"Of course when Miranor heard this you can imagine that he wasn't overly pleased, and decided to round up a group of his followers and insurgents, and together they would overthrow the current administration, and place one leader at the head of the country."
No, I can't imagine that, and the reason is, I have no idea what this person is *like*. You describe his jittery, paranoid, dark personality later on, but I still have no idea why he would oppose making peace, what it is he believes in and why he is doing the things he does. This write-up gives us no idea of why Miranor believes so strongly that the other nations must be conquered that he would kill his own father. In addition, I have no idea what he looks like, his mannerisms, his likes and dislikes. It's like a very thin sketch with no details.
However! Be not discouraged. It is a good idea and very workable as a villain. It's getting there. Go to Comment
I think it's a pretty regular "gigantic city"... Every setting's gotta' have one, I suppose. We really don't have any sense of waht the city itself is like, other than that it's huge and squalid. We don't know what it's people are like or how they dress, how they talk, what the buildings look like, what gods they worship... We have no landmarks or interesting things that could be located in the city. It feels incomplete. Go to Comment
Well, it's definitely getting somewhere. But I would try to weed out some of the awkward details. For instance, why is there a forest guardian? Did this Ga person just decide that he would patrol a forest being a swordmaster? Or is it a religious thing? Also, the whole thing about his father's katana... NO KATANAS. I mean, unless you are making a Japanese-themed setting or something, a katana JUST DOES NOT FIT. It screams "videogame". I would try to give it a little more *snap*, because it feels like its lacking something. Also, I want to get a better picture of Hiraken as a person- his likes and dislikes, his emotions, his personality. As is, he's just a boring badass that guards a forest and has no feelings. But overall it's a rather decent effort. Go to Comment
The monks of the Vrajju Plateau maintain a morbid but fascinating custom in regards to their dead. The bodies of Vrajjur monks are first subjected to a variety of ritual tests, such as slashing and beating of the corpse, to make sure that the person's spirit is truly departed and will not return to vengefully reanimate. Then, the monks will utilize the corpse. Many corpses have their leg or arm bones carved into flutes and their skulls made into drinking goblets. Ribcages are woven with strips of goat leather into baskets and bowls. Spines are used as braziers and to hold up awnings on the balconies of the Vrajjur monasteries.
These practices are in no way meant to disrespect the dead, though many horrified visitors have thought it so. Rather, they are meant to surround the Vrajjur monk with constant reminders of death and the fleeting, temporary nature of the state of life. These grisly tokens are meant to engender contemplation and nonattachment in the Vrajjur monk, and acceptance that he will, eventually, also die, and have his legs made into flutes and his skull into a drinking vessel and his teeth into a ritual rattle. Go to Comment
Or you could go the opposite route, and instead of piling on incongruous details to dilute the formula, you could invest in some serious description to evoke the true horror of a gigantic arachnid- the thin spiny black hairs that coat its spindly legs, the foul ichor dripping from its multiple alien fangs. Make the spiders a truly threatening monster, and make them hard to kill, rather than giving in to the videogame instinct of making them Red Shirts to throw at the heroes to keep the action going. Go to Comment
Charvaung is the last of the dynasty of dragons which terrorized the vales of Va Ohha, a family of serpents known as the Achauryang dragons after their legendary progenitor, Achauryang, the Shadow of the Horns (who was himself descended from that vile patriarch, Chorash, the Defiler). This dynasty of dragons ruled the vales for thousands of years, keeping the local mortals in terrorized check. However, the Ohha barbarians invaded the vales and overthrew the local kingdoms, establishing their own petty chiefdoms. Refusing to pay tribute, the Ohha gathered in a great mass and, at great loss of their own life, slew Charvaung's sire, Xetung the Swallower-Whole, by pinning him down and denying him sustenance until he starved (for the dragons of Achauryang's brood cannot be slain by mortal weapons). The mortals then smashed the great dragon's brood of eggs, hoping to erase the stain of dragonkind from the vales of Va Ohha. However, one egg remained, and a horror hatched from it and grew in the darkness of the peaks, feasting on the corpse of its father and the mangled remains of its embryonic siblings. In this way, five-hundred years later, the last of the Achauryang dragons swept down into the veils to avenge its unholy wrath upon the pitiful goat-herding mortals.
Ohha tribesmen and villagers flee before the flames which are spewed by Charvaung, Darkener Of Skies. Corpulent and deformed, he resembles a bloated worm plated in blackened armor which soars overhead on cloud-tearing wings. He has six legs, each with deformed swollen joints from centuries of crawling in darkness through caverns, ending in jagged, broken talons. He maintains the pure bloodline of the Achauryang dragons, being a direct descendant of the Shadow of the Horns, and thus bears that ancient wurm's terrifying visage, a demonic mixture of wolf, serpent, and bird, with great crescent horns. He spews forth billowing waves of blue flame and flows of thick blazing tar that entombs his victims alive (if they are spared burning to death).
He takes tribute from 21 of the 58 clans of the Ohha, and from the people of the Ghobar towns on the south side of the vales. He has taken up the old forgotten lair of his dynasty, the Gullet Of Terror, somewhere in the treacherous ridges of the vales' greatest peaks.
Like all the dragons of his dynasty, Charvaung cannot be slain by any mortal weapon. He must be starved, like his father was, by pinning him down, no easy feat. The Ohha tell the legend of how their heroes battled Charvaung's father Xetung with an entire army, and that it took the spears of every man of forty clans to knock the Swallower-Whole from the skies, and great tree-trunks to pin him to the ground. Go to Comment