragmented sentences. I would also consider giving the person in the summary a name, so that we know he is a non-goblin, creeping up on Guznal -- that part was pretty confusing when I first read it.
What I enjoyed most was the Nil's simple utility. There should be many more simple magic items like this. More tools for easing life. I also like how the dagger and staff are detachable. Well done.
P.S. It took courage to admit your mistakes publicly and still come back to post. I'm glad that you did. Go to Comment